Light bulb moment - what next?!

[nojgin]

Hi
Recently my memories of childhood started returning. I really could only remember only sketchy moments and have never understood why. My memory isn't the best and so I just put it down to having a particularly bad one.
This I'm realising may not be the case, as my mind was doing all it could to stop me remembering trauma. Neglect from very early ages, narcissistic parents who I think made me feel not very good about myself and sexual abuse at school that I never told anyone about. (Boarding school)
I now have gone through feelings of elation, relief, sadness, anger ( my current state). I know I need to find a way to be myself now and to enjoy my life. Have read a lot over the past few months on cptsd. The most debilitating symptom for me, which I have had for as long as I can remember is waking up in the morning with racing heart, trembling sensation and feeling of dread. Any slight stresses of the day can quickly become huge problems for me. It takes so much energy to try and rationalise.
I have a loving wife, two beautiful children, and quite a senior job that I enjoy.
I should be totally happy and on occasions I am. It's just the symptoms are very hard to ignore! I have had a series of therapy sessions after my memories returned, as I was a complete mess. I have told my wife everything. I don't want to burden her, as she also has suffered with her own anxiety issues. Some of which were caused by my parents who targeted her and "gaslighted" her as I now understand. Can anyone give me a heads up on what to expect next from cptsd or actions that would helpful? My parents are still very much at large and my wife and I struggle dealing with their behaviour.  Thank you

[Eyessoblue]

Hi there, I could relate to a lot of what you said especially waking up with the racing heart I do that every day, it sounds like you are having flashbacks which are extremely hard to live with and the slightest thing can trigger you into another one as I found out last year when my ptsd was officially diagnosed, I now go through a process of EMDR sessions which has been working really well but have been disassociating  a lot so that has been  on hold for now and I'm having intensive Psychotherapy which at the moment is working well, I hate the trembling too my hands shake uncontrollably and my insides feel like they are shaking permanently, the EMDR has definitely helped bring my anxiety down but it on it's own is difficult to deal with so extra counselling/psychotherapy is a must for me not necessarily for everyone though. Make sure you get a therapist who you can relate well to and who understands you as a individual, this I have found is crucial to my recovery and 3rd time luckily  I have finally found someone I can relate to and who 'gets me'. Best of luck.

[Noel]

I can relate to what you have written.  I recently turned 70, and of all things found myself again, waking up with the pounding heart and a black feeling of dread after years of freedom from it.    In my refusal to live like this any longer, I discovered this group, Pete Walker's 13 Steps to take when having a flashback, and Arielle Schwartz's "The Complex PTSD Workbook, in which she delineates CPTSD symptoms of Avoidance, Intrusion (flashbacks)  and Depression.  In each section she offers exercises one can do to contain and manage the flashback (panic attack).  I can see how in time, these exercises can be used for prevention also.   You can download both these books on kindle for about $9.00, and then do a search for what's hurting you.  For example you could do a search for panic attack, or, panic attack exercises, and the book will pull up all exercises for panic attacks. 

I am not in a position to recommend, but these 3 things are helping me healthfully cope with this latest spate of symptoms.   I wish you well.
     

[nojgin]

Hi
I appreciate your responses.
I will take a look at the resources you suggest.
I'm really finding the whole thing very strange indeed. It's as if my whole life has been lived through a type of denial. Masking the reality, since my mind literally blocked it out. I'm really wondering what else my mind is going to throw up! I have questioned whether it's all true!? Does anyone know if the mind can be prone to filling in blanks with fantasy as well.?
Appreciate any thoughts
Thanks

[sanmagic7]

hi, nojgin, and welcome.  very glad you're here.

it's very common for those of us struggling with c-ptsd to live in denial about the truth, until the truth will not be denied one minute longer.  it's also often the case that we attempt to minimize what happened.  it's a defense mechanism.  sadly, i doubt that your mind is making it up.

if you take a look around the forum, you'll probably find quite a few examples of people questioning all of it the same as you.  you're not alone with this - we're here with you, working to get it as resolved as possible, healing through community and support.   

i hope your therapy is helping - if so, i think it would be a good idea to continue with it.    as to your parents, they may be triggering some of the symptoms for both you and your wife.  that relationship may need to be looked into more closely when you're ready.    in the meantime, wishing you the best.   i give you a lot of credit for your courage to look for answers, and your determination to heal.     

[Noel]

The whole thing IS strange, so your perception is correct.   It WAS strange the way we had to grow up.  It WAS strange, all those bizarre behaviors from our "caregivers" instead of loving behaviors.   It IS strange that those flashback feelings insinuate themselves into our minds and our lives as if they are happening now.  And, facing up to them like what you are doing, is exactly what we all need to do.  I don't believe in the "fantasy" of abuse.  I trust my mind, and if I flash onto a flashback feelings as if it is current, with my heart pounding, and my mouth dry, and my brain spinning,  wondering to whether  flee, fight, or "fawn" as Pete Walker puts it, I know that it happened.  I try to trust myself.  In my personal opinion, it is strange, and you memories are real, but, I am no professional.

Just sayin'.  Keep trying.  You go.