So alone

[lookingforlight]

I was bullied. Severely. I spent years as a child ostracized from my peers. I was shamed, ridiculed, and not just picked on by perpetrators, but treated like garbage by just about every one of my peers. Somehow I wore the scarlet letter. I did nothing wrong; I was just quiet and shy, and younger than the rest. I still don't understand why I was targeted so heavily. I just know that it ruined my self-esteem. My grades plummeted. My mood changed. I lost all my friends. My parents didn't much notice; too preoccupied with religious delusions and their own emotions and narcissism. I feared going to school everyday, i feared going to sleep. I only found joy from 5pm when I knew I was home safe to 8pm, before going to bed which reminded me of the * to come. To this day, I am only at peace during those three hours.

I am seeing an analyst now to work through this, as I have simply dissociated and worn personas to make it this far in life (30 yo). But I am so alone. Unbearably alone. I do not mean lonely. I have a partner, friends, and family, who are available. But Being around other people makes me more alone often. Part of what i'm doing is learning to trust human beings again... but i hate everyone, at my core. I am friendly, and am trying. But really, I think deep down, I hate everyone. I know that people, most people will just watch bad things happen, and add in if it is socially beneficial. Ive seen it, over and over, and over, for years from countless individuals. and even though I know rationally this isn't the whole picture, this is what my emotions believe. as a result, I am so alone, because I am so guarded. I can't stand the abandonment, of having had no help for all those years. When my current partner needs any space, it is so painful for me, to the point that I damage the relationship. I can barely function. I feel so alone. Please please please tell me that there's a way to not feel so alone. I just need some hope. Thank you.

[Three Roses]

 

I know what you mean about how you view humans. But there really are good ones out there; I've witnessed it. I believe most people are trapped in their own damage and pain and don't mean to be hurtful.

There is hope, there truly is a way out of this. I hope you keep posting, I'd like to hear more from you. Thanks for joining! 

[Candid]

lookingforlight, it's a huge step to have identified that you have CPTSD.  Not only that, you've found our forum.  And we're so glad you found us, bedraggled and bewildered as you may be right now.  This (OOTS) is where it starts.  And this  is for Our Kizzie, who runs the whole show with so much generosity and wisdom.

You're going to be okay, you really are.  Lookingforlight?  You've found it!

[Alarrah]

I so feel that. Seeing cruelty makes it so hard to trust. I'm right there with you, and I'm glad you are here.

[Andyman73]

Lookingforlight,
I understand to some degree, while I don't hate, I deeply distrust. Wasn't bullied as much as you were. But..... 😔 I know garbage... during the first 6-7 months of ten grade, 2 other boys physically picked me up and threw me in a large trash can. Every school day.

But my reasons for not being able to trust go far beyond that. Having been abused by men and women and boy and girls.  Oh, and CPA from mommy for 6 years too.

I, too, feel most alone when others are around.

You aren't alone in this, anymore.

[sanmagic7]

lookingforlight, so glad you're here, that you kept looking till you found us.  this forum has been a light for me, has helped me more than i can say.  these are the people i have come to trust and love.

it takes time, it doesn't happen overnight.  i do hope you keep posting and allow some kind and caring individuals into your life, slowly, at your own pace.  no pressure here.  here's a hug filled with soothing comfort.