Hello! Suicide Survivor

[Moon22]

Good morning,

I'm new to this site and just reaching out or trying to share my story in hopes to get some advise or hear other stories of developing CPTSD from surviving a loved ones suicide.  Sadly, I know I'm not alone but it is very hard opening up to friends and sometimes family that has experienced the same loss as myself but in different relationship forms. I'm always worried that I will put my thoughts, views, emotional rollercoaster on those in my circle that might be doing just fine when I'm struggling.  I'm a widow, a mother of two adults now, and re- married to a wonderful man.  I have a great healthy living life, but I struggle with the trauma of what me and my kids endured during my late husband's end of life and his final decision to remove himself from our life.  My story is painful as everyone else on this board.  I have been told my my family counselor and my husband sees the signs of CPTSD.  My trauma was over an 11 month period day in day out, hour by hour at times not knowing what to expect next or how to protect my kids or myself or what ended up being reality!  My late husband has been gone for 7 years now.  My episodes ( I call them ) started about a year after his suicide.  Since then I have series help, read do many books, exercise, live a healthy life style. I have a great career and I am very functioning.  BUT, no one really knows the pain I feel and when the triggers hit, they hit hard.  I don't want to make my now marriage all about my first marriage and so I hide my hurt alot do I don't hurt my now husband.  Sometimes I want to run so far out of my own skin.  It takes me days to re-bound and feel good about myself and the only one that knows I go through this is my husband and he cannot help me.  He wants to and can't and I don't want to tear our marriage up ! But, I have to heal and get through this. I feel like it is getting worse.

Enough for now! It's a good start and hoping to chat with anyone that has a similar experience or experience feelings like I do.  There is so much that comes from those feelings.

Have a nice day today !

[AphoticAtramentous]

Welcome to the forum, Moon22. It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'm sorry to hear what you've gone through, that must have been incredibly hard for you.
Curious question, are you seeing at therapist at the moment? If you feel it's getting worse, you could maybe seek ways to alleviate the pain a little.
It's good that you've come here though!  There are plenty others here just like you, I'm sure you'll find some comfort in that regards.

[Lingurine]

A very warm welcome Moon22, so sorry to hear that you are a suicide survivor. I am too. It's hard and puts us outside the 'normal' world for some time. I, like you, find it difficult to talk about this, other than to my SO, Dear friends and my T, I never really speak up about it. You never totally heal from this but it helps me to open up.

Take care

Lingurine

[Moon22]

Thank you for responding!

Yes, I have been seeing a family therapist since the time our family was going through difficult times right before his suicide.  I have continued on and off with him but I think I have out grown him and need to get to someone more knowledgeable about suicide/ PTSD (C) and haven't really found anyone yet. I'm going to keep trying.  My fear is that my marriage is a trigger! I'm not sure if that makes sense!? I have a good marriage, supportive husband/ best friend, but as we move into our 5th year married , I notice that I find myself scared to be hurt again. There are so many triggers and I've been noticing that they are all relationship based as well as being around young kids/ families, I get overwhelmed that I don't have that anymore. My kids were robbed of their innocence at 15 & 17 and seeing kids and their dads break my heart for my kids.  I simply don't know how to process all of this.  I miss our family unit as it was before our tragedy. If I feel this abandonment, I can only imagine my kids at now 22 & 25.  On the outside they too have this strong hard working aura around them. We talk when they are open to it, that's not always! I'm always up to talk to my kids about it, but that's where I'm stuck. I don't want to bring them down.  I am the one to support them with this situation emotionally and to do that  I have to continue to get through this so I'm strong for if/when they need it from  me with all they have been through.  Their ages were such hard ages for this, I can't imagine any age not being hard of course.  I'm just not sure if because I got into a relationship quickly (family friend) I didn't have enough time to grieve on my own.  I am always afraid of hurting my husband or talking about it alL the time. And, if my kids see me good and happy, they can live their life and not worry about my sadness.  The sadness they saw in me during that time is enough for a lifetime. 

Anyone have a similar situation or feelings?   

As I'm posting this, I'm watching the news.  If there is anyone that has been affected by this hurricane Harvey, you are in my thoughts and heart. 

Have a great day today.

[sanmagic7]

hi, moon 22, so glad you're here.

it does sound like you may need a t who's more in tune with grief counseling as well as trauma counseling.   i think those fears that flash you into a place where you're finding it more difficult to get out of may be what we call emotional flashbacks.  they're very common for those of us with c-ptsd.

best to you with this.  i hope you find what you need here as well as in your life.  here's a welcoming hug for you if you'd like.   

[Moon22]

I think I may have just found a new therapist specialized more in my experience.  I will know more Tuesday so I'm actually excited and have shared with my husband what I have been going through lately and actually skimmed over the topic of my triggers and how re-marrying / new family dynamics have triggers as well that I want to understand and get a handle on.  Looking forward to Sharing.  Thanks again !

[AphoticAtramentous]

I think I may have just found a new therapist specialized more in my experience.  I will know more Tuesday so I'm actually excited and have shared with my husband what I have been going through lately and actually skimmed over the topic of my triggers and how re-marrying / new family dynamics have triggers as well that I want to understand and get a handle on.  Looking forward to Sharing.  Thanks again !

That sounds wonderful, Moon22! Good luck with it all.