How old were you ***TW***

[Dee]

Today was a good therapy session, but the kind that made me think.  I have said my abuse started at 9, maybe 8.  In my second house at a location I remember my dad over my bed.  My therapist today asked were you 5?  I said I don't know (sounds so stupid).  I wish I told her that I thought I knew, but now I am not so sure.  I wish I said I don't remember 5.  I don't know why I hold back.  The truth is that the soap really, really burned during baths (my dad bathed me).  I didn't think so much of it, but recently I thought about it more.  My daughter never once complained that the soap burned.  I want to ask people, did the soap burn?  There are a few other things that makes me wonder too.  What I thought I knew, I'm not so sure of anymore.

It was hard today because I was talking about a responsibility to my mom now my dad died.  My therapist asked what about me?  What about my childhood and teen years that were stolen?  What responsibility did my mom have to me?

[Three Roses]

The soap only burned if I had an injury - a scrape from a fall, etc.

I don't believe your mom is worthy of any past promises on your part being kept. She voided any agreement the two of you may have had by her inhuman treatment of you, IMO.

[Candid]

The soap never burned me, Dee. I know it burns when applied to our tender bits, though. I wonder, too, at dad being the one to bath you. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

[Blueberry]

Soap burning?? Don't remember anything like that. Unless skin rubbed/scraped raw. So no, I'd say, soap doesn't burn. Your daughter knew that too. You didn't burn her with soap.

You will tell your T in time, when you feel safe enough to tell her. I'm sure you feel safe with her as an adult. But that still doesn't mean that you are safe enough to speak things out which will bring up a whole lot of realisations for you. Realisations used to send me into EFs for weeks, realisations triggered self-harm impulses and worse. That's not what you or I need in order to stay stable enough to continue outpatient T. So go gentle with yourself. You'll say the things when you're ready. 

Now I'm really shutting down and going on holiday tomorrow.

[Elphanigh]

Dee, I am sorry I am just responding now. It took me a while to be able to find the words since I have a very similar experience in my list of traumas. Not exactly but it was close enough. I am so sorry that you went through that, and you are completely right in knowing that the soap should not have burned. Only if there was a cut or scrape did it ever burn. I wish I could shelter your inner child and give her the caring that she probably so needs right now.

I know when you are ready you will tell your T. Take the time that you need, Dee. One of the best self compassionate things we can do for ourselves is give ourselves the grace of time when we need it. I am sending safe, warm hugs if you want them 

[sanmagic7]

no, the soap never burned, and my dad never bathed me.   i took baths with my sister when we were young, but my mom was the overseer.  it was always a girls only thing.

as the others have said, take your time so as not to get overwhelmed.  this is rough going, a dismal swamp in which it can be easy to get bogged down.  standing beside you with love and a hug.

[Kat]

Yes.  The soap burned.  Ugh... 

[Wife#2]

The soap sometimes burned. And I was old enough that I still remember bathing with my (golden child, later bully) brother.

I'm having a really, really, really bad moment, though it may be good for me in the long run. I still don't remember the foreign exchange students who summered with us. Memory fighting for sunlight. I don't think I'm ready, so not yet. I just saw one of their faces for the first time in years, decades.

*** It's time for me to go home now and I won't be on from home.

Peace, friends. They're memories. They don't own us. We are adult, strong, survivors now.

[Dee]

With everything else I didn't get back to this.  I wrote a letter to my therapist about this.  I was going to send her a message to ask when it might be safe to drop it off (not bump into stalker) and I got the call from court.  I did drop it off Monday.  We didn't open the heavily sealed envelope because we focused on court.  I didn't want to add to the stress.

When I asked the question if it burned it was sort of rhetorical, but I'm glad I asked and I am glad you all answered.  I have decided that when I hold back it is best to write a letter.  Mostly because I am angry with myself and I need to get it out.  I feel like I am lying by omission. 

[texannurse]

Dee,
I hope things go well when you do talk to your T. I understand the holding back bit...there are so many things in my brain that need to be exposed to the light but I have to be gentle with myself and let out what's ready to come out. And I'm learning to be ok with that. I hope you too can be gentle with yourself - this process is hard, painful and overwhelming. We're here to support each other, right?
Sending you a big 
Texannurse

[sigiriuk]

It was always difficult coming back from the paedophiles.
And nothing could make me clean after that.

We unfortunately share these hideous experiences, but it makes me stronger to know that `I can depend on you, when it gets bad.
Slim

[Andyman73]

Dee,

I honestly don't remember burning soap. I remember the bad man cleaning me with his bare hands, sans washcloth because little boys can be really dirty down there while potty training. Adult me wonders what he thought needed to be cleaned inside me.  Probably the same thing that he thought needed diaper cream too...