Experiences with CPTSD QUESTIONAIRE

[Andyman73]

Kizzie,
New is relative, I started remembering on January 23rd, of this year.  My earliest  remembered memories are from around right before my 3rd birthday, possibly a few weeks before. So, still 2 years old.  And the newest memory is from less than 2 years after that time. About 4-5 months before my 5th birthday. That one involves a lot of secondary trauma or transferred trauma.  It has caused me to have nightmares.

In the past 7 months or so, I've remembered so much that it feels like I've been living a double life.  And having spent the past 20 years in a DV abusive relationship(18 years married), has been incredibly rough on me.  But to know now, that this was always meant to be. That I am not who I thought I was. But to know that whipping boy is my purpose in life. 

I understand now, why my t told me we really need to work very very hard to get me to a place where this can't happen to me again.  I am one of those that bears out the truth of the statistic that shows the younger the abuse happens the odds increase of it happening again. Yes, it did, again and again.  While I did have periods of relief, it always found me. Even joining the Marines did not keep me safe from it. Then I did the one thing that was left for me to do.  Married  CN, to ensure I wouldn't have to go through life wondering when it would happen again. All I had to do was come home from work, and there it was, waiting for me. Or wake up in the morning. 

I now know it doesn't have to stay this way. I do want to escape before it kills me. My kids deserve that much.

[Kizzie]

FWIW my thinking is that when we allow ourselves to start remembering (as awful as I know it is), we are ready to move out of and past the past so to speak.  Not much to hang onto when you're in the middle of it I know, but honestly this is the kind of thought I cling to. 

And so far I have gotten through things; my EFs are less intense and frequent than they were in the past.  I really hope the same holds true for you. You are not meant to be a whipping boy, you are meant to enjoy your life, and your kids are meant to have a happy and healthy parent in their lives.

[Andyman73]

None of my memories were stuffed away by me. They all disappeared as they were formed. I never really had a sense of something had happened to me.  In 2nd grade the most popular girl in class told me that she didn't like me because there was something wrong with me, and I was too weird. So before my 8th birthday I knew I was not like most other kids. But what that really meant...I had no clue.

It's hard to think this isn't my destiny, when it always has been.  And while still in my DV marriage w/abusive wife...it's really hard to think otherwise, as well.

[Three Roses]

I had a visceral reaction to your most recent post, Andyman. I too had remembered some things that had happened to me as a child but until I was in my 30's just thought of them as "spankings". My earliest memories of abuse stem from an age that is near your own, 2ish.

I also did not try to stuff my memories of abuse, but some of the worst ones just literally disappeared immediately after they happened. I doubt I remembered then the next day. Others I completely mis-remembered - timing, severity, etc. The memory was there but not accurate in any of its details, hope that makes sense.

These experiences in childhood led me to a lifetime of compulsively re creating the situations through bad choices and choosing people who felt familiar but were abusive. Dr Bessel van der Kolk calls this the "repetition compulsion". His book "The Body Keeps The Score" is fascinating, validating, and easy to read for laymen, and I highly recommend it to you.

I think the biggest (for me) thing I took away from his book was finally realizing that the things I did that always made me feel different, alien even, were completely involuntary and were not a product of either my imagination or a bad attitude, or even a bad temper.

I am hoping you will feel validated here, having found people who are exactly like you. I realize this more and more, the more I reach out and look with objective interest at my past and present.

[Andyman73]

3🌹🌹🌹,
Wow, nobody ever reacted like that to anything I ever posted.
My CPA didn't start till about 3 years later, getting csa at age 5 triggered mommy dearest....who beat me 4-5 times a week for the next 6 years.  The stuff before and after my 3rd b-day....csa/r. The beatings were so numerous and frequent that by time I was 6 years old they just ran together. Never had to worry about remembering....next one was happening already. Still don't remember them actually happening. Really quickly I dissociated during them. I have no recollection of any single event. From time to time I feel the impacts, or I hear the sounds. But haven't remembered how mommy looked when she hitting me. No face no sound...like mannequin.

Make Andy so sad.  Him not know abuse. Him think him good boy. Mommy think him bad...say " beat that sin out and good in". Andy never know what mommy means. What sin? What beat out mean?
Him not know why brothers got no hits. Why him get only all hits? How Andy so bad??? What Andy do??? Hims so so naughty, hims let bad man hurt him, and hims let bad big boy hurts him too. Maybe mommy not hurts enough? Maybe him let mommy break him, then mommy be happy not hurt no more.

[Blueberry]

One of my Little Blueberries is standing with sad Andy who doesn't understand what his M means. Little Blueberry can't hug, but she is tentatively reaching out a hand to stroke Andy's elbow, but she doesn't quite dare. The impulse to comfort is there, though.

[Candid]

These experiences in childhood led me to a lifetime of compulsively re creating the situations through bad choices and choosing people who felt familiar but were abusive.

-- and even though my eyes are open, I still find myself soliciting abuse by apologetic, fawning behaviours.  Ugh!

[Andyman73]

One of my Little Blueberries is standing with sad Andy who doesn't understand what his M means. Little Blueberry can't hug, but she is tentatively reaching out a hand to stroke Andy's elbow, but she doesn't quite dare. The impulse to comfort is there, though.

Andy sees Little Blueberry standing close. He understands...

[JamesG]

Andy, so sorry mate, what a pile of crap to deal with.

But you are identifying it and getting it fixed in the correct understanding to begin to heal. It was wrong, it was all wrong, even the right bits were wrong. So now comes the defiance. It is your life, turn round and take it back from these monsters and show the world that decency and honesty and kindness is what makes for a good life. We in here have learned a hard lesson about the worst of human nature, but it's a lesson that we can use to define the world we want to live in. Abusers live in a bubble of horror, a circle of * all of their own, leave them there and walk away. It's a tough path but the rewards are immense. We are with you.

[SilverLingingA]

Hi Serene,
I'm kind of glad you asked this question as it peaks my interest of curiosity as well. I'm new to the community too and would like to share my experience with CPTSD by answering your questions.

1) The traumatic events that lead to me getting CTPSD - stemmed from a very early age  because of a dysfunctional family dynamic full of emotion,physical and sexual abuse. These "events" happened from age 2-13/14, then I went into foster care. Although foster care is certainly not ideal, I'm grateful I got the opportunity to get away from my FOO.

2) CPTSD Has effected my romantic partnership greatly, and that more so has to do with my inability to fully control my emotions at times, I am very sensitive. Which can be tasking on a relationship and certainly has put up some road blocks for me and my SO. But, through this recovery process, I'm learning how control myself, and not over react. My SO is also very supportive and understanding of my diagnosis. He has shown me nothing but support through this process. He also really tries to help soothe me when I'm having flashback, which is really nice. Although, I'm reluctant and withdraw affection when I'm triggered (working on this all in therapy btw). I still can see the effect my emotional disregulation does have on my relationship. I know Its hard on him too, but were getting through it and making it work through my recovery.

2)Friendships for me, are weird. I have one close friend, but other then that, really none but acquaintances that I see often. I have no problem meeting people, interacting, or even getting along with people, thats not where the issue is. I'm just now learning that I just never get close to people, unconsciously always keeping my distance. I now know, Its my attachment style, avoidant and how interact with the world. A Symptom. A symptom, that I hope to fully recover from too. Because, I like people and want closeness but always have that barrier up.

3)CTPSD effects my life greatly, now. I assume I have always had CPTSD symptoms but never was aware the severity of the depths of my issues.  I was functioning completely fine up until November last year when I had a traumatic accident that triggerred my CTPSD full blown. It took me out, my life went down,  my emotions were so low, I didn't do well in school, my work performance declined, my relationship began to have more issues. ALL ESSENTIAL AREAS OF  MY LIFE were being effected,i knew I had a problem and needed to seek professional help. So I did, Ive been in therapy all year, I just started Prolonged Exposure Therapy, am in a emotional regulation class, and also just got put on Prozac two weeks ago. So in doing all of this work, my life is beginning to not feel so debilitating anymore, which is nice. Im making progress and I am really really happy and excited about the future. So, I am making goals to continue to grow and learn through this recovery process.

4. ESTP

The best and my go resources is Pete Walkers From Surviving to Thriving. I cannot recommend this book to you enough. Next is a CTPSD workbook. Harvest Forgiveness from Shame, another book of Pete Walkers. Another great book to read is called The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kulk, its about the effects trauma has on our body. Feeling Good by David Burns - CBT for depression. All great resources that I've found helpful to me and my recovery.