I got out

[reverie]

I left.  Just grabbed some clothes and my kids, got in the car....and left.
and I feel better but not like I thought I would.  staying with my son's other grandparents but need to find our own place, obviously.  and it's not thsee sudden, brand new burdens that are getting to me.  It's that I still feel like I always did but on a much lesser scale.  and I never want to see them again but I have to.  and i'm scared.  and i'm angry that i'm scared. 
I just want to be myself again so much!

so what do you guys think?

[AphoticAtramentous]

If you felt like leaving was necessary and an important step to ensuring your safety/happiness, then good on you. ^^
I remember when my mother took me and suddenly left our home, it was a strange adjustment. But the time away from one of my abusers really helped.
Good luck with whatever your plans are, Reverie.

[Three Roses]

In my experience, big changes can sometimes feel disappointing at first, but if I stick to them and keep an end goal in sight they improve over time.

Do what's best for you in the long run. We'll be here to cheer you on! 

[Eyessoblue]

Well done you, I think a lot of us probably wish we could do that but for whatever reason can't, I'm in a situation where I need to leave but haven't got the confidence to do so, you made that choice bravely and I'm sure it will be the right one, you just need to give yourself time and I'm sure it will work out for the best. Good luck and well done for putting yourself first.

[Candid]

I agree wholeheartedly with Three Roses: when we're forced to make a big decision like this one, we can then spend a very long time questioning whether we jumped the right way.  This is a waste of the emotional energy we need to re-establish ourselves in the new situation, so  "stick to it and have an end goal in sight" is good policy.

I left.  Just grabbed some clothes and my kids, got in the car....and left.

This suggests you'd been gathering data for a long time, until you got the Decider.  All these "brand new burdens" take their toll, so be easy on yourself, know that you've done the right thing, BREATHE and keep going through the motions.

I never want to see them again but I have to.  and i'm scared.  and i'm angry that i'm scared. 
I just want to be myself again so much!

I hear you, sister.  A move like this is an attack on identity, and IME we never can go back to the less-challenged self who handled everything more easily.  We have to learn new ways of coping, and we can't unlearn them.  The new, improved version is still ahead of us, but it's messy in the meantime.  Personal growth is messy.

to you.  You've survived so much and you'll go on surviving.  You'll get through this.

[JamesG]

well done, really, bloody well done.

Enough was enough.

Expect a roller coaster is my advice, your mind will be careening around looking for handholds, but you are free, FREEEE! Leave the expectations aside, make your lists and journal as much as you can, I found that expressing the journey is a huge thing. The programming they put in your head will take some time to overcome but there is no exam to be taken, recover at your own speed and remember that everything you feel from here on in is natural, there is no right or wrong, healing can take some odd paths but it is all healing. Madness takes a while to stop feeling normal, think about the life you really want (minus the ferrari and luxury yacht) and use that as your beacon. Live, just plain live.

[PrincessPearl59]

Dear reverie

Congratulations on getting away!!! No one should have to put up with abuse. You've totally done the right thing!!!! Well done!!! 

My daughter and I escaped my abusive husband in January. He was in rehab, so I sold the house, learnt to drive, bought a car and left everything but the two cats. I smuggled my daughter over to France (she couldn't get her passport in time, though she has it now) and we've lived in Paris ever since.

I was really ill when I got here. I had a really bad throat infection but I think my body was telling me that it was time to stop. Both my daughter and I were pretty out of it for the first couple of months and then we gradually became more at ease.

In the last few weeks though, I've developed narcolepsy, a need to wee all the time, mood swings, massive decrease in confidence  and a permanent feeling of panic. My daughter has developed an eating disorder and similar symptoms to mine.

I believe it's because, as life became more settled, our subconscious was given time to process all that we'd been through, all that we'd left behind and the new life we have to face from now on. It's scary to contemplate so much, face your demons and find strategies for moving on, but with help (I attend a very dynamic women's group for survivors of abuse) and time, life can seem full of promise and hope again.

Give yourself time to simply be. Don't try to rush anything. Listen to your body and your mind. The solutions are inside. This is what I've learnt.

Good luck with everything and trust in yourself, because you are a survivor!!!

[Three Roses]

(Welcome PrincessPearl59, and congrats on your escape!) 

[PrincessPearl59]

Thankyou so much, Three Roses!!! 🙏💐😘

[Blueberry]

Reverie, congratulations on getting out! That's the main thing. The rest will come in time. It might even be good that you're not feeling over-the-moon elated? Whenever I did that, I crashed emotionally. So it might be your instinctive protective measure.

(Welcome, PrincessPearl from me too. That sounds like some escape! Wow. All that you got done while H was in rehab.    I'm impressed partly because it's so difficult for me to imagine managing even one of these actions, especially when there's a time limit [e.g. H getting out of rehab].)