Hello, this is my first time. I was hoping there were other members to connect?

[Juliette]

I am 25, and I have noticed there are many users who seem to be from their 30s-60s. I am struggling a bit to find common ground as I do not have children or 20 years worth of a terrible downhill battle. Albeit my life has been a struggle from childhood C-PTSD (which I had treated when I turned 18 and decided to change my life), and again another bought of C-PTSD after a difficult/abusive relationship.

I am typically someone who has a strong head on her shoulders, I battled depression alone, and I believe I came through with wonderful results. Despite growing up neglected, and abused verbally, I have strove to become a kind, and loving person. I had begun a path towards what I believed unattainable, but hopefully with good old hard work, and faith that I would eventually achieve this dream. Just after purchasing my first home, with someone who I believed I would start my life with, and finally have a family who noticed, and appreciated me; things quickly fell apart, and my partner became depressed (due to his own childhood abuse). I truly believe that hurt people, hurt people. My love, and support, was not enough and I am now realizing that by trying to be there for him, I slowly lost parts of myself that I worked so hard to build.

He is now in therapy, including a specialized therapist for his anger issues. Now that the veil of constant threat is gone, I am beginning to feel the depth of pain that came from this relationship. (Perhaps mixed with childhood pain as well) I very recently went to my doctors, and have secured more help for myself. Although, this was unimaginable for me...to admit that, through no fault in my own, have I regressed, and become inconsolable. Sadly enough, I do not recognize myself, and am unable to function at full capacity...and that makes me feel shame, because I have never had the luxury of relying on anyone. I wish to get back on my feet, stop remembering all the horrible things said, and done. I wish to read books by the fire place, and find contentment (sometimes that is the most we can hope for), until I am ready to open again.

I am struggling to move on from this traumatic part of my life, so I guess the question for all of you lovely folks is; how did you move forward, does the pain ever go away or do you learn to live with it, how do you tell yourself you are still lovable after these horrible things have been done to you, how do you tell yourself you are still lovable after the horrible things you have responded with?

I apologize for the lengthy post, I have not seen any that I can connect with and so I thought the first step would be to put myself out there so you users can tell me if you can connect.

Thank you, and all the best.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Juliette! I know there are many members who are closer to your age (I'm in my 60s) and I hope they'll see this post and respond.

You have posted in the adult-onset section of the Forum - if this post doesn't get many views or responses, may I suggest you post in the Welcome area? http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?board=10.0

I have also had these symptoms from childhood. I'm strong too, I think, and smart - it wasn't until I hit my 30s and had my own kids that I really started feeling the effects of a life of abuse. Seeing my own children moving thru the stages of development and seeing how tender I felt toward them created a terrible question in my mind about how I could have been treated as I was.

Nowadays, with CPTSD-awareness growing and trauma-informed care emerging, I believe the younger crowd here have a lot of hope of healing and overcoming the long term effects of childhood abuse and neglect.

All our voices together make us a force to be reckoned with, so thanks for joining and adding your voice to ours!

[Blueberry]

Hello Juliette,

Well, I'm in my late 40's but I don't have children. So that's one thing in common and one not.

I think you're lucky that you got into therapy at 18 to heal from childhood trauma. Many of us older ones didn't, undoubtedly because there was a lot less known about childhood trauma and treatment thereof two to three decades ago. So some of us have been on the healing journey for a long time, and in my case doing quite a number of detours, not because we're weak or stupid or incapable or anything, but because there wasn't adequate treatment. 

I find for myself that I have plenty in common with most people on this forum. It doesn't seem to matter to me whether they're just 18 years old or 60, or whether they have children or pets or potted plants. The similarities lie in the symptoms, the abuse and neglect in childhood, and the ways of dealing and the caring for one another on the forum. (Or for people with adult-onset, there are probably similarities in domestic abuse etc.)

As for your questions on how to move forward etc, the answers are to be found all over the forum and are far too detailed to give you just in a one- or two-liner at the bottom of my post. I hope you take the time to read and find something that helps you.

[AphoticAtramentous]

Hey there, Juliette. Welcome to the forum.

how do you tell yourself you are still lovable after these horrible things have been done to you

I surround myself in good company, good friends, this forum - I listen with an open mind to those people who tell me I'm good and loved and that helps me greatly. Eventually you will learn to love yourself, as I will learn to love myself, but it takes time and patience.

I'm fairly young as well, 18 years old. And I feel very grateful that I got this diagnosis very quickly compared to other people here. The sooner the diagnosis, the sooner the recovery.

I find for myself that I have plenty in common with most people on this forum. It doesn't seem to matter to me whether they're just 18 years old or 60, or whether they have children or pets or potted plants.

Haha, thanks for that little inspiration.

As Blueberry said though, I find plenty of things in common with the people here. I don't think the age makes much difference when it comes to socialisation here, the main thing is that we've all suffered, all had our share of abuse and neglect. You won't find someone you can relate to 100%, that's just reality. But there are plenty of things to talk about, share, especially on ways to recover!
I wish you all the best, Juliette.

[JamesG]

recovery will come, you just have to accept that the feelings and pain are part of the mind being good to itself. The hurt is the recovery. Work through it and you will get there. You did your best, as did I and many in here, but sometimes that isn't the issue, no amount of effort and intelligence can save another person and in the final accounting, it becomes you or them. That you tried speaks volumes about your compassion and love. Now that it has ended, you have to use that compassion and love on yourself, sometimes an unbelievably hard thing for an empathic soul. Nonetheless, we all need to learn it to live a happy life.

This is a phase, a season that you will pass through. You will be older and wiser for it. Choose your next partners carefully tho, it is easy to get into patterns, let the next one be an equal exchange of giving and receiving. Sensitive people need sensitive partners. I have learnt that the hard way. Take care X

[helliepig]

HI Juliette, I am just 50 and I do have a child. But what youask about how do you heal the pain of all the hurt is a current thing for me. It doesn't matter what your age or circumstances, I think it's a similar battle for all of us.

I guess you heal bits and are ok for a bit then come back and rework them. It's a process and one of ups and downs.


I couldn't process any of the awful hurt and fear of my abusive marriage for 12 years - until i'd healed some of the underlying trauma, because opening up the boxes of rage and grief were too painful. I wasn't ready because the trauma got in the way. I wasn't strong enough to grieve for a long time.

Sometimes this process is about trusting the order in which it has to happen - like there is an inner wisdom. I guess it takes as long as it takes.

And it can be hard to trust the right thing is happening when you want rid of it now! Plus also the different phases can feel just as hard and make you feel you've got nowhere, but you have. Things come when you are ready to deal with them, when you have the inner strength or the support and strength.
Right now it feels like I've gone back to ground zero with my ex and it is really affecting me. If this is grieving it sucks! It's mixed up with shame and depression and hopelessness and a fear that somehow he was right about me and he's won. I'm seeing myself through his eyes again when I thought I'd turned away from that.  It's like a terrible bad smell that tarnishes everything and you can't get away from.
But on some level I know I need to bottom it out at this level to really heal it - it's so mixed up with the trauma from my childhood I have to be ready to feel both to make any real inroads with either and that's where the real hard stuff is.
You have to just trust yourself and keep doing little bits that you can.
As I often say about any difficult task... how you do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.

[JamesG]

The thing about thinking maybe they are right about you is classic. Two ways to fight that I think, two concepts to ponder. First, they spend a vast amount of time externalising their own shame and self loathing by looking for faults in others and people such as us guys in here, make a perfect target for that. Firstly we are empathic and open enough to grant their madness a hearing, and secondly we are open and honest enough to show who we are. They are not. So we are a gift really, but not because we are flawed, but because we can be approached with relative impunity by a narcissist with bad intent and bullied to make them feel better.And, because they spend so much time and energy on looking for faults in other people, invariably they can construct something about virtually anyone. You, being the nearest target, are going to get the worst of it, and get it on a regular basis which will go deep, as we all know, but it's no reflection on your true nature. A narc can and will have something bad to say about everyone, but themselves, unless of course there is currency to be gained from self-deprecation. But also, secondly, bear in mind that everyone has flaws, normal, day to day flaws that 1 in 5 of us are carrying around as a by-product of being alive. Narcs will home on in these minor imperfections and exagerate them as if they matter, but they don't, and this is the important bit, it is human and normal to have flaws. If we didn't have flaws, we'd be perfect, and think about how absurd a concept that is. But the narc doesn't get that, they think the only reason they fail to achieve perfection is that the rest of us, with our pathetic human failings are holding them back. My brother used to hilariously look at the trail of wrecked relationships behind him and declare with total lack of non-awareness, "I'm almost beginning to wonder if it's me." I think we know the answer to that one, boys and girls. The truth is that 95% of people can be happy if they fall ok in the shuffling of a pack that only has a few cards, they can meet a person who understands their flaws in such a way that they are not flaws at all. A narc can't do that, everyone else is a fool, a failure and an embarrassment. But you have to wonder why they don't prove their point by leaving their victims behind and achieving a state of total superiority. Well, they're too chicken, too terrified of failure and rejection that they have to keep their excuses near, which means us sadly. There is nothing even remotely wrong with you any of us. But there IS a lot wrong with them.

There are good people out there, most people in fact.

[Traveller]

Hi Juliette
I applaud you for starting a recovery process when you are younger. Yes, it can get better with work and the right kind of help. The first time I entered therapy I was 29 yrs old. At that time I was able to peel off some layers & come to terms with the fact that my FOO was alcoholic & volatile. I stopped therapy for awhile, did my own reading but re started therapy with another therapist when I was 33 after my 2nd son was born. Went deeper & felt better. Although I was reasonably functional I continued to have anxiety & periodically would get triggered. But I read what I could find and kept surrounding myself with healthier people even if I didn't always feel good enough internally. After another episode of being triggered , I started remembering abuse that I had repressed so I found a therapist who specialized in trauma. I have been able to go much deeper & have significantly less anxiety now. What has helped the most was being able to finally talk about the shame about the abuse & even the shame about struggling with recovery (which I have hidden for years ). So, yes it gets better, but it isn't possible to totally heal alone. Reaching out to others is important even if it is scary at times.
Hope this is helpful.

[Blueberry]

(Thread hijack, sorry. Tremendous Aphotic, your pot-tending picture is hilarious.   Or maybe I'm just especially in need of laughing this evening?)

[Sceal]

Dear Juliette,

The feeling of not fitting is a hard one to carry. In my dailylife, I too struggle with feeling left out or simply not fitting in.
I am turning 31 in a couple of months, yet I am not married or have any children. I don't have any partner, because I can't give them what they want. Everyone around me is popping kids, buying houses, getting promoted. I just joined the university, I couldn't when I was younger, when everyone else went. It was shameful.

In case no one ever told you, or you need to hear it again. You are not weak for asking for help, on the contrary, being able to admit that you do need help, support and guidance of others and asking for takes an incredible amount of strength! Although I couldn't study in my twenties at the university, I got a degree as a medical secretary and worked for over 9 years in the first line health care where I live, and I've seen alot of people, in all ages coming in really struggling to ask for help, but they did it. And it is always the first step of recovery. Wanting to get better, and doing something that will help you get there.

Best wishes

[Juliette]

Hello to you Lovely Folks,

I thank you for your kind, and thoughtful replies. I realize that I have yet to discover the many layers of this forum, thank you for the reminder to keep searching, because I have found new posts that I can connect to, and learn from.

I apologize for saying I could not connect with older folks, this was prejudice, and misunderstanding on my part since I didn't give enough time to try understanding more how everyone here is genuinely going through similar pain. I have never spoken in a group setting, or had a chance to connect with anyone going through similar situations. So thank you, for taking the time to show me otherwise, it feels good to know I am not alone.

I came to this forum at the recommendation of a kind nurse, and I am very glad I did. Thank you for being open with me, and allowing me to open myself to a safe place.

I wish you all the best, I thank you greatly for making space for me on this lovely forum.

[Blueberry]

Hello Juliette,

It's good to see you back on here!