How to make "poor me" helpful?

[DontPanic]

In the last weeks I feel more, I am less numb. Before, there were many anxiety attacks a day, but there was not so much presence of myself noticing, i just walked through many days. Now i notice my anxiety, my avoidance and it makes me mad about myself, mad about being so damaged and not yet recovered.
I notice I'm getting angry, and I want to blame life, the universe, or even my family members. Interestingly there is no desire to blame my father, who probably contributed most to all the damages; I'm rather mad at myself or at my current state. But at the same time it feels like yelling or crying "poor me" is not helping me, it feels like being the victim again and again and again and again - bleh.
And if yelling "poor me" and "i want it to be different, i want to be sane" doesn't help: what do you do with this energy? I feel like exploding, but I think acting it out will not help me. And just being like this and doing nothing is hard.

[Three Roses]

My suggestion to you is to throw yourself into learning about cptsd and its effect on you. Each of our stories and symptoms are different and there is not just one way to progress.

However - Pete Walker's website is a treasure trove of info for those who want to learn coping skills. Here's a link to one on flashback management http://pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

Good luck, I'm interested to know if that's helpful information. 

[DontPanic]

Hello Three Roses,

thank you for reminding me of Peter Walker. I have his book sitting on the shelf, but knowing and practicing are two different parts. So I followed the link you provided, and doing the proposed steps reduces the intensity for a few minutes - which is a lot, given that this particular feeling lasts for two weeks now.

I do educate myself a lot about cptsd and trauma healing, i am going to therapy, i meditate, i went to a "mindfulness based self empathy" course, i really really do a lot to make my pain lighter. I'm just so fed up from time to time, when the pain comes back and comes back and comes back. When it gets lighter and more bearable, i can see that i am progressing. When i have a setback, i can not feel emotionally that i have achieved a lot already. While writing this, i alternate between feeling a little bit better and being overwhelmed and forcing the waves back into "it is only a part of me".

So what am i gonna do? I'll practice the most helpful steps again and again, i guess. i am just so exhausted right now. Thank you for your kindness and sorry for all the self-pity.

[Blueberry]

And if yelling "poor me" and "i want it to be different, i want to be sane" doesn't help: what do you do with this energy? I feel like exploding, but I think acting it out will not help me. And just being like this and doing nothing is hard.

Welcome to the forum, DontPanic!

Sometimes it can be helpful to take that energy and do something constructive with it, like scrubbing the floor, sawing wood or going for a run. It doesn't solve the underlying reason for the anger obviously but can be an outlet for that energy.  I used to scribble out the feelings on paper with coloured pencils or crayons. Looked like a 4 year old had been drawing but it didn't matter - just getting the feelings out. If after say 5 minutes it hadn't helped or it was getting worse e.g. I was getting more stuck in the emotion I'd stop. These are methods I developed or learnt before i knew about Pete Walker or even cptsd.

I find EFT (emotional freedom tapping - you can Google to learn how to do it) very helpful. You can tap through sentences like "I'm angry and I still accept myself." Find a sentence that resonates for you.

"I'm just so fed up from time to time, when the pain comes back and comes back and comes back. When it gets lighter and more bearable, i can see that i am progressing. When i have a setback, i can not feel emotionally that i have achieved a lot already. While writing this, i alternate between feeling a little bit better and being overwhelmed and forcing the waves back into "it is only a part of me"."

This is a fairly common with cptsd. In my experience it's gets better with time. In my case it took a long time. I've been in healing on and off for 20 years. It's only within the past 3 years where I've been in regular trauma-informed therapy that it's been changing. As your name says  "Don't panic"   but also "Don't get frustrated" or try not to. Healing from cptsd can be a long slog though I'm assuming that the earlier you get into trauma-informed therapy the better. I think it is worth the effort and I'm pretty sure there are others on this forum that think that too. You didn't say it isn't, but it's easy when you're feeling overwhelmed to give up doing the useful steps for a while.

[Three Roses]

I'm just so fed up from time to time, when the pain comes back and comes back and comes back. When it gets lighter and more bearable, i can see that i am progressing. When i have a setback, i can not feel emotionally that i have achieved a lot already.

I so relate to this!

[DontPanic]

I just wanted to add that i found another resource which helped me - obviously i was resisting against pain and setbacks.
I found https://www.rickhanson.net/accept/ really helpful - it is a detailed idea how to accept more of those things that are really hard to swallow. There are quite a few instructions for resourcing oneself on his page. Is there something like a resource list where everyone (or a moderator ?) adds resources? https://www.rickhanson.net/writings/just-one-thing/just-one-thing-simple-practices/ is really helping me a lot.

Blueberry, thank you for pointing me to EFT. I'll give it a try.

it's easy when you're feeling overwhelmed to give up doing the useful steps for a while.

Yeah, that really hits the point. When I'm in flashback mode full of drivenness, i have no patience to remember what has been helpful before and act accordingly. But you said it better than i do 

[Kizzie]

Hey DP, there's a whole section for "Resources" where you can add in links to things like this if you'd like.