Coping with Transitions

[Hope66]

Hi everyone,
I suffered quite a big EF this week, when I thought about the fact that my GP has retired, and I need to get a new GP.  I do need to go to the GP - but I am aware that I will find it tough to get to know a new one - especially as they will see my medical notes and will probably label me as depressed and anxious, as I did feel like that in the years leading up to my estrangement from my FOO. 

My actual GP will still be working in the Practice till the end of the year, but I've signed up with a new GP - and not met her yet.  I don't feel able to see the old one, because I have a massive trigger for 'Goodbyes' - even the word is hard for me to cope with - I am feeling really upset as I write this, for even having written it - it is a massive trigger word for me.  I don't even understand why it is so potent.

My EF earlier in the week was because I spoke my concerns out loud to my partner, and just speaking about it aloud made me cry a lot and I felt so helpless and upset.  As if I was distraught.

What scares me is - that when I do go and see the new GP, that I won't be able to keep myself 'together' and will be emotional and cry, and then they may think I am depressed - when I know I'm NOT depressed - it is purely due to my CPTSD (which I think I have, self-diagnosed) but which I've NOT talked to my GP about - as I didn't want to talk about my past with the old GP.

I might have to come back to this, because I am not expressing myself very well - and I've triggered myself way too much just now.

I will leave this here, but will hope to come back - and talk more about it, when I can.

Hope 

[Three Roses]

 

[AphoticAtramentous]

Sorry about this complication, Hope. ^^" It's always a little scary adjusting to something new.
I don't really have much advice to give. I've never had my own GP. But I wish things go well for you!

[Sceal]

I can relate to the stress and sadness that comes to changing health care professionals. I find it hard to let go, but also hard to accept the unpredictable change. Never knowing how the new person will be like. I hope your new GP will be a source of help and support for you.

I hope you are able to talk to your new GP, and that you do get a wonderful patient-professional relationship. As for getting diagnosed with C-PTSD, or PTSD in general. I never went into spesifics of what I went through, the psychologists made me take two questionaire tests. One of them is called SCID 2 I think. The questions are just about symptoms as far as I can remember, nothing spesific about trauma in general. Maybe that can help you get properly diagnosed, and from thereon maybe they will be able to provide you with the help that you do need.

*offering a hug*

[Hope66]

Thank you Three Roses for the lovely Group hug - I appreciate it so much.  :-)

Thanks AphoticAtramentous - for your lovely reply and kind words.

Thanks Sceal - for offering a hug - much appreciated, and for your kind words. 

I am amazing when I look back on this now, that I was feeling sooooooo triggered by this whole thing at the time I wrote about it, and also when I was expressing it verbally (out loud) to my partner - and yet 'today' I feel so much calmer about it.

But I suspect the reason for that is that I talked about my medical concerns with a good friend last night, and I've been to see a couple of Pharmacists, who have been able to offer me some 'solutions' - without me needing to face going to see my new GP...  So I guess I've 'avoided' my fears - and I suspect I will probably continue to do that until I have to face it.

I realise that I need to face the things that are causing me to feel such 'fear' about it.

The thing is - I don't want my GP to know about my past, or my thoughts about CPTSD - as I don't think there is any good therapeutic help available in the area where I live - and I know a private therapist that I saw previously - who I would see if I could afford it - not currently - but even then, I'd need to fill her in on the CPTSD information - as when I saw her previously we didn't touch on that at all - it's only since I've discovered Pete Walker's book that it made sense to me. 

Am I wrong to keep it from my GP?  I don't know.  I only know that I feel distrustful of the system - so I'd rather only go there if I 'have' to - and I've been able to talk about my medical concerns to the degree that I am now trying out some remedies - and hopefully I won't need to see the GP in the near future.  I feel relieved.

I am so relieved that I don't feel distraught anymore, at least for the moment.   I feel calm - it's a good feeling.

I appreciated everyone's replies - thank you so much.  It helped me.

Hope 

[Sceal]

Am I wrong to keep it from my GP?  I don't know.  I only know that I feel distrustful of the system - so I'd rather only go there if I 'have' to - and I've been able to talk about my medical concerns to the degree that I am now trying out some remedies - and hopefully I won't need to see the GP in the near future.  I feel relieved.

Hello again! I am glad to hear you are feeling much better today.

I used to mistrust the system alot too. I was terrified they wouldn't believe me (who would?) and I was terrified they would go behind my back and tell my parents or other people. I was terrified that I'd be a laughing stock. It took years to build up trust to my therapist, and it took a lot of guts. But what I did learn was that I don't have to trust people 100% all of the time. It's enough to trust just a little. The PTSD isn't the whole of you, it's a painful part of you. I would recommend that you go to a GP that you actually can and intime will trust. Personally I got alot better help and support once I intergrated all parts of the health care system into my mental health issues as well. But trusting and being comfortable with your GP is step one. Your GP is there to help YOU. Not to judge you, belittle you, or tell you that you are living your life the wrong way. He or She is there to help, guide and support (and sometimes correct when we do need it for our own healthy sake).
These are just my thoughts from my own experiences, ultimatedly you need to do what is best for you. And how it's best for you to heal.
All the best wishes to you!

[Blueberry]

Hi Hope,


I'm sorry you were going through this. I didn't even notice, since going through my own bad phase at the time. Am glad you're feeling better and that you obviously have some support IRL you can go to. That's such a good thing.

From what you've posted elsewhere, I'm not surprised at all that you have trouble with the word "goodbye". Though of course I may be totally wrong with my surmise.

I too can relate to the difficulty of having to change health care professionals. My T is retiring in less than 6 months, which means I can never go back to him for another bout in a year or two. I know my GP must be retiring some time in the nearish future. When I asked him, he said he's planning to keep going as long as working gives him something. He's brilliant. He knows most of my history and he's known me the longest of all health care professionals. It must be 18 years now. He's never given up on me. Where others have basically said "Goodbye, you're too difficult / your progress is too slow / you don't accept what we say / etc etc", he has remained positive and supportive. The psychotherapeutic doctor isn't exactly young either, and the only one around here I've been to who seems to take me seriously. I know the feeling that I'm not being taken seriously is a thing triggered out of my past, but how to discuss that with a health care professional when you don't feel you're being taken seriously by him/her???

Wise words from Sceal on trust and the role of your GP. I agree also that you need to do what is best for you and I believe you will find what that is as well. 

[Hope66]

Hi Sceal & Blueberry,

Thank you both for your extremely helpful replies - I was just commenting on them in my Journal entry - and I really appreciated what you both said. 

Whilst I've 'avoided' facing going to the GP - through managing to address my medical concerns via the Pharmacist and my discussion with my friend, I am feeling a bit better about the potential of having to engage with the new GP at a later date - I know it was down to a lot of abandonment 'stuff' I carry around within myself - and I know it's down to coping 'by myself' for much of my childhood and beyond, that I find it hard to reach out for support and help - although I think I'm doing much better at that in recent years - since being with my partner and also being more honest about my thoughts and feelings - and beginning to speak aloud things that I would previously never say.

Anyway, I'm thankful for both your replies - they have really helped me.   Thank you!

Hope