Through the Looking Glass to Trigger Town: mftb's Recovery Journal V.1.0

[movementforthebetter]

Each week seems to get harder. It's part of the flow of work. This week was extremely physically demanding. The last few weeks I've not slept well during the week, but wanted to sleep away every free hour. I've been eating terribly and then crashing out around up each night but still wake in the middle of the night. Today I probably slept 13 hours off and on from 7pm last night. I was so groggy all day and didn't really wake up until 8pm.

I've been moving and thinking slower these days. I'm just trying to ride out my time until my vacation in a week. It's all I can do to stay on top of work. I have nothing left after. I've been avoiding everything in life for the most part. I haven't listened to my voicemail in 2 months. On my vacation I will see my Dr. and say how poorly I am doing. I don't know how to help myself out of my problems and that scares me. I've been having more and more pain lately and I think that excaberates everything else.

I feel like the only way I can be healthy enough to work is through a life of extreme discipline, because that's what managing C-PTSD seems to require of me. But it's a life of little joy and less spontaneity. Fatigue and basic functionality are all I have these days. Little self care or good health. Yet I keep hoping that things will get better if I keep hanging on. Hope is the one thing I do somehow have, most of the time.

[movementforthebetter]

I've just noticed that I hit page 20. That was the arbitrary limit I set myself for this journal becoming too unwieldy. It feels like a good time to close this chapter and move on, and refocus on my well-being. I don't think I will post again til sometime during my vacation. Despite the difficulties I have, I think about how far I have come in a little over a a year,  and I am proud of that.

[woodsgnome]

mftb: "I think about how far I have come in a little over
a year,  and I am proud of that." Well put, and thanks for the insights and courage to share the hard slog the rocky road entails. It's good to see it become true movement for the better.