Struggling this morning

[barbidoll]

So I am not sure if I have cptsd. I do know I have some symptoms of ptsd.  I have been told by a psychologist that I have a lot if trauma.  For over a year I have been hypervigilant, I am afraid something bad will happen, my anxiety at times is so bad that when I lay down at night I feel my heart pounding and my body tensing, I am so steeped in shame.that I am having a hard time making decisions which means I have a hard time taking action, traffic causes me anxiety and at times I am even noticing anxiety about even walking to the store.
Anyway this morning I started to feel like a burden and unloved(maybe unlovable?). At one point I almost messaged my oldest kid to beg her to tell if I am a bad person or a bad mom.  I don't know where this came from but it continued into taking my littlest one to the bus stop.  The bus was running late, which I didn't know, so I started questioning myself. Did I bring him out too late? Did I look at the time wrong?  Did the bus just drive by and I didn't notice? Then I start to wonder what the school is going to think of me. Ugh part of me knows that this is not quite normal but I can't stop it the thoughts of it's all something I did wrong. 
I don't know if anyone can relate to this but I needed to get it out.  And as I type I am sitting here wondering if I am making a big ado about nothing. Yes questioning myself is a regular occurrence these days.

[Blueberry]

it continued into taking my littlest one to the bus stop.  The bus was running late, which I didn't know, so I started questioning myself. Did I bring him out too late? Did I look at the time wrong?  Did the bus just drive by and I didn't notice?

This sounds very familiar!

Feeling like a burden and unloved or unlovable sounds like an EF (emotional flashback) to me. I get this too, especially feeling like a burden.

For information on EFs and also what you can do about them, check here: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=2589.0     EFs are very commonplace with C-PTSD. With PTSD as far as I know the flashbacks tend to be more memories of the actual event, so you might see 'films' or hear things. (Very roughly put). Anyway you're welcome to ask questions and post on here whatever you have. You don't need an offical diagnosis of C-PTSD to be on this forum.

I'm sorry you've been having such a difficult day, I hope you start to feel better.

[Three Roses]

Sounds familiar to me, too. You're not alone, for sure. Hang in there!

[barbidoll]

Thank you for the responses. Knowing I am not the only one helps.  I actually think I damaged my headlight at one point because I got so caught up in a feeling of shame that I bumped my car into a pole.  It was only a moment and in a parking lot but scary.  I have barely been acknowledging kind of out loud that I get caught up in these emotional flashbacks. Part of me knows that what I am feeling is way out there but I still get caught up in these feelings to where they can kind of paralyze me.  Today I had a hard time explaining to my son's therapist that I didn't think I could do a family session with my son's father. I told her he scares me but I wasn't very clear on why.  I didn't tell her that this man has said he wanted to hit me, that he wanted to kill me and has used my childhood sexual abuse at the hands of my father to shame me.   This was after my difficult morning.   I wish I didn't question even saying this person has done their best to hurt me.

[Three Roses]

Lots of us here have trouble relating to a therapist what's happened - some of us have to write it down and either read it aloud in session or have the therapist read it. Just a thought.

[barbidoll]

Three Roses thank you I think I might need to do that.  Today was not the first time where I have really struggled to explain something.  You know the craziest part is this man had onky threatened me physically but I think I would have the same struggle to speak up if he had actually gotten physical. That is kind of scary.

[JamesG]

Hi Barbiedoll, and welcome... great peeps on here, so share away.

Your symptoms sound very familiar to me and I imagine many others here. I had a phase like that which seemed to shift in time once I had meds, but would likely have shifted in time anyway. You are quite right to see it is as normal, the brain is doing what the brain needs to do in order to reorganise in the face of the trauma. These are all hugely complex emotions and having old trauma mixing with new trauma makes it that bit more complex. But you are feeling it because your are beginning the healing and I can only say that it just has to happen to get you to a better place. The shame and guilt part is all normal too, again, your mind is trying to balance the sense of right and wrong after it has been hijacked and being a sensitive real person, you are prepared to look at yourself critically to see where you stand. Our abusers love that, because it makes us a handy peg to hang their own guilt and responsibility on.

Painful as it is, I'd say you are on course to recover. C-PTSD comes after the injury, it's a symptom not the injury itself. Read and research on the mechanisms involved if you can, it's hugely helpful to realise what is happening from a scientific perspective. For that I'd recommend the Spartan Life Coach on youtube, his stuff is really easy to digest and oddly fascinating.

You'll beat it, we all will, but in the meantime, let's be there for each other!

[Rainagain]

Hi barbidoll,
Bumping the car sounds familiar, I think its called disassociation and happens to me, sort of just zone out for a while, these things happen.

Apparently I was looking at the blank screen on my phone for over 5 minutes recently, I must have been thinking about something I guess but don't remember what.....

I wouldn't be strong enough for family therapy so don't feel bad about that either, avoiding situations that would cause you anxiety seems common sense to me.

[barbidoll]

JamesG,
   I feel a little crazy at times. Possibly because some of my abusers have told me I was.  One of them did just a few weeks ago. I am no longer sure which are my true thoughts and which are all the bad messaging I have gotten over the years. I want to be better. I used to to tell myself that I was all good even though I was sexually abused beginning at five.  Even when my sister suggested my symptoms were probably related in some way to that trauma I had my doubts. The other day I read something about survivors of childhood sexual abuse often have a fear of abandonment and I thought, "Crap! That is me!"
  I want to get better but I feel stuck in this cycle of doubts and fears. I am not going to give an example because it would just turn into a long rant that makes me feel nuts. I wish I could go stay with family for awhile for support even but I am stuck where I am at. I have been a good victim of abuse and so well trained that I don't know where I went.
Sucks big time. I need to get help. I need meds I think. I want a wine cooler and I thought opps better have it before I see a doctor because I need meds. I rarelyy drink btw but I laughed at myself over this.
   

[barbidoll]

Rainagain,
Yeah I learned to disocciate at five. I think that was the first time I had done it to that extreme since I was kid. I think I am doing it in smaller ways too but are not as scary as bumping my car into a pole.
  I can't even describe how bad my anxiety is at thought of doing family therapy with this man and it is not just because of past events but ongoing events.  I left him about 9 years ago and I don't think he has let go of me leaving him. As early as last year I know he had hopes of hooking back up with me which actually makes me nauseous. I feel like I shouldn't be made to even be in the same room for him.   I also don't see how it could help my son if I am going to sit there full of anxiety. I also am a little(A lot) resentful of being told to put aside my feelings in these cases. I wonder if women who are beaten are told this because while I am not sure if it just me that it seems wrong for someone to tell me that I definitely know it would be wrong to tell someone who was physically abused this.