Discovered something about myself

[Sceal]

I was at the SA center today, talking with my contact person there. We talked about many things, but mostly my current situation, frustration and worries. And I realised I had needed to talk about that to someone like her.
At the end of the conversation we talked about hearing voices. She said she didn't know I heard them and asked a few more questions in relation to that. Actually, she's the first one to ask me so many questions. Most T's have just asked me if they are a bother, what do they say, when did it start, are they present now? and let's put you on drugs.  Anyway, I answered her questions to the best of my ability. I asked what it had to do with dissociation. And she explained that it had everything to do with dissociation. I didn't know that. I thought it was just a thing that happened. Some biochemical reaction in my brain acting funny, or whatever else it might be. She told me about ANP and ENP. We're going to talk more about it next time.

But after I left, I felt uplifted. I felt I had hope for the first time in what feels a long time. And I thought about it. I think maybe it's why I am unable to talk about things that are emotionally triggering. Because when I was younger I wasn't allowed to show vulnerability.
It was probably me who didn't allow myself the vulnerability, but I've heard it said to me through the voices so many times over and over and over the years. "Don't cry" "Don't show them what you feel" "Don't draw attention to yourself" And similar things.
It doesn't solve the problem. But now I might know what's causing the problem. I'd say that's a big step.

Also, it makes me think of myself as a chameleon. Trying to fit in, be a rock, be approved of, and never showing the vulnerable parts of me.

[woodsgnome]

It's nice to hear the trust level you have regarding this T has reached critical mass--where if you do slip into a vulnerable stance you both can trust the process and learn from it. This isn't as easy as it sounds--at first it can seem scary, like one is falling out of control.

That takes a lot considering those hovering voices that don't want to see you improve. It doesn't mean any of this will ever get easier, but at least you've touched on new ground and so far it's okay to be there.

    

[Three Roses]

 

I think discovery is always good. Although everything inside me told me not to be vulnerable, I found being vulnerable here on the forum about my past and present issues to be very comforting, and it helped me to grow.

I also relate to feeling like a chameleon, trying everything to fit in.