Verbal Vomit Receptacle

[Butterfly]

I'm late to this topic but honestly see nothing wrong with what you said to the roommate in the opening post. You said exactly the right thing as far as I can tell. And resetting expectations as to a move date - good for you!

For me expressing preferences in a toxic situation has been battered for so long that I've lost my voice. I have no problem expressing myself in normal circumstances but if I'm in a situation where I may receive aggressive push back I freeze.

My current issue is when others vent and it's like a train out of control with no graceful or appropriate time to interrupt and stop the train. Like the issue at the hairdresser in the other post, how do you make it stop? Even if a friend just wants to vent, I don't feel like hearing it. It feels exactly like a verbal vomit receptacle.

[C.]

I don't know about others, but I changed hairdressers.  I read somewhere that those relationships over which we have most control are important places to be a consumer of someone who is appropriate.  So grocery stores, restaurants, hairdressers, etc.

As to when the "vomit" has already started I have found a couple of things that work.  One is to look at the person and think about other things intentionally.  Like "I don't feel like listening to this right now so I won't, blah blah blah."  Then remove myself physically as soon as possible.  I had to use this approach with an inappropriate boss in order to protect my own feelings and avoid obvious negative repercussions like being fired.

If possible think of ways to prevent and respond in the future.

One direct approach for a friend, although I'm not sure how good a friend is when they do this behavior, is  to use sometimes is something like "I need to stop you for just a moment.  I'm super tired/whatever reason you'd like to mention and don't feel up to talking about _________.  Is there something else that we could discuss/do?"  Be prepared to offer up a suggestion.

Maybe this is why people look down at their cell phone? lol

Finally, with boundaries if we do not set them, then others cannot know.  So with those friend or possibly positive relationships where this occurs, those who are real will respect the boundary.  It does mean letting go of those who aren't.

[Butterfly]

With two of the three friends this happened with this week I decided its best to let them now my preferences. If they're respected fine and they're good healthy friends. If they stomp all over my preferences time for boundaries and I'll have to redirect and if it continues pull out major boundaries.

The one that major vented and said she's venting I told her it wasn't healthy for me. It's an uresolvable wait and see situation with her husbands job. Sure she's loaded with anxiety and hurting for her husband but no amount of talk gonna fix it.

The other I told her when we get together next I want to do x and last time we didn't get to x like we said we would and I so enjoy x with her.

The other is a true problem and the person is reaching out for help. It was just bad timing. When I'm able I'll do what I can in a healthy, non codependent way.

The fourth person I'll have to see how to handle. If I prepare topics ahead and keep her focused she's usually ok. It's just work wnd sometimes I'm just too tired but with some people if i let a conversation flow 'naturally' knowing the propensity the other person has its my own fault it flows to places unhealthy for me. Sometimes just throwing a rock in the path of the stream gently redirects it.

[voicelessagony2]

I'm late to this topic but honestly see nothing wrong with what you said to the roommate in the opening post. You said exactly the right thing as far as I can tell. And resetting expectations as to a move date - good for you!

For me expressing preferences in a toxic situation has been battered for so long that I've lost my voice. I have no problem expressing myself in normal circumstances but if I'm in a situation where I may receive aggressive push back I freeze.

My current issue is when others vent and it's like a train out of control with no graceful or appropriate time to interrupt and stop the train. Like the issue at the hairdresser in the other post, how do you make it stop? Even if a friend just wants to vent, I don't feel like hearing it. It feels exactly like a verbal vomit receptacle.

I know exactly what you mean. My boyfriend flat out TELLS me that it's OK to interrupt him when he's working on his computer, if I need to talk to him or even just want to talk, whatever... but I still can't bring myself to do it. If I try, and get the tiniest bit of resistance, like a sigh from him, I immediately shut down inside.

He also gets "on a roll" talking about his job, and on one hand, I like the fact that he tells me all the details about his struggles and what he's working on. It feels like I have his attention, and he seems to respect my opinions. HOWEVER, he often goes on and on and on, to the point where I am sort of exhausted and a little bored even, but I don't know how to interrupt him or try to wind down the conversation.

I must have been taught at gunpoint, not to ever interrupt anybody, ever, for any reason!

[Butterfly]

Ah yes, the blow by blow of the entire day in excruciating detail. Sometimes I need to ask DH for the summary version! Or else get real comfortable and lay down to listen.