Memories

[Randomfairy]

Hello... New to posting here, be gentle please.
So I was married to an abusive alcoholic for 7 years, and it messed me up pretty bad. I got out 3 years ago. Though my body remembers everything, my mind has not been able to, and I've taken solace in this fact. I've stopped trying to tap into those memories because I understand that it's a mess of violence and I can't handle that yet.
There were some minor flashbacks, so I remember brief moments of mundane activity, nothing emotional.
Last night, right before bed, when I closed my eyes, I saw his face. The face of a drunk man. The face of a man I had come to hate more than I thought possible.
It feels like this had opened something in my head and I don't like it. I'm scared of what I may remember next and whether or not I will be able to handle it.  I want to get better, I know I'm still broken, but I'm not sure if I'm ready.
How do I prepare myself for what seems to be approaching?
How do I hold on to the progress I've made when the memories and the emotion connected to it comes back?
How do I prevent myself from losing myself again? I had just regained a semblance of self again and I really don't want to lose it.

[Rainagain]

Hello and welcome randomfairy.

The people here are lovely, don't worry about that.

I'm new here myself, the people here have helped me.

For what its worth I think the progress you have made has allowed you to feel safe enough for memories to start to appear.

I was in the danger zone for years, functioning like a robot and I am having new realisations and new symptoms lately now I am in a relatively safe place.

Its part of starting to recover I think, its alarming but is sort of a good thing.

I wanted to say welcome and reply, others will have better insights for you.

[Three Roses]

Welcome! I'd like to say more but I'm not feeling well. Thanks for joining!

[sanmagic7]

welcome, randomfairy, so very glad you're here.

when these memories/feelings begin to bombard us, they can be very frightening.  i agree with rainagain that you may finally be in a place where you feel safe enough (or your mind does) to start allowing some of the past to come up to your consciousness.

if you can, pace yourself, rest as much as possible, and allow yourself to be patient with you.  your brain is doing a lot of work, has done so in the past as you've been processing your trauma, and that can take a toll.  it's hard work, possibly even harder work than manual labor, so rest is important.  also, just breathe and allow yourself to be.

we'll be here, you're not alone.  i'm sorry you went thru such a terrible time in your life.  hopefully the time for healing has now begun.  sending a warm, safe hug.

[Blueberry]

Welcome