Issues with Over/Under Eating - Part 1 (Locked)

[Blueberry]

I did read somewhere that salt, sugar, carbs and fats light up the brain much like drugs so perhaps I am dealing with an addiction to the pleasure these provide me

I read that a long time ago about sugar, but unfortunately it's not something I feel I can give up atm. When I restrict my sugar intake, I always up my fat intake especially in the form of cheese.

Dee and Kizzie, I think it's all linked too, all these eating disorders.  I used to be pretty much an undereater, except when I went on an eating binge and would eat way too much at one meal. But then I'd go and restrict myself again. I think I've posted this somewhere before on here - I had what they refer to here in inpatient treatment as an anorexic lifestyle. I restricted myself a lot, I didn't allow myself things, even quite healthy things like a set of water colour paints. I thought stuff like "Why do you need those?? You've got pencil crayons, that's enough!" Although at the time I had no financial problems, there was no reason to restrict myself. I did buy them for myself but I remember the struggle.

In inpatient treatment in the eating disorder group they often made a correlation between eating problems / ensuing problems and emotional issues. This evening I had digestive problems and feeling a bit nauseous. So I ask myself "What else can't you digest?" Idk if there's always a correlation, probably not. There could be a plain old physical cause in some people's cases. But tonight in mine? There are quite a few emotional issues I'm having trouble dealing with and digesting.

I'm weird in my eating habits. I like some super healthy stuff. Like I'll wander into the garden and pick fresh spring weeds and have a big salad, maybe with a bit of fruit added for colour and taste. Then another time I'll eat a bunch of bland-tasting, industrial sugar-filled whatevers. Atm I'd be the first to admit that they don't even taste good.

[Blueberry]

I feel very fat today. This morning I was active, doing volunteer work for a group I've been a member of for years. It felt good. But when I got home again I couldn't somehow think what I could do other than eat or sleep, so I ate and then went to bed for a while. Though there are tons of things I could have done. But no, binary choice. Eat or give up and go back to bed.

Then I remembered I tend to feel bad and spaced out after FOO contact. I did have a little of that recently and I have felt a bit spaced out all day. So feeling bad due to FOO contact could have been what 'pushed' me to eat. It was of course my decision to actually eat. There are stops along the way. I feel as if I have no will power atm.

[artemis23]

Sceal- omg I am in love with your trainer! You lucked out, most of them really push people into dieting/food shaming. They sound really competent and like they know the research! Kudos to them and you for getting support for healthy lifestyle. Proud of you.

Blueberry. I've been feeling really fat too. It's a crappy feeling for me, like I'm not good enough/don't deserve to live even. Deep shame. I'm dealing with so much right now, not feeling like I deserve care or support because, I realize, that's the environment I grew up in/am living in. FOO contact is really triggering, esp for the food issues. My cycle is trigger, overeat, then beat myself up/shame self for not having willpower. In a way I am abusing myself for them...with food. Nothing to feel bad about, just something to notice. And honestly it feels safer sometimes for me to be 'fat'. Like I'm less shiny or less of a target to predators. Like my family. To the narc M who is obsessed with her looks and I'm def a threat. I think that's a big part of why I've been overeating. And what I survived last fall with DV and assaults. Of course, what's actually attractive is confidence, but because of societal stigma I feel less confident when I feel fat or gain weight. Something to think on anyways.

The truth is you are doing the best you can. Proud of you

I have been overeating a lot since I moved back in with M, and gaining weight. To hide. To self soothe, to shame myself and prove I'm unworthy of love and support and resources. But I just filled out an app for a grant that may be awarded to me for psychiatric hospitalization which I could really use a long term stay at a trauma specialized one. And I finally called this crisis center here that's amazing, they deal with sexual trauma/rape. But they are so good and I should get some counseling and she said there is safe housing program I can apply for. Please pray or send good vibes out for me for this. I have to get out of this environment to heal. They just can't be supportive whether they are abusive or just in their own denial/ignorance about my illness.

[Blueberry]

What I'm about to write is probably pretty obvious. However. Eating my feelings down doesn't work because it leaves me feeling as if I'm somewhat emotionally stable but then when some added stress comes along or maybe a few stressors, everything crumbles. (Of course there are other reasons why eating feelings down doesn't work but this was my lightbulb moment this morning.)

[Sceal]

Sceal- omg I am in love with your trainer! You lucked out, most of them really push people into dieting/food shaming. They sound really competent and like they know the research! Kudos to them and you for getting support for healthy lifestyle. Proud of you.

I wish she was mine, but her fee is almost as big as my monthly income. So sadly I can't afford her. But I had a free consultation with her, and it helped at least a little bit. She gave me some things to think about.

Next week I'm going to the hospital to get information in regards to wl surgery. I'm scared. About the food.

[Kizzie]

We're at Page 5 and just to keep things manageable I'm going to lock this thread and open a Part 2 so it isn't quite as unwieldy to load and read.