What is Healthy?

[Elphanigh]

I thought I would start a post on this. I have realize that what I need/want from recovery in this early stage is simply to find a healthier me. Growing up being abused, and then also in dysfunction really gave me no clue as to what a healthy life looked like. This is my goal right now, is to find what is healthy for me all around. So inner life, relationships etc.

The point of this post is to see what everyone finds to be helpful, or find that they consider to be a must for being healthy. I want to construct a place that is healthy in my new apartment, and routine etc... Anything that you find helpful or a must have. I want to make sure to use my resources to figure this out, rather than relying on myself to teach myself something I have never truly seen.

[sanmagic7]

what a lovely post, elphanigh!  simply beautiful!  courageous as well as filled with humility.  you moved me.

one piece of healthy i've found, now that i'm starting over, is to make my living quarters (in this case, it's one room) just the way i like it, rather than the way someone says it 'should' be done.  i had a little tussle w/ my landlady, who wanted to rearrange pillows on my bed (after i had placed them the way i wanted them) in a feng shui (or however it's spelled) manner.

i made a little argument, then let her do her thing, but the next day i rearranged them the way i wanted again, and she hasn't said a word since.  i've also had that argument with others re: feng shui and my love of dried/dead flowers.  i'd get roses from my hub, dry them, and make a bouquet of them.  to me they were now everlasting and an eternal remembrance of the love that went behind them.  (apparently, feng shui believes dead flowers is a very neg. thing.  it's always been a very uplifting thing for me)

so, just for that piece, i think having and surrounding yourself with things that you love, that speak to you in a special way, colors that please and comfort you, knick-knacks or things from nature like branches, stones, feathers - whatever it is that feels good for you is healthy.  it may not work for anyone else, but it's not their life, is it. 

i'm eclectic in my choices, and i like clutter.  others are very organized and spare.  to each their own.  if it works for you, no matter what your parents, friends, family might say, then i believe it's a healthy environment for you. 

this is so cool.  i can't wait to hear what others say.  i know there's gonna be some good stuff for you on here.  love it!  big hug!

[Elphanigh]

Your response is both so helpful, and really truly made me smile. I am so glad you like this post and see the beauty/courage in it! It means the world. I wasn't sure of what people would think of it, or what kind of response I might get. It seems a bit of an odd topic to just ask about it. I am so glad you like it.

I am excited to see what else I get as well. Your advice for my space is very helpful. I have a studio apartment that I finished moving into last week, so I am unpacking and trying to create the space like you have for yourself. I will fill it with things that I love and make it my own.

[The Magician]

I could've written this post myself, it resonated so fully!!!

SAME! I had no idea what a healthy life looked like, but now I feel like it's unfolding very slowly before me.

I've become really interested in minimalism and I recently (January 2017) read Marie Kondo's Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. I gave away all the bs my FOO shoved on me when I moved, all the thoughtless, last minute gifts, all the birthday cards they thought served as good enough in place of a phone call or visit...

My FOO was very messy and hated cleaning. I find myself taking new pleasure in normal chores that I used to dread. A clean apartment feels like such a luxury.

I also started bullet journaling, as well as keeping a Throw-Away diary. I write two or three pages every morning (or whenever I remember, lol) of stream of consciousness blather in my Throw-Away diary to just get all the ruminations and worries out. Sort of like exorcising my demons. I never re-read these pages. They're not meant to be re-read. And they could say anything, like, "I'm so bored, so tired, have to do laundry," over and over. Doesn't matter. It's just to get my negative self-talk out of my head. Then, when the notebook is filled, I recycle it.

Sounds wacky but it got me through some dark times.

Much love,
M

[Kat]

Wow!  All of these posts are so beautiful and insightful.  I would say that you've already done one of the healthiest, most helpful things possible by starting to question what is healthy and what is not and by asking others.

Years ago, I went to family therapy that my mom requested so that she could "fix" me and my siblings.  While I knew very well that the one needing to be fixed was my mother and had always sort of known there was some sort of mental issue with her, it really threw me when the therapist diagnosed her as suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder.  My world was flipped upside down.  If none of what she did was normal, then what was?  That was a major reason for me going into individual therapy.

Therapy, questioning and observing, trusting my instincts, and asking those I trust for guidance have been the things to help me.  It's been a slow process, but it can be done.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both for such thoughtful responses.

Magician, I really live the idea of journaling like that. It sounds like it would be very productive. Thank you!

Kat, Thank you for seeing that I have done a healthy thing in questioning it. I am slowly starting to figure out what it looks like. I am glad you worked for it after finding out for sure about your mother. that would be a really hard fact to work with.

[clarity]

Healthy for me is a great deal about food.
I had an eating addiction for 30 years, and in my worst times was a total slave to eating for emotional relief.

So..... healthy to me now is
Eating REAL food... most of the time.
Enjoying the odd nostalgia treat for my IC as well.
Eating at regular mealtimes.
Devoting proper sit down time for a meal.
Presenting food well on plates, on bowls etc.
Keeping a good supply of food in the house.
Making my own sauerkraut and kefir has helped me massively.. ( and to overcome a thyroid disease)

other healthy things for me are  -

listening to my body tell me when it is tired, bored/restless, so that I change my activities appropriately and don't sit for hours doing one thing which I used to do a lot for distraction.

having various creative hobbies, painting, music, gardening etc... and devoting time to them most days without guilt, seeing it as essential not self indulgent!

Agree... what a great topic... thankyou for posting this!!!

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for sharing Clarity! I am so glad it is a helpful topic for other people too

[ah]

I hope it's okay I'm adding to this thread a few months late. It's really thought provoking. Never thought about it before.

I'm not healthy, so I never thought of what healthy meant for me. It's something I wish I had but lacks from my life. I think that makes us experts at exploring it because we need it!

I agree 100% with making your place your own. It's not that easy for me because it means I need to know what my likes and dislikes are. For example, it took me decades to realize I'd been avoiding simple electric appliances because I was shamed and told not to use them in the past and it became a self-hating habit. So as soon as I could I got these very same appliances and I use them on a regular basis.
Same goes for activities. Things I was forbidden to do but I like. Parts of myself I rejected. Things that are me and only me, even if they're silly. Cartoons I especially liked or some crazy joke that only made sense to me.
Things that remind me I'm a good person, too, because I forget it all the time. Remind me of my values. Like a very good quote about compassion.

Having levels of privacy also works for me. One spot (a couch) can be less private with things others can see, but another chair in another corner is just my own, with journals and papers and books no one but me ever sees. So I have different grades of safety and solitude I can withdraw to or come out of depending on where I'm at. It's physical and mental. I have different levels of sharing with different people. I'm teaching myself to keep my privacy when I feel uncomfortable. I learned to say no, that's maybe the healthiest of them all. How ironic. "Yes" isn't, at least not to me. "Yes" is submission. "No" is self affirming.

Deciding certain people and behaviors aren't invited in my mind or my house also makes a difference. I imagined my abusers not being allowed in the door (physical as well as mental) as if it's a "clean" space, free of violence. There will be occasional aggression because we're all human and we get upset, but that's it.

It all points to boundaries, I guess. Flexible, strong, movable boundaries according to context and where we're at.

I think starting this thread was a very healthy thing to do.

[DecimalRocket]

I'd like to post a response out of my own thoughts but I'm tired today. So here are Arabaham Maslow's Traits of Self Actualized People from Wikipedia.

Efficient perceptions of reality. Self-actualizers are able to judge situations correctly and honestly. They are very sensitive to the fake and dishonest, and are free to see reality 'as it is'.

Comfortable acceptance of self, others and nature. Self-actualizers accept their own human nature with all its flaws. The shortcomings of others and the contradictions of the human condition are accepted with humor and tolerance.

Reliant on own experiences and judgement. Independent, not reliant on culture and environment to form opinions and views.

Spontaneous and natural. True to oneself, rather than being how others want.

Task centering. Most of Maslow's subjects had a mission to fulfill in life or some task or problem 'beyond' themselves (instead of outside themselves) to pursue. Humanitarians such as Albert Schweitzer are considered to have possessed this quality.[citation needed]

Autonomy. Self-actualizers are free from reliance on external authorities or other people. They tend to be resourceful and independent.

Continued freshness of appreciation. The self-actualizer seems to constantly renew appreciation of life's basic goods. A sunset or a flower will be experienced as intensely time after time as it was at first. There is an "innocence of vision", like that of an artist or child.

Profound interpersonal relationships. The interpersonal relationships of self-actualizers are marked by deep loving bonds.

Comfort with solitude. Despite their satisfying relationships with others, self-actualizing people value solitude and are comfortable being alone.[19]

Non-hostile sense of humor. This refers to the ability to laugh at oneself.

Peak experiences. All of Maslow's subjects reported the frequent occurrence of peak experiences (temporary moments of self-actualization). These occasions were marked by feelings of ecstasy, harmony, and deep meaning. Self-actualizers reported feeling at one with the universe, stronger and calmer than ever before, filled with light, beauty, goodness, and so forth.

Socially compassionate. Possessing humanity.

Few friends. Few close intimate friends rather than many superficial relationships.[20]

[Elphanigh]

I love that you two are adding to this thread. Thank you both. These are great things for me to contemplate.

[LittleBird]

Just found this thread. Environment is so relevant.

We need to work on our internal and external environments. Right now I'm freezing cold because I've been sitting here since early o'clock. I'll have to come back later with my examples.

My main thought is that everything you can change in order to feel peace will be significant to you.

I love sanmagic7's examples and the fact she stood her ground with her landlady. The Magician - that's a great idea, but if it was me, I'd not destroy your books, I'd bury them out of sight out of mind (in a place so far away, you could fool yourself it's gone forever).

Peace is an art form which you really need to create yourself.