Postponing my exam

[Sceal]

I don't know where to post this.
In my journal? Progress? Setback? General? Just a difficult day? Or just... all of the above...

I've known for a while my mental health hasn't been strong enough of capable enough of studying this semester, never the less actually taking the exam. I decided a few weeks ago that I needed to postpone it. Yet, I didn't log into the student webpage and cancel my exam. There's a time limit to it, you can cancel your exam up to two weeks before. So I just postponed.
Then I did some research, it turns out if I get a sick leave I can retake the exam at the beginning of next semester. And that way I could take another subject that semster instead of re-doing this one.

I wrote a pro-con list for both scenarios. Getting the sickleave and taking the exam in February/march and for re-doing the entire subject. I talked briefly with my T about this  a few weeks ago, and she was encouraging in me postponing the exam. But at that point I didn't know February/march was an option. I talked it over with one of the T's from the DBT group I'm in after group today.  She didn't tell me what to do, but she helped pointing out that it'll be less stress in the short term and long term if I re-do the subject.  And as I was sitting with her, I felt more and more nauseaus about thinking about doing the exam in Feb/march. So I decided. I am re-taking the entire subject next semester. I logged into the student webpage, clicked "withdraw", it asked me "Are you sure?!"  *, no I'm not sure. This might be a super stupid choice to make. And then I clicked yes.

Now? Now I feel like such a miserable failure. I should have just buckled up and pulled through. Stop complaining and sit up and just read til my eyes fall out and my brain turns to mush. Emotions be damned.
I am trying to remind myself that I made this choice so I can focus on my health.
Focus on therapy, on DBT, on my eating disorder, on lowering stress and expectation levels. Giving myself time to be compassionate, earn more focus and get out of the depresssion I'm currently fighting. Learning to stand up for myself and stop comparing myself to people with less debilitating struggles.
It's just.. heartbreaking that I couldn't do it. That I am my own demon in pursuing my dreams.

I ended up posting this in this section because I did something vital: I chose my health.
And that is progress, sort of, isn't it? Despite the conflicting emotions?

[Three Roses]

 
Yes, encouraging our community to choose health and self care is really at the core of this forum's focus. Good job, you!

[Sceal]

  thank you. I am still struggling with it. But at the same time proud to choose health

[Blueberry]

Yay for choosing your health    I put off some exams and withdrew from a course when it was doing my head in. I even dropped a whole subject out of my degree when it didn't work out emotionally-speaking. It's OK. I made a decision for me. You made a decision for you.

Now? Now I feel like such a miserable failure. I should have just buckled up and pulled through. Stop complaining and sit up and just read til my eyes fall out and my brain turns to mush. Emotions be damned.

That sounds to me as if Inner Critic is having a great time. My ICr. spews the words and thoughts of FOO. Who is your ICr copying?

Focus on therapy, on DBT, on my eating disorder, on lowering stress and expectation levels. Giving myself time to be compassionate, earn more focus and get out of the depresssion I'm currently fighting. Learning to stand up for myself and stop comparing myself to people with less debilitating struggles.

Yes! You're doing great focussing on these, and that's more than enough work for going on with. 

It's just.. heartbreaking that I couldn't do it.

That I am my own demon in pursuing my dreams.

Maybe it's really C-PTSD that's the demon? That was stuff that was done to us. We didn't choose it. I agree it's really sad that for so many of us pursuing our dreams and living up to the potential buried deep within us is so difficult. 

[sanmagic7]

proud of you, sceal, for choosing health and self-care.  that exam, that course will be waiting for you when you're ready.  no failure there, just a healthy choice.  who needs a brain made of mush?

when i first ran away from home and went to mexico, saying that i was dying, my narc daughter told me i was simply denying that i didn't want to deal with my life anymore.  a lot of people were mad at me for leaving.  they had their own expectations of me.   did i fail them?  i chose health.

coming back to the states 16 yrs. later, leaving my hub and our bickering marriage behind, leaving a life i'd built behind, leaving friends behind - i chose health.  did i fail at not sticking it out?  at not making more of a go of it?  i don't think so.  i've always given it my all, but not enough so that it would kill me.  is that failure?

you're doing just the right thing for you, sceal.  that is never failure, no matter what anyone else might think or say.    i agree with blueberry that c-ptsd is the demon here, not you.   you go!  sending a hug of accomplishment and love.

[Sceal]

It means alot to me that you're cheering me on, and reminding me that my choice was both legit and a smart one.
I am still struggling with it. With the shame of not being good enough. And with the fear of what to tell my parents - it's stupid. I'm in my 30ies, I shouldn't worry what my parents think in regards to how I spend my time as long as it's not destructive behaviour.

[I like vanilla]

I agree with the others - Yay! for you for choosing self-care!! 

If it makes you feel any better, I work in academia and it is fairly common for people to postpone exams, withdraw from courses, retake classes, etc. due to health issues (physical, emotional, and/or psychological). So in that sense you can even say you did something quite 'normal' as well as healthy.

Many institutions have counselling offices. If you are stuck in the future (hopefully not, but just in case), it might be worth swinging by there (if your school has such an office). It would not be for therapy, as it sounds as if you have supports already in place for that, but so that they can help you through the specifics of the processes/systems that your school has in place to help people in your situation (hopefully, your school has such systems/processes). I say this not to 'give advice' but because I have been discovering that many students do not know such supports exist at their institutions; please use the information or ignore it as best suits you and your situation.

And really, congratulations that you made such an incredibly difficult decision, and for choosing your health and well-being. The school will be there tomorrow, next month, next year, and so will the classes. You were wise to consider your options and to choose to care for your health now. 

[Sceal]

If it makes you feel any better, I work in academia and it is fairly common for people to postpone exams, withdraw from courses, retake classes, etc. due to health issues (physical, emotional, and/or psychological). So in that sense you can even say you did something quite 'normal' as well as healthy.

This actually helps me alot! if I am able to get to the place where I can get an academic position... That'd be lovely.

Many institutions have counselling offices. If you are stuck in the future (hopefully not, but just in case), it might be worth swinging by there (if your school has such an office). It would not be for therapy, as it sounds as if you have supports already in place for that, but so that they can help you through the specifics of the processes/systems that your school has in place to help people in your situation (hopefully, your school has such systems/processes). I say this not to 'give advice' but because I have been discovering that many students do not know such supports exist at their institutions; please use the information or ignore it as best suits you and your situation.

I've been in regular contact with the guidance center for the university all through this semester and the previous two ones. I've been open with her about my struggles. She's been helpful in many areas. Buty I need a study guide, a mentor. But I was denyed it by the people who fund that project. So I'm on my own.

[Blueberry]

Buty I need a study guide, a mentor. But I was denyed it by the people who fund that project. So I'm on my own.

I'm sorry about that, that must make things needlessly even more difficult. 

[RedRat]

Hi Sceal, it makes me sad to hear that. A tutor can make quite a difference. I got lucky to get one but I remember other people who didn't got the help they needed. Have you spoken to your student representative about this? I used to be a representative for a while when I was more stable and I remember that disability cases are a rather common issue. Sometimes the unions have creative ways to help. Our organisation used to have a staff of about 30 volunteers who didn't wanted to take the burden of office but loved to assist. We used them for all sorts of things. So if you are lucky your student officer might know a good soul who is willing to help. People volunteer for all kind of causes so perhaps there is someone out there who is just looking to make a difference without the hassles of politics. If you are courageous you might even hang up a note on the blackboard and see if someone responds. Might be worth a try. Wish you the very best !

[Sceal]

The people who give out mentorship programs or "studies with support" (two different things) are the wellfare people. It's not the university itself. They declined my application because they don't approve of my studies as a way to be able to get back into work-life once I get better (I think it's because it's a lengthy education, and longer because I'm doing it parttime). So my only option is to pay for the mentors myself, and I'll have to find one willing to do that.
And I'm not so corageous to hang up a note on the blackboard. I might try next semester,  I will think about it at aleast. I have to figure out a way to afford it and how much money to actually pay them.

Thank you guys fro your suggestions and support.