Infancy trauma - any others can relate??

[Little2Nothing]

My M had 6 children. She did not raise any of us. I have  brother that I never met. He died two years age. A sister I didn't meet until about 20 years ago. 

One brother was given to my M's parents as an infant. The brother I didn't meet and my sister were in an orphanage ten miles from the orphanage I was in with my other brother. The last brother died in infancy in a home as well. 

The thought of not being wanted by my M is the most profound pain I carry. Unfortunately my M got me out of the home at 8 yrs. old. 

From that point I endured physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. I never felt wanted or loved. 

Having said that I am loved now. By my wife, children and grandchildren. I still carry the pain of the past, though I am working on that. Gratefully I am no longer alone, unwanted or unloved. 

[dollyvee]

Hi L2N,

Yes, I deal with this too. My m told me I was a "mistake" as in you were an accident, we never meant to have you. My t's seem to flinch when I say this as I guess the other meaning is, I wish you'd never been born, which is quite awful.

The idea of not being wanted has come up over the recent months, but I don't think I ever had a profound awareness of it. I can imagine you felt it more acutely at an orphange. Mine was clouded in she was around, so my focus became trying to get her attention/approval, and then likely being reprimanded or pushed away, leaving me with the feeling like there was something wrong, I was never good enough. So yeah, as infants we look for that person to attach to to keep us safe and if they're not there, it stays with us.

As an update to what I wrote before - I've been discussing with my NARM t this week the feeling of looking to someone for protection, or that I might need that person, with an underlying feeling of being excluded from the "group." I think this is basic survival stuff stemming from infancy trauma, and/or family scapegoating. I guess it shows up as an anxiety, or need.

When tracking my responses to things, t was asking basic questions like, how does it show up for you? and I say I don't know a lot of the time because I don't. It's like a question mark, or murkiness, maybe in the body as a feeling - like the beginning of excitement or anxiety, but I don't know how to define it. And maybe there is also the possibility, as t suggested, that I am scared to define it because it will mean a seperation.  I haven't really looked at this feeling of "not knowing," or whatever it is, in itself. Maybe it's always felt like an obstacle to overcome, that I have to provide an answer to what they're asking. I think it's helpful to stay with this feeling.

dolly

[StartingHealing]

I totally relate.  From birth till 9 months old, total black hole as far as any indication of where I was, who I was with, I know it wasn't 1st mother.  To many 'convenient' fires in places that held records.... That life threatening situation of no more mom around.. yeah, scars. Deep. Way deep.  then the gaslighting from the 7th level of hades.. "Your mother loved you enough to give you up."  *?!?! H377 of a thing to tell a kid. 

The dogma was another mind -uck.  Unmarried parentage was a huge no no, big sin, massive sin, even if you repented yada yada yada, good possible of burning for eternity,  and yet that was the story they were repeating to me ?!?!  Young unmarried couple, out of state, didn't have the $ to raise me.. Wait, Da Fuq?!    Soooooo somehow paying money to the state to create a legal fiction (me) was the golden ticket so I wasn't a basta-d ? (in the old meaning) Now I am blessing??? Because a state employee deemed it so?   

2cd mother had, Something I have no d-mn idea, like she 'needed' another child.  She had given birth to 4 before me.  yeah figure that one.  Wanted to "round out the kids"  huh?  Maybe because you can't get pregnant again is like the will of the universe or something?  Then the social proof from all the people in the positions of power. 

wishing all here all the best 

[AphoticAtramentous]

The dogma was another mind -uck. Unmarried parentage was a huge no no, big sin, massive sin, even if you repented yada yada yada, good possible of burning for eternity,  and yet that was the story they were repeating to me ?!?!  Young unmarried couple, out of state, didn't have the $ to raise me.. Wait, Da Fuq?! 

It's unfortunate that I relate to this much. I always found it to be telling how my parents had the ideal model of a relationship in their perception and still couldn't be bothered to follow it. Yet I must follow it to an exact tee for them in my own relationships. I feel like some parents tend to try and turn their child into the person the parent wished to be, which is incredibly selfish.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[Chart]

I always found it to be telling how my parents had the ideal model of a relationship in their perception and still couldn't be bothered to follow it.

I'm fascinated by the brain's ability to "perceive" reality by modifying reality to another format or order...

I feel like some parents tend to try and turn their child into the person the parent wished to be, which is incredibly selfish.

I was conceived with the mission of "changing" my biological father and making him "come back" to my mother. My mother, in total obliviousness of the morality, told me she "prayed and prayed" for a little boy, thinking her husband would NEVER abandon his son like he himself had been abandoned. Surprise! He did... So I failed in my prescribed mission. My mother still doesn't see anything wrong with what she did...

[Lakelynn]

These are the ideas I've noticed;

Blueberry's experience with leg issues related to the concept that very early trauma causes impairment in the developing child's brain and circulation
Papa Coco's experience of seeing his parents more compassionately when learning about his parent's history through another person
Little 2 Nothing's lifelong pain of being unwanted
dollyvee's questions about the effect of searching and separation
StartingHealing's experience from surrender
Aphotic's thoughts about creating and raising children with a corrective mirror in mind
Chart's experience of being a magical solution for the parental relationship

I briefly accessed specific infancy memories 50 years ago, during an inpatient hospitalization. The response from the nurse was crying. I felt nothing at the time, and now it's buried so deep, it won't ever come up again.

What I am taking away from this is that parents leave a permanent mark, the more information we can gather, the better. We are fallable people that can learn, change and lessen our pain. Whatever we gain from others can be applied to our own parenting, if that's the case. We can re-parent ourselves. (Growing up Again-Parenting Ourselves, Parenting Our Children. Illsey & Dawson) It's never too late to start. 

[LeonLaviu]

Hello John

Maybe it's a little late for this reply and I hope you already found a solution. I'm about to start ERMD next week, so it gives me hope to see that you already had some results with it

I can relate. My mother had some postpartum depresion and wasn't there for me. I don't really remember it, but later she was very distant. She never wanted to play with me. She arrived from work and took a nap everyday. But for some reason she always wanted to do things with my little brother. My father was there for me but he died when I was 12. I felt very alone in the family, he was my only ally. My mother never spoke to me about his death. I did my mourning all alone and incomplete, so I got to do it a lot later in life.

Before I even could name what was going on with me and my family I discovered the art of letting go. And it was life changing for me. It's very simple. I just take some time of my day to feel the emotion I'm feeling. Not to thing much about it, as to name it or from were does it come from. Just feel it as a bodily sensation.

It's extremely intense, and it feels horrible at the beginning. Cause is the most direct approach, feel the thing you don't want te feel, feel the feeling you've been avoiding your whole life. It sucks at the beginning but with some time and persistence I felt the intensity of certain emotions diminish, and I don't get trigered as easily

Hope it helps.

[Regardz]

Chart and others in this discussion, I do resonate with this. Chart, I clearly remember my father standing near me while I sat on the floor watching televion when I was about 5 or 6. He was wringing his hands and saying how he would never be able to pass on our family name. His brother who he had a very competitive relationship with has a son. It killed my dad. I remember sitting there knowing that it was me who was supposed to be the son.  I am so sorry for what you have experienced. Just remember you are worthy of giving and receiving love. I have only been on this forum for a few days but just reading posts from people like you is so helpful. I feel less alone. I know this is an older thread and I hope you are feeling better.

My mother once told me she prayed and prayed for a baby boy. She thought that because my father was abandoned by his father that having a son would change his violent behavior. I was conceived with the sole purpose to save my mother's marriage.

[Chart]

Thanks Regardz. It is nonetheless amazing the brutal insensitivity we experienced. It's like the things that are the most blatantly obvious are/were totally invisible to our caregivers. I'm so sorry your father was so blindingly selfish. Pity you for sure didn't know at the time that it's the male spermatozoa that carries either an X or a Y chromosome which is the determining factor for gender... "Actually Daddy it's "your" fault... seems your Y-female sperm are just so much more fit and strong they succeeded where the boy-sperms failed!"
 

I'm glad too you feel less alone. Me too. So many people have supported and validated my experiences here. It helps so much. We are not crazy. We are good people who were treated horribly. It happened when we were young and couldn't even know there could be a difference...

I believe the conceptual identification of Cptsd / Developmental Trauma, is the single most important discovery in the mental-health field since the birth of psychology. Genetics is important, but it's responsible for very little chronic mental pain. An unhealthy environment, particularly during development is by far the main indicative factor in mental "disorders".
-End rant-
(Yeah, I guess I am feeling better... at least tonight:) )

[Regardz]

Thank you for responding and I am so glad you are feeling better. It is literally day to day with trauma.


-End rant-
(Yeah, I guess I am feeling better... at least tonight:) )
[/quote]

[Chart]

It is absolutely day to day, I agree Regardz. Developmental Trauma is like a car arriving at the end of the assembly line and realizing the engine wasn't installed. Putting it in now is a nightmare. We have to take apart all sorts of things to try and get the motor in. It would have been SOOOO much easier if it had been done at the proper moment much much earlier on. That's trauma. We're doing all the work over again. And by ourselves. It's not easy. We're getting better, but it's insanely hard.

[Armee]

 

[Desert Flower]

Hi all, I'm late to this discussion but I can relate too. It's unbelievable what some people do to others to feel better themselves. I'm so sorry for all of us here.

My parents didn't have me on purpose either. They thought they were unable to have children. And then, my m turned out to be pregnant after all. And she said to me once she really didn't think "it was necessary". It's hard to translate this one. I hate it when she says this. It either means: "don't bother on my account" or "I really don't want this".

- Trigger warning maybe -

I did do some great imagery/imaginairy rescripting around the image I had of me as a baby. It was an image of a baby very still and very tightly wrapped.
And in therapy, we worked with the baby part, we unwrapped her, held her (the T held the baby actually after she asked if that was okay and I sat with them), we gave the baby a nice room with some soft toys, sang songs to her. And the baby started making little sounds and playing with her toes (I'm surprised how fast this happened) and it was very nice and comfy.
And now I have this new image I can return to when I want and that feels very nice.

[Chart]

Beautiful image DF. There's another thread on the forum about inner children. A lot of people struggling immensely with the concept of inner children. I did (and still a bit) struggle as well. But I've seen an "evolution" in ic awareness and "progress" in myself over the past six months. I think it's not something necessarily natural. But for me, time has strengthened the images, perceptions and feelings and I'm more and more comfortable. This morning during my "secure Center" meditation I invited my two inner children to join me. They had no problem with that and we cuddled together under my maple tree for a nice long time.