New here, but been reading for a while :) (Trigger Warning)

[HMSThunderChild]

Hi! I've been reading this forum for about a week, but I haven't posted yet. I've been in therapy for years, but only in the past two years or so have I begun to make real progress. My dad is/was emotionally abusive and physically threatening (parents divorced when I was thirteen, he moved out when I was fifteen). One of my first memories of him is of him lifting me up in a rage. I was afraid first that he would bash my head against the ceiling, and then that he would drop me, but he did neither and I ran away crying. Another example, in preschool I dropped a paper ticket on the floor of the train car while we were getting off. He stopped, turned me around, crouched down and said that littering was a horrible crime and that I was killing the earth. He went on and on like that while I cried. We were blocking the aisle and all the other passengers were staring. I tried to pick the ticket up again, but he grabbed my hand to stop me and said that it was too late to fix it. "Too late" was always a favorite line of his.

I also had a terrible experience in a special ed school when I was thirteen (sort of like the Judge Rotenberg Center but with restraints and isolation at the drop of a hat instead of electric shocks-- teacher was sort of stalking me, long story, ironically I was there to get help for CPTSD).

When I was eighteen, a vacation with my dad went really much worse than usual, and in hindsight that was a turning point in our relationship. We were in constant shouting matches and his family took his side. TBH it was partly my fault--whenever he did something that I considered over the line, like complaining to my brother about me and vice versa, I confronted him over it and basically told him that he was a terrible parent. He shouted and slammed things, and instead of being calm I joined right in.

He has always implied that I go crazy without my antidepressants (whenever I got upset, he would ask if I had taken them that day, and he would say that he didn't want to be around me if I forgot to take them). That was complete nonsense, because my meds were very slow acting. It would have taken two weeks of cold turkey to begin to make a noticeable difference. But this time I was eighteen, and I responded by taking control of my pills and stating that I was now a legal adult and that he no longer had the right to ask those kinds of questions. He said that if he couldn't keep possession of my pills and monitor whether I was taking them, he would no longer help pay for them. He also said that he wouldn't go on family vacations with me anymore. Later, on the drive home, he threatened to 'crash the car and kill us all' if I didn't stop provoking him. He was always a dangerous driver when he was angry, it wasn't the first time. When we got back I told him that I would no longer go on any long drives with him behind the wheel.

Later that fall I became religious (I'm an Orthodox Jew) and eventually moved to another city, which was another turning point. I've always been sort of lonely, never more than one or two friends, but now that's changed and I have a community. Jewish teachings have been a source of validation and healing for me. My dad isn't happy that I'm religious. He's a militant atheist and wants to do things like eliminating tax exemptions for religious organizations. I try not to step on his toes too much, and he tries not to step on mine, but it's another distance between us. I think he's genuinely hurt that I no longer share his worldview.

That was all three years ago. For a long time I was so grateful for the distance between us (metaphorical and literal) that I didn't question it. Only recently have I notice that it's not just *me* being cool to *him*, but that the opposite is now true. Even when I try to reach out to him, he's cold. On one level I hate him for the things he did to me growing up, back before I could even fight back, but on another level I still love him. He's still my dad, and there's a part of me that still wants his approval and love. He doesn't even get mad at me anymore. He's not as close to my brother, too, and I guess part of the cause is that he's remarried and devotes himself to helping my stepmother care for and train her three dogs. I don't really believe that he's changed, but it still feels like rejection and I have to wonder if it's partly my fault.

I know he always expected me to follow in his footsteps and go to a big-name college before having a brag-worthy career. Instead of which, I dropped out of college during my first semester (for health reasons), became religious and declared that any career I have will be secondary to raising a family and spiritual growth, and now I'm thinking of becoming some kind of medical technician. This to a man who once sneered about the inferiority of professional doctorates vs. researched-focused PhDs. So I'm a disappointment to him on all fronts. Still, I can't believe that he's actually given up on me...

[Blueberry]

Just want to say Welcome to the forum 

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, ChavaSara613! I'm glad you're here, thanks for joining.

[HMSThunderChild]

Thanks!

[ah]

Hi ChavaSara613, welcome!
I know how life saving spirituality can be, so glad you've got that.