Oscen's Journal - trigger warnings (self harm & suicidal thoughts)

[Oscen]

Considering moving from Grey Rock to NC

My lifelong "technique" of dealing with my uNPDM has been grey rock - unintentionally. As the third of four daughters and thus a middle child, I have taken to the role of Lost Child very easily. I never really understood that I was doing grey rock as it wasn't conscious; it just felt natural, because I sensed there was no real bond with me and M and I identified that sharing my feelings did not make me feel better, it made me feel worse, due to invalidation or fear of not having my privacy respected. Even if M tried to comfort me, I knew that it felt put on; not genuine.

Going grey rock from an early age helped me become less enmeshed with M than my sisters, but the downside has been that I struggled to develop meaningful friendships and relationships throughout childhood and my twenties, which in turn, hindered my emotional development and self management. I also wasn't completely free from the parental emotional abuse and neglect. I just assumed that everyone was like my FOO - emotions were shameful things, to deny and hide, and people would use your emotions against you if you revealed them.

I moved to another country 10 years ago and barely have any contact with home - M triangulates everyone, so any contact is basically done through M. Tbh, I scarcely had more contact when I was living in the same city. M never calls to ask how I'm going- we've just never had that sort of relationship.

A few years ago, I realised how dreadful I felt following Skype conversations with M. It was kind of shocking. She's a total emotional/energy vampire, mostly through soliloquising and dumping negativity. There is also a fair bit of sneering, subtle shaming and invalidation, as well. I never, ever realised! I think as a kid and then a young adult, I felt so crappy most of the time, I didn't notice, plus I had no real awareness of my own emotions. I also didn't notice her abusive behaviour as out of the ordinary - that was normal for me.

Recently, I've been thinking I want to move from Grey Rock to No Contact. The little contact that I am having feels like an open door to attack. The last time I skyped Mum, there were a few subtle digs, and I got the impression that there was some subtext there between my sister and dad; she seemed to have said something critical behind my back to them and *seemed* to make a reference about that to them during the conversation. I can't really remember. And yes, it could have been me, being paranoid... but... firstly, it's not paranoia if it's true. I'll never really know as I can't really challenge her in that situation. Secondly and perhaps more importantly, the fact that I feel this worry that I might be undermined by her shows me that whatever the reality is, I do not trust her.

Moving to No Contact feels selfish and indulgent and dramatic - all these things I've been programmed to feel if I go against her wishes. I'm starting to see that it is important not just for my health and sanity, but to bolster my self-trust and decision-making to go through with it, as I want it so much.

The tough choice is, how to go about it. At first, I wanted to be dramatic and "dump" her. Very understandable given the * she's put me through all my life and never taken responsibility for, but I do see now that it would only deepen the bond with her, make me look even worse to anyone else on the periphery, and really just won't achieve anything anyway.

Discreetly blocking her seems so... final, so cold. The thought of that is really tough. If I close off avenues, then I'll really be an orphan once and for all. An orphan with living parents. I can't go through with it just yet. Perhaps it is too dramatic. Low contact may be an option, although I dislike having her emails arriving unpredictably with her little updates on the family, not knowing how to respond to her failing health. Caring terribly, but knowing that reaching out to her will earn me yet another kick in the teeth. It's the little gains that I keep making in my recovery that get knocked back a little each time that really frustrate me. I'm getting stronger, but I think my recovery is very fragile at the moment, like the growth of a little shoot. For years I was locked inside a tiny seed, unable to grow, but that kernel of life was at least protected. Now that I"m opening up and making early progress, I feel more fragile; like there's something worthwhile that can be cut back.

I'm still thinking about it.