Do you want to know why you were chosen as the scapegoat?

[M.R.]

To be safe there could be a trigger in here...I don't go into any real detail so I hope there isn't.


Since I started therapy 9 years ago I have always had the questions of 'why'. And of course one of the questions was why was it all my fault? I have only figured out that question in the last year.

My mother was a very complicated abuser. I heard my mother say how much she wanted a daughter from the time I was born. She already had three sons by the time I came into the picture. But the only problem is that I didn't fit her mold. (My father and his side of the family have really bold features- big lips, unique eyes etc- while my mother and her side of the family have very small features.) I came into this world looking almost identical to my father. And she resented me from the moment she layed eyes on me the first time. From the beginning she started laying down the foundation for the rest of my life.

She started grooming me before I could walk. My father has told me in these past few years how she would always tell him how pretty I was and how "much influence I'll have over men to do what I want them to do". After my father was forced out of the picture, the other part of her plan came to be.

She convinced me and others that all I had going for me was my looks because I was so stupid that I couldn't tell the difference between ugliness and beauty. Meaning I couldn't connect the dots. She treated and got her family and strangers to treat me like I had autism or another disease such as that. So I was a brainless beauty.

And all this lead to everything I was put through and the fact that I had no thought or say in what happened or how it happened. My mother took on the responsibility of deciding for me.

After my whole speal, I guess what I'm trying to say is that I was the blame because I wasn't what she wanted.

Melodie

[RedRat]

It would make sense that they usually pick the smarter, more empathic and hence more dangerous child.
I think in our family at least it was much simpler:
My father (an open narcissist) wanted a child to show his brothers that he is capable of fathering a child. His brothers have been teasing him for years that he was impotent. So when he met my mother he impregnated her immediately and they married in a hurry. Once my mothers pregnancy was visible he lost any interest. My mother (who has a personality disorder herself) decided she wanted a child of her own. "One that was truly hers" as she always loved to say. My dad didn't want another one as he had already proven his virility. So this time she tricked him in to getting another child.
Since my father never showed any interest in us it was my mother who made the rules. So I ended up as the scapegoat and my brother as the golden child.

Like many golden ones he ended up without  a distinct character. He is pretty much a blank slate personality wise and hence got diagnosed as an Asperger autistic. I don't buy that for a second.
He took me in to his flat when I was at the brink of getting homeless. We have only argued once in two years despite the heavy fighting that my mother usually incinerated when we were kids. He is very patient with me when I am depressed or anxious. He doesn't talk much and would never take me in his arms. But he notices very fast when I am upset.  Then he would usually take one of his rats out of the cage and put it on my belly so I would have someone to cuddle. He has also paid some of my debts behind my back and never spoken a word about it. There is no doubt that he is very empathic underneath that seemingly blank surface. Also he is possibly the smarter of the two of us EQ wise. Since his teenager years he straight out refuses to tell our parents anything personal while I still let myself be tricked when our parents show "concern". He has a high intelligence and I believe he is well aware of what is going on even if he can't really point a finger on it.
I am really lucky to have him. Two parents with a personality disorder might have made it harsher when we were children. There was simply no save haven anywhere. But in the end it made it more obvious how dysfunctional our family was. I had the luck of ending up with at least a bit of family and a normal family life and that is possibly more than most others get.
How ever, I would postulate that in our case it was rather random who would be picked for a specific role. It was decided before we were even born.