I got really upset with a friend yesterday *TW*

[Dee]

I have a friend who knows a little of my story.  She knows because I met her in a group that I attended briefly.  The group was for military sexual trauma (MST).  We never went into our stories, it is just understood that if you were there you experienced MST.  At one point she found out my dad abused me.

She has been diagnosed with Borderline.  I never judged.  Yesterday she was feeling sorry for herself but seemed to take it out on me.  She started texting saying there was no hope for her.  I was patient with that.  Then she went on to say she has nothing to show for her life, I reminded her of the things that she had.  Then it became about me. 

She went on to tell me what a wonderful sister my sister is, and how I had her though the years.  She has never met my sister.  I politely said that isn't necessarily true.  My sister was good to me as a kid but left home when I was 9.  Then she went on to say she's been there for me.  I asked her "when?  After my dad confessed and she called me a liar and didn't talk to me."  That to this day she says it never happened and I need to forget about it.  I was so upset I told her if she really wanted to know my story she could look up my dad on the internet and gave her his name.

I wish I hadn't, it was none of her business.  I just got so upset to hear someone dismiss my struggles.  That if someone has a bad day they need to take it out on me by judging me.  She did come back and "sry."

Do I just pretend that she never said these things?  This morning I'm still annoyed that she would make assumptions.  I wish I could of said your right, I'm lucky, my life has been great.  Then maybe it wouldn't of been so bad.

I'm just not sure of what I want to do with this now.

[radical]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

To me, situation screams 'keep away from her'. He behaviour has shown her to be immature and untrustworthy.  You don't need to justify yourself to this person, you should never have been put in the position of feeling any need to.

Anyone who would choose to overwrite the reality of another's experience, particularly in the context of severe abuse, has shown themselves to be extremely untrustworthy.

[Blueberry]

Idk either Dee where you could go with this, my brain is mush. But wanted to let you know I read and I think you did good in telling that friend to stop dismissing your truth, even if you think as afterthought you would rather not have divulged the name. I'm sending good thoughts to you. 

[Three Roses]

 Counter point -

IME friendships have been strengthened and deepened when I've been able to talk about a situation - I've told them they crossed a line and I've clearly redrawn the boundary lines. The ones that overstep again, I sever ties with or put distance between us. I've been on both sides of this, and have felt a lot of love and gratitude when my friends have seen that I wasn't trying to be hurtful, I'm just socially inept. I've also been grateful when they've presented it to me so I could learn from it.

But... you should always do what feels right to you, I'd go with my gut instinct.

[Blueberry]

IME friendships have been strengthened and deepened when I've been able to talk about a situation - I've told them they crossed a line and I've clearly redrawn the boundary lines. The ones that overstep again, I sever ties with or put distance between us. I've been on both sides of this, and have felt a lot of love and gratitude when my friends have seen that I wasn't trying to be hurtful, I'm just socially inept. I've also been grateful when they've presented it to me so I could learn from it.

I've been learning and practising for a while now. My T says it's very important, in my case, to say something and not just 'put up with' again. I imagine that's pretty important for lots of us on here.

[radical]

ThreeRoses,
Generally, I'd be inclined to agree with you, but from what Dee has described this person grossly overstepped and did so in a way that was extremely hurtful.  I probably still would "explain" in this situation, more than I'd prefer, but I hope I get to the point where I don't feel compelled to because I see this situation as the type of condition in which explaining is problematic.  My experience of my family situation is not up for debate.  It might be different with a previously positive, trusting relationship, but from my reading this is not the case here and no such explanation is appropriate.  An immediate boundary in which I politely but firmly make it clear that I'm not prepared to discuss my relationship with my sister, with no explanation about boundaries or anything else seems far more appropriate where someone who is not close is intruding, and doing so passive-aggressively because they are feeling bad about themselves.

[Dee]

Hmmm, I'm still not sure.  She clearly stepped over the line, but I did not enforce the boundary either.  I still really struggle with boundaries even after all the work I have put into it.  I also don't know if I should show more understanding because of her illness. 

I do think the right thing for me to do is tell her how I feel and perhaps go from there.

I am somewhat angry at myself for feeling I had to explain.  I owe her nothing.  I have an obligation to myself to set boundaries better, but I also need to limit time with people who feel like they can run over them. 

[Blueberry]

I'm sure in time, not even that long of a time, you'll know the way you need to take, Dee! I have faith in you. I've seen so much growth and progress in you.