cannot make friends

[CepheidVox]

I can't make friends. I can be coworkers with someone... I'm very polite and kind and people often come to me with their worries and open up to me about their lives. I can open up to them too, but I always feels like I'm tricking them into being around me. When people want to hang out outside of work I just can't do it. I feel strange. I don't like the obligation of friendship, I can't be comfortable knowing someone likes me as a person. I can't believe it. I have my boyfriend who I trust but I can't extend that trust to other people. Does anyone else have this problem? How do you fix it...?

[Libby12]

Hi Cepheidvox.

I know exactly how you feel.  It is something I have always struggled with and never really succeeded for any length of time.  You sum it up so well when you talk of the obligation of friendship.  I am good at chatting superficially but am terrified at even the thought of a deeper connection with people.

I have said many times that I only trust my husband and my children.

I so wish that I had some useful advice for you.  I suspect that I might be quite a bit older than you, so that I find I have just accepted that this is how I am.  I do think, however, that if I had got to grips with this c-ptsd earlier, I would have found myself more able to try out friendship.

I think the key is probably to heal yourself as much as you possibly can. With improved self-esteem and feeling happy with yourself and taking good care of yourself, friendship will hopefully just crop up naturally.  As a child,  I was made fun of for not having friends.   This was at home and at school.   I felt so ashamed. So I don't push myself or make myself feel bad, just accept myself for who I am. I am also grateful for the people I do have.

Sorry that I haven't anything more helpful for you,  but I wanted to say that I really relate to what you wrote,  and that I hope others here have some better insights.  But above all, don't put yourself down about this, especially as you have friends here.

Best wishes,

Libby

[Piou]

Yeah, I get you.

As a child, I felt so self-conscious about this too. Now, as Libby said, I try not to put so much pressure on myself, not to force it because then I'll  be the one who suffers (pretending is tiring I have learned).

[Rainagain]

Hi cepheidvox,
I feel the same, friendships are troubling for me too, I don't trust and I find social contact very tiring as well as a bit awkward and uncomfortable.
I don't find it something that bothers me as much as it should-but I'm 54 and quite withdrawn. Building self esteem would probably be key for me I think, if I believed people in social situations were fortunate to have my company I would probably feel more relaxed?
I have used alcohol to take the edge off social situations. Big mistake.

[integrity]

I have the same thing. I guess it is part of the cptsd. We learn its safer not to trust and to only be positive all the time, then this becomes problematic later.
I get very depressed about it lately. But I think Libby's advice is really good. I actually do have a few awesome friends and I should be grateful for them. Not everyone has to be my friend - I have a people pleasing thing going on so sometimes I feel like everyone has to love me, but that's impossible for anyone.
Thanks for posting this. We're not alone