Melere here!

[melere]

TW: Brief description of emotional abuse, and some about suicidal thoughts.

Hello all!

I came across the term C-PTSD recently and I was blown away. Reading about it and how other people experience it, I was just like, "I could have written this!" for the first time in my life. One of my bad anxiety habits is to search the Internet for info/reassurance when I was experiencing mental unpleasantness. What's this coping mechanism? What's this? What's that? Is this a disorder? And so on. Only I'd hit the personality disorders now and again and then be absolutely terrified I had them, even though I didn't think they described me at all. So I'd be like, it's sort of BPD, but not really. Sort of PTSD, but not really. Sort of GAD, but is it really?  . . .

Since I was twelve, I've had depression on and off (it's now strictly seasonal for the most part) and anxiety really started to kick in hard when I was fifteen. It was actually so bad at first that I entered some weird dissociative state in which I had memory problems in the realm of "I can't remember what happened this morning" and "I can't recall any long-term memory" and had other cognitive problems. This lasted for three years until I finally broke out somehow. I seemed to be making good progress with both the anxiety and depression until I realized how many things in life I wanted, but avoided, due to anxiety/distressing feelings that would come up, like dating, having close friends, driving; even writing, which I love, has been tainted by my persistent dread--I used to be able to do it for hours a day but almost don't even touch it now out of, ironically, the fear of not wanting to do it or discovering it's terrible.

As for the family: I was homeschooled (hoo boy) with two older siblings and my little sister, who is eight years my junior. Dad was the totalitarian ruler; Mom was the emotionally unavailable codependent. Us kids got the blame when they were stressed, and got put down and/or punished when experiencing negative emotions (even unrelated to them). M/D are fairly self-absorbed and doled out about equal amounts of emotional abuse/neglect, with the occasional lies/manipulation sprinkled in. A couple of my favourite examples are:

1) My older sister was hurting herself/on the verge of suicide at age 16. My parents found out, and promptly grounded her, made her quit her job, stop seeing her friends, and could no longer use the computer.
2) When my anxiety started I had a persistent sense I was about to die soon. I unfortunately told my mother about my extreme distress, my one hope at the time for some comfort (for some reason). She awkwardly told me it was PMS and never brought it up again or questioned the ensuing erratic behaviour, including my development of disordered eating.

Since I spent most of the time in the country, in my teens living isolated without friends, it was difficult when I moved out at nineteen and started working in retail, because that's when all the troublesome relationship problems really came out of the woodwork--I didn't even know how to have a conversation with people, much less emote rationally.

For years, I felt so ashamed of my "meltdowns." I didn't understand why I couldn't be sad or mad like other people--I'd get absolutely hysterical every time. And as I was sensitive, it happened at least a couple of times a week; CBT (started two years ago) toned it down to about once a month, until no amount of rationality could hold back the floodgates. I couldn't explain why I felt fine-ish most of the time, then to be hit, in circumstances bearing any resemblance to childhood trauma, with a deluge of rage, despair, and suicidal thoughts. I think the latter was the most confusing of all--because it was so incongruent with how I felt about living.

But, I think after a particularly rough week in which, for the first time ever, I actually considered doing something--I get real triggered by getting medical help and I was trying to get a psychiatrist AND a therapist and nothing was panning out--I realized the suicidal urge was felt, in some part of my brain, to be the only defence I had left; that I couldn't change the situation any other way. I usually think of it in terms of "Do it and people will realize they hurt you/miss you/loved you/you weren't terrible" and now I see how sad it is that some part of me believes the only way I can get those basic things from people/my family is by not existing.

I felt incredibly relieved when I stumbled across emotional flashbacks because finally, I could not only explain what I was experiencing (and it was not due to some flaw in willpower or personal integrity), and that others experienced the same thing, too. Unfortunately it's a slippery slope in which flashbacks trigger suicidal thoughts, which trigger more flashbacks, and the cycle just seems to go on forever, unless I numb out. But it's a step forward and I've been getting better about releasing steam without going nuclear--so I have good hopes for the sadness side of things.

I am not diagnosed CPTSD obviously but I should be on the road to it. I feel so much better knowing I'm not alone and I can get better. Not sure how this got so long but I really look forward to getting to know you all!

[Dee]

Welcome!  I'm looking forward to getting to know you better too.

[Blueberry]

Welcome 

I'm sorry I'm not in a fit state to read your introduction atm, but I'll be glad to get to know you when I'm feeling better. This is a very supportive place though! I hope you begin to feel supported and get lots of good information.

[goth_mike]

Welcome from me also!

I hear you loud and clear, having recently found the same relief of actually knowing why the occasional "meltdown" happens.  It's certainly good to know that it is caused by an injury rather than some inherent defect, and can be sorted out!  This morning I woke up terrified, but it was comforting to know why, which in turn helped me to face and then dissolve the fear (it had been caused by a dream I was having regarding past events).  Previously I would have spent the day becoming "scared of being scared" (if that makes any sense) until I could no longer function.  So even knowing what's going on can lead to progress.

Like yourself, I have done regular online "search binges" finding various possibilities, however that search can end as CPSTD seems to describe my experiences with 100% accuracy!  Wishing you good luck on your path to recovery.

[sanmagic7]

welcome, melere.  very glad you're here.

look around, post when you feel like it, and be kind to yourself.  we're all in this together.   sending a hug, if that's ok   

[melere]

Thanks Dee and sanmagic!  Don't sweat it, Blueberry!

I hear you loud and clear, having recently found the same relief of actually knowing why the occasional "meltdown" happens.  It's certainly good to know that it is caused by an injury rather than some inherent defect, and can be sorted out!  This morning I woke up terrified, but it was comforting to know why, which in turn helped me to face and then dissolve the fear (it had been caused by a dream I was having regarding past events).  Previously I would have spent the day becoming "scared of being scared" (if that makes any sense) until I could no longer function.  So even knowing what's going on can lead to progress.

Like yourself, I have done regular online "search binges" finding various possibilities, however that search can end as CPSTD seems to describe my experiences with 100% accuracy!  Wishing you good luck on your path to recovery.

Are we twins? I woke up the same this morning! I just felt awful. I can't even remember what I was dreaming, but I felt gross for ages.

I am well versed in "scared of being scared." It used to haunt me for years but did become more sporadic with time. The only way I shook myself out of the habit was one day I realized that it was kind of hilarious in a way, started laughing like a maniac, and "put the blinders on" until I got absorbed in other activities. I am not a great practitioner of that, however, and still have areas in my life where it creeps up (like being afraid that I will be too afraid of insomnia to sleep) and I have GAD, so I am one to talk! Anyway, I feel you on that one and I am rooting for both of us. I hope you're feeling better now!

[Andyman73]

Hello and welcome to the family!!! You been expected and we've saved a spot just for you. See....you've already settled in. Safe  if okay.