Letter to my M - not to send.

[Hope67]

So you've blind-sided me today with the card that arrived in the post.  I wasn't expecting to hear anything from you, and then to get a card that was to a 'Daughter' and which appeared to be one that reminisced about the love a parent has for a young child - and showed a picture of a young girl, probably about 5 or 6 years old. 

My partner said to me - that's like she's abdicating any knowledge of anything that's gone on over the past years - ignoring the fact we're estranged for several years now, and ignoring the fact that anything at all is wrong.  Pretending it's all ok?  I don't know what your intention was in sending it to me, but when I opened it and read the long verses of the contents - which were reminiscing about loving feelings, I thought that you must be in some kind of dissociative bubble yourself, and unable to process the truth of the situation.

Interesting that my reactions were such that I felt faint and dissociated myself for a few moments, and another part of me seemed curious about receiving a card from M, but a greater part of me actually made me laugh out loud, as it seemed incredulous.  I can't take it seriously.  Yet I am also sad for you.  Part of me was also relieved that you signed it from yourself and F - so basically I know that you're both healthy and alive still - or at least alive.  Even though I can't tolerate contact with you, I don't wish either of you any ill-health or difficulties. 

You didn't include my partner's name on the card, so it was purely to me, and that hurt to think that you've just erased his name, and not acknowledged him, but the fact that the card was basically focusing on a very little girl, makes me think that you're missing that controlled little girl that I used to be, and that you dislike the changes that have happened as I've grown and finally broken away from being smothered and controlled.  Getting free.

Parts of me now feel both pushed and pulled at the same time, and want to throw me into more comfort eating, which I had already been doing over this month, as more social events have been happening, and I was trying to cope with those.  I was doing ok!  But getting this card unexpectedly - it does throw me off a bit, off kilter - but I am not going to let it upset me too much - you chose to send it.  I opened it.  I read it.  I've reacted to it at some levels, and I'm writing this to try to at least get some feelings out - and that feels good.

If anyone is reading this, I welcome any thoughts you have on it - the fact is that I wrote when I decided to go NC (no contact) that I didn't want to have any further contact, and that includes cards - you'd finally complied with this for the past couple of years, but now to get this card out of the blue, it is a transgression, but I will just put it aside and hopefully move on from it.

Yet I do have feelings of sadness reacting to it too - because I am grieving losses of the relationship, but I don't want to re-connect as I don't feel any positive things could come of that.  It's been a tough road to travel, being estranged, but at the same time it's been a way to finally get some freedom and some agency of my own - to begin to work on myself and understand the different parts that make up my personality and my sense of integrity.  I am damaged by many things that happened in the past and by the lack of honesty and all the lies you told me when I was a child - so many things.  Also, I didn't tell you some things that happened to me - but I think you knew about them deep down.  You didn't want to know about things, and you closed your eyes to things.

Hope

[Blueberry]

Dear Hope,

I've just read this. What shines in it is your strength! It's palpable for me. Wow! Like a new Hope, new person. I presume you're much more in your Adult strength than you used to be. I feel real joy at seeing/sensing this change in you. Way to go!

As for your M's behaviour: it sounds like the normal Narc stuff - ignoring and transgressing boundaries. Trying again a few years later

You show compassion for your parents - you're sad for your M, you don't wish any ill on your parents - but you're not losing yourself in the process. You didn't write anything about possibly not making sense the way you used to.  btw you make perfect sense here.

I'm really sorry your M did that, that you got blind-sided. This time of year can be hard enough as it is. 

[Hope67]

Dear Blueberry,
Thank you so much - your response and comments to what I wrote - and your observations about my expressions from my parts is really helpful and validating, and I appreciate it very much.   It has helped me also to hear that you don't feel I'm losing myself in the process of reacting to the card - and I agree with that - I feel like I've maintained my own boundaries.  I know that receiving something like this would have affected me far more in previous years, and I must be stronger now, in many ways.  So I'm grateful for that.
to you, Blueberry.
Hope 

[Not Alone]

Hope,
Read your letter.  I see your strength and tenderness.

[Hope67]

Thank you notalone, 
Hope