Hi, I am Kim

[KAF]

I am alone, on purpose, and trying to establish my safety for the first time in years.  To do this I had to leave my daughter with her father.  I am told I suffer from Cptsd.  I had a brother who abused me and eventually tried to kill me...a mother we thought it was ok...a father that protected me but hurt everyone else.  I got safe and lived away, had a life, a happy happy life.  Then my father died...and as the family member who had a "normal successful life" I returned to the storm to deal with my chronically ill mother and it destroyed everything about me and blew my happy family apart over the last seven years.  I got to a safe place in February....but I can't stop the dread and inciting chaos when there does not need to be such. There is no end...and I am told that I feel this because of the CPTSD.  So I am learning...and so scared so often.  The thing I am most scared, is myself.

[Badmemories]

Welcome Kim. I hope You find things on the Forum to help You! We all have difficulties with our families. Reading and Following links has helped me get (or at least work MY way out of) a major depression. I hope this Forum helps You as much as it has helped me!

Our sister site Out Of the Fog is also very helpful in learning how to Work with the PEOPLE in our lives that drive us crazy! Have You been to that site? They are both helpful to work out our problems!

If You are not aware of Out of the Fog here is the link

http://outofthefog.net/forum/

[Kizzie]

HI and welcome to OOTS Kim!  As BadMemories suggests we do have a sister site called Out of the FOG where there is a lot of great info and support for dealing with personality disordered behaviours that you may find really useful.  Half of the journey to health is figuring out the behaviour of our PD family members  and how to manage them, and the other is figuring out what to do about the effects it had on us. 

I'm sorry to hear of all that you have gone through, especially having your life turned upside down again.  It sounds like you have been triggered into emotional flashbacks (EFs) by your exposure to them again and EFs are a common symptoms of CPTSD unfortunately.  We are slowing gathering resources here (we are a brand new site), but have a look through the forums and let us know if you have any questions - there is info on what EFs are and how to manage them in the "Recovery" forum.

Glad you found your way here 

[pam]

Hi Kim. It sounds like you are trying to re-establish healthy boundaries between your self and others. Especially unhealthy others. That's really good. You have to take care of yourself and only allow into your life what you can handle. Strengthening your boundaries will help you be a stronger person who can handle more or say "no" to people when you need to.

If it makes you feel better, I have a grandmother who is still alive at 94 and I have nothing to do with her. Or her son. They are toxic and I literally had nothing to lose by distancing myself, I only gained a stronger me.

I do hope you can get your own family back together and happy again!

[Badmemories]

Is t it amazing how a dysfunctional family can ROCK our worlds! You are in the right spot here feel free to open up and post whatever you want. We are a small group now. I think that is great to be involved in the beginning. Easy to get to know each other!

[Butterfly]

It's sad that your dealing with your FOO destroyed your FOC and I hope you're able to heal.

[KAF]

Thanks to all your responses.  I am not one who opens up on this topic without great difficulty.  I only became public with my condition as a result of recognizing that it was impairing my ability to meet the emotional needs of my much adored daughter.  During EFs I found myself sounding like my mother...and I cannot do that to my girl, who is ten.  That and other symptoms brought forth events that as hard and frightening as they are, have brought awareness and lifted denial.  So I am now on the first step of a long trail to recover...I have so little support with enforced boundaries to render me safe.  I came to this site to learn, understand and find some support.  All the posts are like a mirror of understanding.  So I will be reading...maybe sometimes sharing.  Starting over...again.

[Kizzie]

Sorry KAF, we don't have a smilie for hugs yet so this will have to do  {{{Hugs}}}