An observation about friends over time.

[Rainagain]

Just a thought.

When I was younger and healthier emotionally I had lots of friends who were really interesting, dynamic and great to be around.

Now that I am cptsd unwell I seem to have a lot of people around me who are needy, fragile and cause me stress in some way.

Not sure if like attracts like, if I'm too empathic these days so end up being drawn into stuff or what is going on really.

I have changed for the worse over my lifetime, and so have the sorts of people I have as friends or acquaintances.

Not sure if how I see things is accurate, thought I would comment on it to see if it makes any sense.

[woodsgnome]

I think the twist in this might be the heightened sensitivity that seems to come with understanding cptsd more. Paradoxical but seems like that could be a factor in changing the sort of friendships that develop.

[radical]

Looking back on my life, both what you and WG have said (if I understand you correctly), applies.

I was going through my files and came upon many letters from the distant past, before my cPTSD became overwhelming and chronic, before I was retraumatised so disastrously.  What I found was warm letters from people I had lost touch with, people who were so much more mentally healthy and kinder and more respectful of me than the people I clung to afterwards.  I felt sad and angry at myself, because most of the later letters had gone unanswered as I spiralled downwards.  I didn't feel worthy and I had been so betrayed in the retraumatising events that I had lost all trust in myself.  I didn't want to be hurt. I didn't feel I could take it.  I couldn't believe that such people would want to know the person I had become, or saw myself as being.

That was when I became so much more co-dependent.  I was more drawn to 'being needed' and towards people who didn't see me,  because I was afraid and ashamed.  The blindness closed over like clouds in a storm.  I held tight to the only relationships I felt safe in, and that was part of a downward spiral too.  I'd always had strong 'fawn' tendencies, they were always a big part of me, but they took over, as my self-respect bottomed-out.

This all led to what now seems like an inevitable conclusion.  Unhealthy relationships fed my depression and self-hatred, and also my desire to withdraw.  I became a self-annihilating shell.  I became grateful to anyone who took the time to wipe their feet on me.  And I completely crashed when all the chickens came home to roost, just as I was trying to reach out to healthier others.

It's not that I blame myself for the abuse that ensued, it's that when a target was required, it was natural that the person would choose me because the other people involved were nowhere near as vulnerable, and unable to defend themselves.  What happened was unbelievably cruel.

I don't know if it is just 'like attracts like', though that is part of it.  I don't know that I was capable of trust and of taking risks after the retraumatisiation 25 years ago.  I was too wounded.  I had no energy and no self-trust, there was certainly no vitality left and a lot of what I seemed to operate on was fear and avoidance. 

But it is also true that healthy people are generally getting on with their lives of doing things, if you are unable to, it is way less likely that paths will cross and if they do there is an invisibility that goes with suffering.  It can block out a person's light.

After the more recent events, being suicidal meant my motto was able to be 'risk everything'.  I didn't have anything to lose anymore.

I'm glad I found my way here amongst the maelstrom.

edited because a sentence didn't make sense

[Rainagain]

Thank you for your replies.

You both recognise exactly what I have noticed.

Its another part of the puzzle for me.

Radical, I could have written your post about myself, if I was better at expressing things that is!

Another potential observation based on your posts is that healthy people do stuff but I seem to think about doing stuff without actually getting anywhere. Too reflective. Too hesitant