Elpha's Adventure pt. 4

[Sceal]

Glad that you have a new therapist that you get along well with and that your old T is helping with the transitional period.

I don't have many words today, but I just wanted to say you sound like you know what's what in your life right now, that you have an awareness. I hope you find that it's a good thing.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both for the responses. I apologize for not coming back sooner... life is super busy and hectic right now.    I am feeling less heavy about the anniversary as I am having to go back to life functioning in a way that I can't do with that weight fully. I do feel as if I am completely exhausted all the time.  I have therapy on Thursday but that feels ages away still. I was reminded of what my life is kinda like lately when I saw a post and really needed to reflect on it... It said something along the line of "just because someone carries the weight well does not mean it isn't heavy". This felt so true to my life right now. The weight of everything I am doing and experiencing is so extremely heavy. I am carrying it with as much grace and strength as I can, which generally comes off as I have it together and am so strong etc... reflecting on the fact that just because I come off as such or can carry it well does not mean the weight is any less valid or heavy.

I carry a heavy emotional weight with my trauma. As a student, I carry the weight of school expectations and pressures. As a future practitioner (and one that is practicing currently), I carry the weight of my clients to a small extent and the need to ensure I am as competent and helpful as possible. I carry the hope and inspiration that others expect from me. Not to mention the things I carry for myself and those close to me. It is a lot of weight and it has been extremely heavy recently (even though I have put things down as much as I can)...

I guess all this to say, I am glad to have seen that quote when I needed it. Sometimes I forget that the fact I can carry the weight well and keep going does not mean that it is not heavy or important.

So this represents what I feel even if it is not what it looks like from day to day:

[sanmagic7]

i so hear you, el.  right beside you, holding your hand.  maybe we can help share that heaviness.  sometimes, like tonite, it feels like more than i can bear, even tho i look and speak like nothing out of the ordinary is churning inside.

that's a great quote, and i'm glad you wrote it here.  i want to carry that one with me in my pocket everywhere i go. 

with you all the way.  love and hugs, always.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for responding San  I think we can share the weight sometimes too. Maybe together it isn't so heavy?

I am glad I could share a quote that resonated so strongly with you as well! Always happy to hear that.

Sending you lots of love and reminding you that ems is always there as well to help carry this weight during the difficult times. 

[Not Alone]

That is a lot of weight and it is significant and important. You are important. What you are feeling and dealing with is important.

[Elphanigh]

Reading that made me nearly cry  Thank you, Notalone. I needed to hear those words so much. It is so hard to feel heard and important right now. Kinds like the people in my life don't always respect just how heavy this is and it feels lonely.

[sanmagic7]

we're here with you, el, even when you're feeling lonely.  as i was told by another member, we've got you.  love always

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear  I am always grateful that you, and others here, have my back even when I feel lonely. I really do think I am just burnt out on some level which is difficult to keep working through. I will continue to do so, even if it is hard though. I know all of this will pass eventually, however, it is taking a large toll atm. I get to go visit a friend of mine next weekend which should give me a good deal of relief as far as the stress that comes with being in this space. For now, I have to recognize I am grateful for a lot of the things that are also draining me. It is a really counterintuitive sort of thing but that's okay.

[sanmagic7]

are you doing too much?  just being concerned.  i know you have school and work and various other activities - is there something you could back off a little for a while?  i'm glad for you that you're getting a weekend with a friend, and i truly do hope that helps.  sometimes that's exactly what we need.

sending love and a hug filled with stress reliever, perhaps some lavender spray to enfold you and allow some of the stress to be released into the universe!   

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for being concerned, it means a ton. 

Short answer is yes I am doing too much, and no there is nothing I can back off on. I stepped away from the only things that I could already. This semester is like a perpetual * week for 4 months because the hours they require of us. Sadly, I cant back my work hours down any outside of school right now because of finances.

The few days out of town will do a lot, but honestly I will just need to push past until the semester is done.

I love your hugs, especially filled with stress relief ❤