not liking my 11-13 year old self

[Dee]

My therapy assignment was to write to my 11-13 year old self.  It could be observations and I could rename her.  I was also to find her strengths if I could.

I don't really have compassion for her.  I can't seem to find it.  All I see is a little girl, trying to be grown-up, in all the wrong ways.  I have no doubt that I looked ridiculous.  I was tiny, far below average height and weight.  So here is this kid, that looks at least two years younger, wearing too much make-up and trying to make kid's clothes look sexy.

The strengths I found was managing to be average in school while sleeping through it and not doing homework or studying.  The other one was I use to write poems, and lots of them about what was going on.  I was worried about them being discovered so I would memorize them and then destroy the evidence.  I still have some memorized from the age of 11.

I wish I could go back in time and tell her to get with it.  Stop wearing the make-up and dress more appropriately.  To stop being so fake physically and socially.  Oh, and apply yourself.

[Three Roses]

Can I take a look at that young girl?

I see a girl trying to grow up. She's rushing things, trying to be what she thinks a grown up is, so maybe the abuse will stop. Maybe she'll be able to defend herself, when she's a grown up. She sure hopes so.

I see a girl trying to fit in. The other girls around her dress and act a certain way, so she's pretty sure she should too. No one's told her what to do or how to be a young lady. No one told her the other girls are all lost and clueless, too.

I see a young girl overworked and strained to the breaking point. She's awake at night, listening and watching, and school is a safe place to doze off. Her busy mind is filled with images she'd much rather forget, and it's hard to concentrate on what's in front of her. She cares how others see her, and she doesn't want to be seen at all.

I see a young girl, abandoned, sacrificed and scapegoated. I would love to meet her. She's creative, intelligent, poetic, sensitive, and I'll bet she has a wicked sense of humor! I like her, she's a lot like my young girl, too.

[Rainydaze]

Everything Three Roses said. I think your 11-13 year old self is a resourceful little girl whose caregivers have failed in giving her enough love and support to nurture her talents. So many would have given up but this girl has the strength to turn up at school (that in itself is an achievement!) and to write poetry and be able to memorize it even through all the stress she is unfairly experiencing. I know how hard it is to see the positives when we self-analyse though. I think you've done really well to attempt to connect to your inner child, Dee, it's incredibly daunting and not at all easy.

[Blueberry]

Everything Three Roses said. I think your 11-13 year old self is a resourceful little girl whose caregivers have failed in giving her enough love and support to nurture her talents. So many would have given up but this girl has the strength to turn up at school (that in itself is an achievement!) and to write poetry and be able to memorize it even through all the stress she is unfairly experiencing. I know how hard it is to see the positives when we self-analyse though. I think you've done really well to attempt to connect to your inner child, Dee, it's incredibly daunting and not at all easy.

[Dee]

Thank you.  I am still working on these connections.  Somehow working with the 11-13 year old jumped to the 17 year old.  This has been so hard.  Still, I'm doing it and some things have gotten better.  The other day I realized I was thinking a corrective thought.