Silvers Recovery Journal 1*TRIGGER WARNING!!!!*

[sanmagic7]

o, silver, there sounds like so much wrong on so many levels, starting with that relationship.  i don't know how closely you've looked at that, but, as you can see, the mod labeled a warning for domestic violence.  those things should never have happened to you.

and, then, the cops and how they treated you, and how you were treated at the hospital, all of it.  it is complicated, as you said, and i hope you will be able to begin sorting thru it with self-care uppermost as a priority.  yes, a silver lining in that they found something that is treatable, and may be a big help to you to have it regulated. 

sending a warm hug filled with strength and clarity to you.

[silver_lining]

Hi sanmagic, I would agree. MY relationship, is not healthy, and yet I'm so confused...

Starting to to begin to question my own sanity though, he told me I'm just delusional/crazy... my mind says one way - his interpretation is completely opposite. I just... don't know, because I DO get disregulated, can't calm myself - but environment is a factor and the control he has definitely compounds my effects.
Merry Christmas everyone.
I hope today we got the opportunity rot at least be grateful for the little things in life.

For me, greatful I am. But in my heart of hearts saddened, confused, and just want a hug - (still am practicing self soothing) which for some reason is so hard for me to do, its hard for me to feel love for myself, or hug myself and feel calmness,  rather than another person hugging me which seems to calm me pretty quickly, of course depending on the person.

Today, Its christmas... Today for me though, this year, its so much more. Today is also nearing the end of the year - which  for me, was the longest (fastest) & worst year of my life - Processing of trauma is tough, and for me this year I handled it by coping maladaptively, using drugs, disassociating, aiding, doubting, and scaring the completely * out of myself - Failing in school, failing relationships, lack of complete work ethic that before this process, I had hope. I had belief in my ability to rise above despite how I was raised and then I refuted back to my old ways...

Here I am, feeling like I've woken up while I just watched 'myself' be a passing tornado that screwed up all my domains of life that I worked years to build myself up to. I'm grieving this year, all my losses and really feeling all of myself. I am not proud of how i've acted, and am trying to not allow myself feel swollen up by the toxic shame I feel inside for behaving the way I have. I want to move forward, but I'm scared, scared of myself.

Scared of the world, scared of failing, scared of ending up like them...

But I guess thats whats also fueling me at the same time - call it ego - or call it strength, but I promised myself 5 years ago, when I got sober that I wouldn't end up like my family, I wouldn't perpetuate the cycle, I would and was the first one to go to college...
Waking up from the wake of my own undoing - realizing the reconditioning I need to do to build myself up - is a lot. I feel true grief and compassion all at the same time.

I miss my family, I miss my brother, I miss the feeling of safety when i thought my dysfunctional family, was, normal, and so I wasn't scarred of everything. Now I see, and can remember what it felt like ever so slightly to have belief in my abilities and will work from there.

I never do the whole new year resolution thing, but I feel this year I really need to just hit the, pause, or restart button, and give life another try. Give myself a chance to do better and be better for myself, and for my family - I want to prove them wrong, I want to rise above -
So starting tomorrow, not in the new year, I want to make a commitment to commit to myself. To actually practice self compassion, self love, self esteem. Have belief in myself, make a list of goals, break down that list even more, and start taking the steps to better myself. Starting with sobriety, I know in my heart i'm at my best when clear minded and not using to 'cope'. I can and have done it before. Eating, and gaining a healthier relationship with food, exercising because my body is really starting to feel the effect I've caused myself in this last year by not taking care of my fundamental needs. Committing myself to better my boundaries, and speak for what I want, or feel what I feel as if it is ok, and not feel shamed by myself.

This, is something I truly want for myself. I miss having myself as my safety net and want to gain that back.

I hope I can read this in times of weakness and use this as a reminder to continue for what I WANT not what I 'feel' I don't deserve or can't do.
I got diagnosed with thyroid irregularities  today and need to improve my life and habits greatly so I can BE - Me.

Happy Christmas :group hug:

Silver

[DecimalRocket]

It's a brave thing to consider something like that, Silver. It's easy to be brave when your life is in pieces — a stable job, genuine relationships, enough leisure, a meaningful service or a good enough childhood — but to be brave when everything has gone to * is really something.

Some people have what they call a wake up call — that motivates themselves to drive them out of their life. It's easy to stay stagnant in life rather than growing when things are going fine — but it's things like this that really test your limits.

Next year will probably be another long ardous year. Progress doesn't happen in a day. A year is just a human concept — ancient hunter and gatherers didn't have calendars on their cave walls. It's strange. We only think of how things change when the new year comes and we think of the big changes in the last year. But in truth, we change every week, every day, every minute and every second. Slowly, but surely.

There's hope even in times like this.

Because the most important value of the world is still there — it's time, the ability to learn and change.

I wish you use the time for the best.

[sanmagic7]

holy crap, honey.  you just found out you have cancer!  my heart and soul, what a totally screwed up christmas 'gift' to get.  is there a medical plan in place yet?  i think your commitment to yourself is excellent, grade a healthy, and will go far with helping you with this diagnosis and subsequent healing.

i was struck dumb when i read that sentence that you so nonchalantly added near the end of your entry.  i read it several times to make sure i'd read it correctly.

silver, all i can say is that as a cancer patient myself this year, i'm with you all the way with whatever you have to go thru to rid your body of this.  no wonder there has been deregulation within your body's systems - plus, your body and brain have been fighting, battling this for who knows how long.  that hospitalization seems to have had a silver lining indeed.

as far as your perceptions of things, i don't know that they are simply to be invalidated by saying you're delusional.  i don't believe for a minute you're going insane.  i do believe you're getting faulty feedback.  someone who has our best interests at heart do not tell us those kinds of things when we offer an opinion.   instead, they will gently and kindly explore why we feel/think the way we do, and do so with understanding and acceptance.  they don't dismiss our beliefs out of hand.

i commend you on your newfound commitment to yourself, and stand with you on it.  that is not the workings of insanity, but of healthy clarity and knowledge of what needs to be done that is best for you.  starting now is a good thing.  you will not end up like 'them', even tho you may have fallen back a few steps this past year.  we all do it at times, so please don't beat yourself up for it. 

sending a big hug filled with peace, healing, and love.