struggling

[chiraheally]

Hi Everyone. 

Despite minimising my trauma in comparison to many of yours, I still identify with CPTSD and therefore give myself the right to belong here.  Each time I read a post, I feel deep compassion and love for the warriors here who demonstrate so much wisdom and insight and honesty and generosity to each other.  I feel inspired to aspire to this level of communication.

I am so grateful to the blessed person from Ootf who first quieried whether i could be CPTSD and (not PD like I feared ) which led to me buy the book, leave my uPD husband and try to rebuild my life again piece by piece while parenting my rather demanding 4-y.o daughter mostly alone (well, not technically as ex-H sees her twice a week).  Pete walker's book is the most helpful book I possess.  I have learnt not to open it if I am not up to crying.  Since then I have learnt that PD is the extreme end of the sprectrum I am on and I do not need to further demonise the PD's in my life nor the parts of me that identify with some of their traits.  I have not, however, fully managed to do this yet.

My uNPD father was here last week visiting.  Two days later I am feeling such a deep self hatred despite knowing all i have learnt.  I was hoovered back in so completely that I am shocked at how little my knowledge helped.  The trigger was that he gave me money which i so desperately took for love that he was able to reel me in and proceed to systematically dismantle every little bit of self I had managed to build up between seeing him last.  I did have a lot of instances of standing my ground but on the whole, he won.  he got bigger.  i got smaller.  **** him.  hope he never comes again.  I would like to go NC but not there yet.  Am hoping he dies soon so that i can weave a fantasy around him and remember the "good" things.  hope that doesn't sound too horrible, sorry if it does.  Hate myself for accepting his money and bitching about him behind his back.  hate myself.  hate him.  hate everything right now.

sorry to sound negative.  truth is there is a lot to be grateful for.  just having a bad day, i think.  i must admit it helps to just be honest and write the words above but am hoping no one takes them too seriously.  my T gives me fortnightly appointments and I need more.   I need to vent.  I need to cry on someone's shoulder.  But there is no one.  I have never been so isolated in my life. (boo hoo!

overheard daughter tell ex-H that she didn't know if i loved her.  sword wounds in my heart.  worst fear i have is to be emotionally unavailable to her.  hope i course correct soon.

So, nice to meet you all on this day of flashback into the no-right-to-exist feelings. 

looking forward to reading how life is treating you too!  Thanks for letting me share, it really helps.

foggy, stormy and hopefully healing,

Chira (I am already attached to this pseudonym)

[Whobuddy]

sorry to sound negative.  truth is there is a lot to be grateful for.  just having a bad day, i think.  i must admit it helps to just be honest and write the words above but am hoping no one takes them too seriously.  my T gives me fortnightly appointments and I need more.   I need to vent.  I need to cry on someone's shoulder.  But there is no one.  I have never been so isolated in my life. (boo hoo!

You are in the right place, OOTS I mean. You are not alone now. People here send hugs like this    and they are sincerely helpful and concerned about you. Crying is good. Grieving is good.  You are not alone.

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Chira, and welcome! You sound like you had a truly awful day followed by a truly awful flashback. Sorry to hear it. I hope things look sunnier soon.

As for your daughter - I've got two kids of my own, and when they're four, sometimes words don't quite mean what the kid thinks they mean. I hope I'm not minimizing your pain. Hearing that must have been so painful. But there is a chance that she simply expressed herself in a wonky way. My own kid hates me regularly - whenever she is dead set on playing her favourite computer game before she's done her homework, mostly. It's a bit of a kick in the gut, if I'm honest. But it passes over. I noticed that it happens whenever she's feeling unbalanced and out of whack from other stuff in her life.

I mention this because your separation probably meant that she went through quite a few changes. Now, I've no idea what your child is like, but if mine were in that situation, she'd be irritable and sad and worried. She might even think that all the not-living-with-each-other-anymore that's been happening might also happen to her. (Both of mine were like that. The radio news mentioned war, they worried it might happen in our town. Someone mentioned that someone else died, my kids worried about their own deaths.) So she'd say something like that even if I showed her just as much love as ever. Maybe your daughter was simply having a moment where the fearfulness overwhelmed her a bit. And four-years-old being what they are, they often express things in a roundabout way. Like "my foot hurts" can mean any pain at all, even toothache. And so maybe "I'm not sure that Mum loves me" might mean something like "I need to be extra sure we'll always stay together, she and I, and recent events have made me realize that separations are at all possible so now I'm in a bit of a tizz, so please, Dad, calm me down". The point is, this might mean all sorts of things. With little kids, what we think is the obvious meaning isn't necessarily the intended meaning.

And Whobuddy is right - there's no need to put a brave face to things. I mean, you can if you want to. But there's a good chance that, for most problems or difficult feelings, there's someone here who's gone through something similar. You're definitely not alone.

[Trees]

Welcome Chira,

I also had a parent who thought money was an adequate substitute for love.  Fortunately she is dead now (and, yes! it has taken a long time for me to be able to say what a relief that is). 

When I agonized over having accepted the money, my therapist said it was the very least that the parent could have done to compensate for the absence of love from her, not to even mention all the other damage.

So now, though I understand your anguish over the money,  I'd like to suggest that you take the money and run!!!  All the money, every little penny, you deserve it all, girl!!!!

I am so glad you are here with us.       Trees                     

[Kizzie]

Hi  Chira  : You definitely belong here - all abuse is soul damaging and it's why we relate so well to one another.  There may be differences in the type and amount of abuse we experienced but if it was ongoing and we felt we could not escape, we end up here with the same core wound,  an injured psyche and little sense of self and safety in the world.

I am so sorry you shot back into that black hole of self-hatred    My NPDM could send me to the depths of * in a flash, the worst EF's I felt like I'd never come out of because that's how traumatizing our abusers were to us as children and how we react to them still.  There is a little kid hiding in the dark in us that they can still get to until we let her out to cry and be angry and finally to heal just as you instinctively know you need to   

And here you can!  We all get it, none of us will ever say you are being weak or childish because you're not and we know that with every fibre of our beings.  My M came for a visit last June and for the first time ever I did not have an EF because of the recovery work I did at Out of the Fog, in therapy and on my own - so there is a light at the end of the tunnel   

As for the money - mine also tried to use it as a reason for me to submit to her PD behav, but like Trees suggests I say take it and run if you can do that, use it to spite him (use it for therapy; get yourself something wonderful just for you because you can give yourself love and care even though he cannot or will not.)  If you can't take it without feeling guilty though, you might want to avoid doing so until you can. It's saying "No!" to being manipulated.     

Anyway, welcome to OOTS and feel free to post away, you're in very good company here 

[chiraheally]

Your replies have made my day!  The relief of finding this community is unparalleled.  I feel officially welcomed with the warmth and hugs I so desperately crave for.  I have returned to my "self" today, pulled myself back and took up the reigns again.  Hope it lasts a couple of days!!!!

Thanks for your reassurance, Schroeder's cat, (btw I live in a german speaking country!), I'm so grateful you gave me some of your wisdom about children, it really helped!!!!!  wish you were my neighbour, I could do with some parenting advice now and again!!!!!

So did all your comments, and ofcourse I felt the urge to look up your intro stories and then felt even more connection with you all, in fact everything I read confirms my initial feeling of "coming home".

It was also amazing to read (just now) a possible explanation of why 12-steps always made me feel anxious and depressed and not-good-enough in the thread from ootf (http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=19.msg91#msg91) from your message, Kizzy. 

Actually, this is the first forum where I feel relaxed.  In the past, and even on ootf, I felt overwhelmed reading about people's pain and felt I had nothing to offer.  Here, I have a feeling that life's light and darkness interweave in an artistic and uplifting way.  The warmth is not superficial and the posts are "clean", if you know what I mean. 

As for money, I will take both yours and Tree's advice.  And your, WhoBuddy's and Schroederscat's permission to not need to put on a brave face!  Thank you!

I tried to tell a friend today what it felt like to have found this site and how it helped me regroup and she said, "it is good to hear you speak like an adult for a change!  we are ultimately alone and being an adult means not thrashing about asking for help" which immediately made me feel crap about myself but I was able to say something like, "sharing and feeling understood is not leaning on others, it is a basic human need for connection which then gives you the strength to keep walking".  Of course I am not an adult fully despite my 45 years on this planet but i cant pretend to be strong when I am not.  I need a community where i can just be vulnerable and people "get it" like you said, Kizzy!  Where people sense and appreciate the light in me and I the light in them IN their process and struggles, not when they are "together". Someone once said to me, that she draws her strength from her weakness.  that has so helped me over the years.  That is what I sense lives here.  It is so good to find it.

So, thanks again, all of you and everyone else on this forum.  It is a godsend.

May you all receive a lovely surprise today!

 

Chira

[Trees]

Chira,  I understand that not-fully-an-adult feeling.   I will turn 63 this year, but a large chunk of me is still merely three years old.  I remember my shock years ago when I realized this, and the shame that enveloped me.  But saying it out loud again and again, in a safe place, preferably, has brought me some acceptance of the truth, and consequently, compassion for this struggling self in me.   

And it seems to me that acceptance of the truth is actually a really good indicator of adulthood.  And compassion also.

Actually, this is the first forum where I feel relaxed.  .  . .I felt overwhelmed reading about people's pain and felt I had nothing to offer.  Here, I have a feeling that life's light and darkness interweave in an artistic and uplifting way.  The warmth is not superficial . . .

I share your delight and surprise with the atmosphere here on this site.  The founders have created something really special for those of us who would like to connect in a truthful but loving way.   I am so glad you are here.  I think it is your arrival that is our lovely surprise for the day.       Trees