Realising I told someone about my symptoms years ago

[Gromit]

Just joined a C-PTSD group I found on FB. It made me think back to the first time I had regular therapy. I was pregnant so, 13 years ago. I remember describing to the counsellor how I felt with social interactions that most people would take for granted, I called the feeling SHAME, although I didn't really know much about shame then.

I also tried to describe to her how I felt when my partner was angry, even if it was not because of me. The experiences I now know are emotional flashbacks to a time when I felt, scared, small, full of shame, just wanting to disappear.

I also asked if dreams were relevant because I had a recurring dream about the place where I grew up, always waking covered in sweat.

All of those symptoms I recognised when I first heard about C-PTSD, I was talking about them to someone so long ago. And yet, it took another 12 years for me to find out what C-PTSD was. And, unfortunately the 'experts' still don't know what it is.

G

[Kat]

It's amazing how much more is now understood about CPTSD.  When I was first told that my mother suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder (15 years ago?), it wasn't something I'd heard much about.  There was a bit on line and a few books to be found about it, but not much.  At that time, there was almost nothing about CPTSD.  I think I was only aware of the term because of Judith Herman's book.  If I ran searches online, I wouldn't get a whole lot.  Now you run a search for either BPD or CPTSD and there are tons of sites to look at. 

I don't know about you, but for me there's a sense of Why did it have to take so long?  It can feel like I've "wasted" time over the years.  But, I think all we can do is be thankful things are changing.  I wish you the best.

[Blueberry]

It can feel like I've "wasted" time over the years. 

Because I've been in therapy (on and off) as well as self-discovery and all that for years. It was actually me who first told Ts and docs I was pretty sure I had CPTSD about 10 years ago maybe. I live in a smallish town and it took me a long time to find a trauma T, and even longer to find one I could work with. Meanwhile got triggered and re-triggered by Ts I tried who didn't believe me.... because the abuse didn't seem "bad enough". 

I agree also Kat that we can be grateful things are changing and that there is so much more information out there. 10 years ago, therapists in my country said that there aren't trauma therapists as such, but now there are. You can be an accredited trauma therapist. If you're not accredited, then well... So that's an improvement too.

All the best Gromit.

[Gromit]

I think Kat, that I spent years trying to understand my FOO, trying to work it out, but no one is willing to give me any answers. When I finally pinned my father down his reason, 'I want to stay on good terms with all my family' whatever that meant.

Once I could let go of that I realised I could only work on repairing myself. I have done much over the years, I was in a 12 Step group 20 years ago when I as trying to fix my alcoholic bf.

My current counsellor understands my childhood was traumatic, and is willing to learn, I think, even if she isn't a specific trauma therapist. She has also done inner child work herself, & tried some with me. She helped me with my nightmares, I rarely have them now.

I haven't yet found a GP who understands, but I have only mentioned it to one, that was hard enough. I think my mistake is to explain my past rather than focussing on myself and how it effects me. I see another one next month, I only just realised my prescription runs out & I don't have a repeat so this new GP was the only one available at a time to suit, maybe I will try again.

It reminds me of Al-Anon, people didn't want to hear another tirade about the alcoholic in your life they wanted to know how you were and how you were using the tools they gave you to help yourself.

Thanks Blueberry.

G

[Kat]

I can totally relate to the years spent trying to understand and fix my FOO.  It's been tough to accept that others will not change and that I've got to be okay with walking away.  It's lonely though.  I was very close to my three older sisters growing up.  We got ourselves through so much, but now that we're adults I see how differently we've reacted to the abuse we suffered. 

I'm glad you've found a counselor who is willing to learn, who's done her own work, and is helping you grow.  (Yay! for fewer nightmares!!)

I recently went to see my GP for my yearly physical.  He pointed out that I'd gained quite a bit of weight over the course of two years where before that I'd been the same weight for years.  I told him I had a tough couple of years.  He asked why and I said I have CPTSD and had been struggling.  He didn't ask anything more.  I'm not sure what that meant to him.  He did mention he's got a brother who is a Vietnam veteran.  I wonder if that has helped him understand, or if it was just too awkward to admit he didn't know what I was talking about.  I wish they all were taught about CPTSD.  It would help so much.

I think what you said about focusing on how it affects you is probably the best route to take with your new GP. 

I hope your doctor visit goes well.  You're doing the work.  I wish you all the best.

[Gromit]

Thanks Kat, I gained weight as soon as I went on anti-depressants, I think it was anxiety and hypervigilance that kept me so skinny. I am a 'normal' weight now, bigger than I have ever been, except when pregnant. It is weird being so big, although other people see me as thin.

A previous therapist said weight gain can be a way of carrying other people's stuff, when I said about my neice. I saw her and she was huge, she was about 9 at the time. My own kids are thin or normal, never big, except in height. She was also behaving in a rather passive aggressive way towards my daughter, it was not a good visit.

Yes, I think I believed if I understood my FOO everything would fall into place. Ha!
I guess your GP, was the same as the one I saw before, he heard the PTSD & thought he understood.