Byron Katie on relating to others-Help me understand more please, I’m confused!

[C.]

Ok, so I've been contemplating these ideas a lot the last few days.  On one hand it makes perfect sense.  On the other there's something that's still bugging me about it.  But I think that I've figured out what that is. 

I used to "fawn" a lot.  I would seek out situations, people, friends and family who behaved inappropriately.  I would "win" them over.  Then I learned that those people never really changed and although they were sometimes "nice" to me they also criticized and/or ignored me.  It was always about them.  So I quit them.  I didn't need to work for a while either so I could really avoid them and the ensuing contact.  Then I went back to work.  My son periodically behaves like his NPD father.  Reality again.  I need to cope.

During all of this I became aware of people who would frequently excuse poor behavior.  A classic example is driving.  Someone is aggressive, goes too fast, cuts another person off, flips the bird, etc.  But friends or family say, oh, it's ok, they're having a bad day.  And I'd say well I have bad days, but I don't lash out at other people like that.  It's not ok.  And I don't really want to know or interact frequently w/a person who behaves in such a manner.  It's toxic.  And even the healthiest of humans can only afford so much toxicity before becoming ill.

But there's still my teen son.  My ex.  My parents.

Then I come across Byron Katie.  I briefly looked over her web site.  It makes sense.  I want to be enlightened like that, for toxicity to wash past me too.  It aligns more closely w/my belief system.  But I don't want to excuse, enable, or be harmed either.

Please, help me understand...does her philosophy mean saying "(bad behavior-yelling, insulting, hitting, criticizing) is ok b/c she/he (reason-bad day, someone died, sick friend, lost job, et.)"?

I feel like I'm missing something here, or making something simple complex, or perhaps I'm just not yet ready, but it's been nagging away at me and I would like to understand better.

[Sandals]

Her work reminds me of the 4-step process I learned about in workshop. However, I think the 4-step is a stronger way of getting at a similar resolution. Copy & pasting the 4-step below.

This is a very intense exercise that allows you discover your authentic self and get to the root of feelings you are using as a mask - a mask you could be unaware of. One person is The Reporter, another person is The Witness. Here is a quick summary of the process:
Part A: Uncensored expression. The intention of this process is to connect deeply to your emotions - you, being the reporter. It pulls you out of your head and into the emotions to contact the heart.
Step 1: Attack and Blame. The reporter shares uncensored the current upset state, withheld thoughts,conflicts, etc. Each statement begins with "I want you to hear that [insert attack thought here]." [I am angry, I hate it when you X, I resent Y, etc.]
The witness responds to each statement with "I hear you." (Note: if you are role-playing the witness, you are encouraged to think of a sheet of plexi-glass in between you and the reporter, as the emotions can run quite high).

The reporter: "I want you to hear that I am angry...that you were late again last night."
The witness: "I hear you."

If you are fully expressing your attacking mind, you will also heal your guilt & shame-based mind. Attacks should be present (not past) and always directed at the person they pertain to. Avoid long pauses between statements, as could indicate censoring. This step goes for 5 minutes.

Step 2: Contacting the vulnerable self
The theory here is that anger is a defence and once we've exhausted the attack level, we'll drop into the vulnerable self. The reporter's job is to expose and give voice to the vulnerable self by allowing the root feelings to emerge. If anger comes up again, Step 1 is not completed. The witness receives the communication by saying "I hear you" and invites more communication by adding, "Is there more?"

When the vulnerable self is present, the reporter adds in "just like when...", using the root feeling as a window to trace back into the past the point at which the reporter can first remember feeling the same way. The step feels more like a confession vs. an explanation.

The reporter: "I want you to hear that underneath my attachk, I really feel lonely. Just like when my Dad left when I was 6"
The witness: "I hear you. Is there more?"

The next step is redefining the source of the problem, having seen the vulnerability, from "out there" to "in here."

Part B: Returning to Love

Step 3: Revealing the Suspicion of self/other/world
The root feelings stem from issues, such as fear of not being good enough, worth enough, loveable, etc. These feelings have been amplified in Step 2 and now can be used as a conduit to the suspicion of self/other/world. The reporter simply keys into theh mistaken belief, as the witness continues to respond.

The reporter: "I want you to hear that I have been trying to prove my fear that I cannot trust...but I have been mistaken"
The witness: "I hear you. Is there more?"

Note that these are uncovering beliefs, *not* referring to behaviours or situations. e.g. You could not say "I want you to hear that I have been trying to prove my fear that that you will leave me, but I have been mistaken". Beliefs are focused on because they determine our experience; we have limited control over events and less over others, but we have control over what we choose to believe. 

Step 4: Correction through connection
This is the most important step of the process, as the reporter connects with the witness to correct mistaken beliefs and return to love and truth. It is important that the reporter actually believes the correction, so a step is added where the witness asks the reporter if they accept the truth. If you don't accept it, then say so, specifically as ownership is a major component of the exercise. The correction "remembering..." should always be framed in positive language, never negative. e.g. instead of saying "help me to remember I am not guilty" say "help me to remember that I am innocent."

Maintaining eye contact with the witness is critical, as the it helps us stay in the present.

The reporter: "Will you help me to transform the believe that I am not good enough, and remember the truth...that I am good enough, no matter what anyone else says."
The witness: "I will help you to remember the truth that you are good enough, no matter what anyone else says or does. Do you accept that you are good enough?"
The reporter: "I accept (or don't) that I am good enough."

Note - even though the witness says that they will help you to remember, the ownership of remember is on you, not the reporter

Similar to Byron Katie's work, this helps define the issue, understand what it reflects inside yourself, and then return to love by correcting the misguided beliefs inside yourself. I feel this process is clearer and that you don't hit against that wall of feeling that you are responsible for the problem...but at the same time you take accountability for your own emotions. And taking accountability is incredibly empowering because it actually stops the absorption of other toxicity from others while allowing you to have compassion for them.

It took me a long, long time to deeply understand this, but when it clicked it was powerful.

[C.]

Thank you BeHealthy and Sandals for your thoughtful and heartfelt responses.  It helped me to see this is not a simple topic and I'll be patient w/myself as I figure out the answers while I prioritize my own wellness.

I also realized that I am a bit sensitive to any idea or concept that is too connected to a person, also that seems to be the end-all answer.  So I think that was my initial reason for pulling away a bit.  But thought is reality so if I simply say, it's not about a name and it isn't the end-all, then that allows me to explore these concepts as I'm ready.  So I think that I've already internalized one of the idea which I like which is to take any stressful thought and try it on in it's "opposite" form.  Like when I think "my boss just wants the job done, he doesn't care about my health" it stresses me and thought is reality and it's him so I don't really have a way to know for sure, so I'll just think "my boss cares about our workplace and about the health of the employees, including myself."  My stress stops and there's not "proof" for the negative thought, so I'll teach myself to use the other instead.

I am quite encouraged to hear others explain how this type of process can increase their own serenity, happiness and enlightenment w/life, because that definitely is my goal.  So thanks again and cheers to us for learning in community