shadows journal

[shadow]

I have made contact with others like me. Im shocked at the numbers of us. Angered at the world for allowing this to be. The inner warrior is chomping at the bit in the name of all the little children. I know this is me....putting my anger at my treatment into others....as in....hiding my pain by touching someone elses. My pathetic attempt to hide...from myself. I loathe this person.

Still reeling from the new fear in my life as if I didn't already have overload on this already. I don't want to have that frozen with fear feeling again. Too afraid to answer my door, to afraid to go out of my door, to afraid to open the mail.... I don't even know this person.

I've been blipping in and out. I have had to stop driving. Its happening far to frequently and seemingly for long periods of time. I drove 7 miles including entering onto a main road but could only recall getting in the car back at home. This has affected our quality of life. Im shocked at the fear in my daughters voice as she catches me and exclaims Mum...whats wrong? and feeling confused and dazed at the out of place-ness of her voice.... with oh I must have been daydreaming.....and she says....you looked like you were about to cry...... or scream!....... I just cant handle being around this person. They are dangerous. This person got me lost in the woods!

I have had to quit SAR. My people skills got up and walked out on me. So full of triggers I cant take the modern ways of ignorance....and when Im 'out of myself' what comes out of my mouth shocks me too . Im embarrassed by this clown. She is good at what she does...and then she goes and 'looses it' and it wasn't even her that was in the firing line in the first place.

Inner critic. I'd say not much but I wouldn't believe it. But.....I respect this dude. Yah he is always there wittering on....a royal preverbal pain, but without him I wouldn't be here.... in a strange twisted way. He is also the one that keeps me focused on not leaving my children with shed loads of heartache.

Self worth. Well. For awhile I thought I saw some green shoots. Think I almost felt ....a 'tingle' of happiness too. Well....it made me smile. But that is an improvement in itself. Im not looking for flawless perfect improvement, and Im just going to have to except that mostly it will always be this way for me... but Im starting to see the strength this girl has shown in her life. That the achievements were extraordinary. The deck was so heavily stacked against her, but she flew that banner high and proud in her search for love truth compassion and honesty. She has a backbone. She is without doubt complex yes....but actually....she is totally fascinating. Its just hard for her to talk about herself right now.

[Kizzie]

Angered at the world for allowing this to be. The inner warrior is chomping at the bit in the name of all the little children.

I feel the same way Shadow.  I don't want any child to go through what we did but I think there's a lot of truth to the saying that we can't help others until we help ourselves. Learning you have CPTSD can definitely be overwhelming, I'm sure you've read that in many posts. A lot of us find we have to slow right down and take things in bits or chunks until we adjust to this new reality. Much like when I found out I have CPTSD, when I learned I had cancer in 2007 I had a very similar kind of reaction - blipping in and out as you say until I could look at it face on. I just couldn't process it at first.

I must tell you that I loved reading that you do respect your ICr for helping you along the way, that you see so much strength in yourself and have a great big old backbone, and that you are complex but in a fascinating way. I would add courageous. 

Kudos to the part of you that is facing down the past      

[Jimmy]

Thanks for your post, Shadow. I enjoyed reading it. Good luck with your journey.

Jim