Hi!

[meezette]

Hi, I am 28 years old and am currently completing a graduate degree in Occupational therapy. Over the years Ive collected about 7 mental health diagnoses, including social anxiety, OCD, ADHD, and panic disorder. However, I knew there was still much more going on, but I didn't know what. These diagnoses didn't explain my pathological fear of rejection, my avoidance of relationships, my explosive reactivity to certain triggers, my experiences of dissociation, etc. Recently, my psychiatrist started suspecting ptsd... but I don't feel that diagnoses quite fits. I've always thought that there was no way I could have ptsd, because the trauma I experienced didn't seem nearly as bad as what others have gone through. I've never been in war, was never sexually abused, and I didn't even fully realized I'd experienced trauma until I started learned about the impacts of childhood toxic stress. My father (later diagnosed with schizo affective disorder and narcissistic/borderline pd) may physically and emotionally abusive, parenting with an authoritarian/totalitarian style. As well, I was intensely bullied at school (Which I dropped out of in grade . All of these things didn't really seem that bad when I compared my history to people who have been raped or abused sexually.
I just started emdr at a friends recommendation. .. my guess is that in my next session, my therapist will confirm my suspicion that I have complex ptsd.
So I just wanted to introduce myself and share my story.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to Out of the Storm     It takes some of us a long time to find out we have CPTSD for precisely the reasons you mention - we were not physically or sexually abused, we didn't grow up with war or anything similarly horrific  and we end up saying we must be weak or overly sensitive or a host of other things which invalidate our experiences of what boils down to emotional abuse and neglect.  A child who grows up without the nurturing, safety and support of loving caregivers is basically a child alone in the world, left to fend for herself.  It is all traumatic to the soul, our sense of self and our place in this world.

Your F's behaviour and the bullying "fit" with CPTSD in that the trauma/abuse was ongoing and was something you could escape from as a child. Whether or not you are "officially" diagnosed is not a problem here though, many of us have not been but we have the history, the symptoms and what people say here resonates deeply so we know we are in the right place.

I do think you are in the right place     So please feel free to post more here about your situation and/or in any of the forums that seem to be relevant.  And if you would please take a moment to read through the Member Guidelines.   

[meezette]

Hi Kizzie,

Thanks for your reply to my post, and your affirmations. What you said about invalidating our own experiences by blaming ourselves for being weak and over sensitive really hits home, because this is what I have been telling myself lately. I have also been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, and I often feel I should just be able to suck it up and deal with the pain without complaint. But my somatic symptoms are probably tied in with the neurochemical changes that happen with years of abuse. Now that I know that complex PTSD is a very real thing that other people go through, I think it will be easier to combat the self-blaming thoughts. I am looking forward to "meeting" everyone

-Meezette

[C.]

Welcom Meezette. 

I am 48 years old and recently had the full mental "break" leading to a ptsd diagnosis with other professionals diagnosing "unspecified anxiety" "adhd" "depression" "emotional regulation disorder" etc. etc.  Then I came across cptsd and my therapist is experienced and really validates that neglect and emotional/verbal abuse are as real and painful in their own way as anything physical or sexual.  Ongoing, persistent emotional abuse and neglect cause many of the same symptoms as experiencing a traumatic "event" with the exception that the memories may be harder to trace, and not visual...so it's "complex."   Although I was raised in a middle class home with working parents neither could respond to my emotional needs, ever.  From birth.  So when I think of that infant, toddler, child being corrected or ignored for any pain like grief, anger, fear, loneliness, etc. I understand my current reality a bit better.  You can only be programmed to repress or ignore emotions for so long.  There's a tipping point.  I reached it, and now I'm in the process of recovering.

I'm sharing this because I am heartened to see that you're young and becoming aware now.  I think that you will identify well with this forum.

Welcome.  I look forward to learning here together.

[GraciousJoy]

I just joined myself, so many of the things you mentioned in your introduction I can relate to.  You're not the only one who's been through this crap, I have too, as well as quite a few other members on this site, as you can see.   

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Meezette, and welcome. I wasn't sexually abused either, and almost not at all physically abused, so I'm another one of us who doesn't have horrifying stories and still has CPTSD.    How did your therapist appointment go? (If it's not intrusive to ask.)