Feeling doubtful about the future a lot of the time.

[fairyslipper]

Hi, I just joined this evening. I realized I had CPSTD almost a year ago. I had 2 different therapists diagnose me with PTSD, but as I just seemed to keep happening on information on CPSTD, I realized that explained much more thoroughly what my experience was. I grew up with a bpd/narc mom, a narc brother and a spineless father....... and I am the family scapegoat. There is so much to tell it would be hard to put it all here. That type of upbringing made ME dissolve. I became a huge co-dependent, and people pleaser. About 8 years ago I discovered npd and bpd and the pieces started to all fit together. I felt both relieved and furious at the same time. For a while I started to feel better. But the trauma in my life continued. N mom and stupid father ramped up their attempts to control. It all came to a head when I was diagnosed with breast cancer. And then my mom was several months after me. Long story short, because I could no longer be there the way I had been because of health issues, they got mad, so terribly heartless and mean and moved halfway across the country to live with my brother, without so much as a good bye. They have been attempting to re-establish some sort of contact again..........but I am so not feeling it. For the most part I can just be whatever with her/them and not take any new stuff they do too heart. BUT I have the hideous shame, and realized I do think bad of myself a lot...I know it all goes back to how I was treated for nearly 50 years by them......my mom always made fun of my body, especially my chest, my brother did too..........they both continued to after my breast cancer........WHO does that.. ...I can relate to so much of what is discussed here. The reason I feel hopeless is because I seem to only attract Narcissistic and Borderline "friends" into my life. I am tired of spending so much mental energy on trying to figure out why people act the way they do towards me........and feeling like it is something I DO WRONG...I just recently had to break it off with a friend that I truly feel was borderline because of how she was messing with me and playing games. I feel like that is a win, because years ago, I wouldn't have had the guts. I feel like I give off some kind of vibe that is NOT serving me well at all.........that I will always feel on the outside and never have a true, real friend. Instead of feeling proud of what I have overcome, cancer included....I feel ashamed. That last friend even said maybe if I hadn't had so many problems in my personal life, our friendship could have had a chance..........again who does that?  She was also a cancer survivor..supposedly...now I really wonder if she was just pretending to be to get closer.....trauma bonding.....I am in my mid-fifties now and although I have come a long way.......this area of feeling loveable and worthy of a friendship is a huge, hard battle for me. I feel so much shame and so undeserving. Thank you for letting me post. I am so happy to have found this group!.

[keepfighting]

Hi, fairyslipper,

I just wanna give you a  and a warm welcome to the forum! Thank you for sharing your story with us. 

I am so sorry you didn't get the love and support you deserved from you family and friends and I hope you'll find some support and validation here.

Your story brought tears into my eyes - the selfish and inhumane behaviour that your FOO (family of origin) and 'friends' have displayed around your diagnosis and fight against breast cancer is just despicable. I wish I could shake some sense and compassion into them for you - you deserve so much better!

For what it's worth: It's quite possible that your 'friend' only faked being a cancer survivor - my Nmother often faked various illnesses and other kind of misfortunes to play the victim and get (undeserved) sympathy. People wouldn't believe me when I said she was lying - called me crazy and selfish and sympathized with her twice (once for her supposed illnesses/misfortunes and twice for her having such a 'heartless and selfish daughter'). Faking  cancer survival would not be beneath her (I cut all contact with her almost 14 years ago so I don't know her latest scams). She's a covert NPD, a pathological liar and literally nothing is beneath her to  get sympathy for herself...so maybe you've had the misfortune to run into a clone of her?

Anyway, best wishes to you!

kf

[marycontrary]

Honey you are in the right place. Is your prognosis OK? Are you caring for yourself properly?

My family too abandoned me during severe illness. I had to let them all go. This is an intense "reality", but you realize during times like this whom you need to kick out the door. A person who gets cancer needs to be around people who support hand have her best interests at heart.

These people just don't have it....blood from a turnip. They are mentally handicapped, if this reframes it in a way you can swallow. I just could not afford to have these type of people (family or otherwise) in my life. This is life or death here...and the stress of dealing with people incapable of empathy might send you to an early grave....

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome to OOTS FairySlipper   

So sorry for all that you have been going through I too am a cancer survivor (Ovarian) and did not receive support from my FOO either. They are narcissists and used my illness to feed their needs for attention - very, very difficult when I realized what they were doing. It is a really hard, bitter pill for you to swallow that your FOO treat you as they do, especially at a time when you were dangerously ill and vulnerable; you definitely deserve(d) much better.

Like Mary I came to see my FOO as being psychologically damaged and incapable of giving and receiving love the way others do. It helped enormously as I began to understand that their behaviour was not personal so much as it was about them not being well. I stopped expecting anything from them because they could not give what they do not have and that was a huge step forward in my recovery. I did mourn for my loss for quite some time though and I think that was quite normal if other people's experiences are anything to go by.

I think you will find the type of people here you having been looking for - supportive, encouraging and understanding -- and that that will translate into finding similar people in your world.  By coming here you are taking a huge step away from that world toward a much better life for yourself - kudos!!   

[fairyslipper]

Wow....thank you SO MUCH for the very warm welcome.  I was incredibly nervous to stick my neck out again......I so appreciate it. I am sorry to hear that you have had similar experiences when you really needed your family and friends to be there for you too. It is gut wrenching to go through the double whammy of the illness and not having the people that truly should be there for you there. My mom used my cancer to get attention too......until she had hers only months later  Then she kept saying to me....you have no idea what it's like to have a daughter with cancer.........hmmmm..........like it was my fault or something...she would say that all the time.....like what I was putting HER through! 

There were red flags when I first met the friend I mentioned in my original post. And because I was fortunate enough to find a great support group about 2 years after I got sick.......I definitely noticed a pattern in talking to other survivors. I always felt her descriptions/conversations were very vague.......and then she told me she was doing yoga the day after her mastectomy.......and I having had only a lumpectomy found that VERY hard to believe There were other things too. But I recently started listening to a man on youtube called the Spartan Life Coach and he talked a lot about trauma bonding and how pd'd people use that as an in.....into your life. Huge red flag.

I was reading a lot of Pete Walker's website last night and really learned some interesting things. I am so happy to have found a group specifically for CPTSD........most of mine centers around my family and their treatment of me, and very serious health issues. I find the strangest things triggering and can go for a while without any and then boom right back there. Here is a silly and very recent one. We have a local garage sale site online here and I was meeting a girl to sell her two movies I had.....Father of the Bride 1 and 2. She hugged them to her chest when I gave them to her, and said she loved these movies, and with a huge smile said how she and her dad loved to watch them together. I felt the tears come immediately, but thankfully was able to hold them until I got back to my car. My daughters both got married last year, and my parents were not there. They barely speak to us which is fine honestly.........but there was this feeling like what would it have been like to have totally different parents that were there...........that did care.........so things like that. I don't know if any of you can relate. The holidays were particularly hard this year......

I do have positive things in my life. I have my own little business that I love and I am taking Yoga Teacher Training. My goal is to work with women and breast cancer survivors. I live in a beautiful place and love being outside in it. My marriage is pretty strong. And I have 2 dogs that I absolutely love. I have been cancer free for 8 years. I had a scare after the original dx but thankfully it was ok........I just recently ended that bizarre friendship......maybe a month or so ago......and I think that stirred some things up.

Thank you so much. I am looking forward to participating here more and healing 

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh yikes. I'm sad to hear that you're having to wade through so much sadness and unhelpfulness. "You have no idea what it's like to have a daughter with cancer" - what, were you supposed to make your cancer be all about her? I mean, what IS there even to say after such a statement? "I didn't get it on purpose"? Hng?

...and with a huge smile said how she and her dad loved to watch them together. I felt the tears come immediately, but thankfully was able to hold them until I got back to my car. My daughters both got married last year, and my parents were not there. They barely speak to us which is fine honestly.........but there was this feeling like what would it have been like to have totally different parents that were there...........that did care.........so things like that. I don't know if any of you can relate.

I can. So much. The first time it happened, I was nineteen, and my class were celebrating that we'd passed our exams. We'd invited our teachers and families. The parents started to show up, all of them looking serene and excited, greeting their kid with fondness, looking ready to enjoy the evening and have a good time. My mother was so absorbed in taking care of my ill father, so worn down by it, I'd had to talk her into even showing up for a half hour. (In hindsight, I shouldn't have done that.) She came, looking grim and haggard, and she just went through the motions for a bit and then went home again as soon as she could. The sheer contrast of it exploded right in my face. It was the first time I REALLY realized how bad my mother really had it (she was always being very brave about it), and that other parents were available to their children in a way that mine couldn't be. And such moments happen regularly. Phantom pains. There's just so much grief. It's always awkward if it gets triggered in seemingly innocuous situations: "your happiness about your week-end spent with your parents? It makes me MISERABLE" - you can't really say that, can you? But it's fully justified. It's just grief.

[fairyslipper]

Thank you so much s Cat  Ha, that is pretty much how I felt, like what the heck do you say...........Phantom pains! such a perfect description............You are so right it does make you feel miserable, yet another reminder..........thank you for saying it is justified too. Definitely grief. I wonder does it ever go away? My parents left my world 3 1/2 years ago. I go through ok periods, but the holidays are hard, birthdays......and just other things that bring it up....it is tough sometimes. Thank you so much for validating what I have experienced. I am realizing from reading this forum that we experience so many similar things......and I am sorry that you had to experience it also. 

[Kizzie]

It is gut wrenching to go through the double whammy of the illness and not having the people that truly should be there for you there. My mom used my cancer to get attention too......until she had hers only months later  Then she kept saying to me....you have no idea what it's like to have a daughter with cancer.........hmmmm..........like it was my fault or something...she would say that all the time.....like what I was putting HER through! 

Our M's could be sisters     The lowest day for me when I realized (clearly) what she was doing.  The day after we told her I had cancer and would require surgery and chemo she phoned to say that she had been crying all day (she wanted me to comfort her - *  ) and that everyone (all her Flying Monkeys) had been phoning to console her - no-one phoned me of course because it was always about how things affected my M.   Crazytown eh?!   

I'm glad that you have many positives in your life that you can turn to. I did/do as well and that had a lot to do with being able to process all the trauma of having a life threatening illness I could not escape from (very CPTSD triggering!),  I had support from the non-PDs in my life, I could be open about having cancer all facets of my life, and I could be afraid, angry, cry without anyone telling me to pull up my socks. In other words, all of the supports and good things to get through a really traumatic time that children and adults normally have at times like this.  The tears that welled up when you sold the two movies - not silly at all, you experienced a huge loss of the normal things in children, we all did.

And what a difference having all the normal supports and care made in how I feel about that time. I was flinchy for about a year (which I had been warned might be the case so I knew it was "normal"), and I would break down if I saw anything on TV or read something about cancer. Over time though it began to fade and take up a much smaller space inside of me. Now it is a part of me but does not interfere with my life. And that's the route I see through this CPTSD    Working through the trauma as difficult as that may be, being angry, mourning our losses, learning self-compassion and even reparenting ourselves as Walker suggests so that the trauma becomes a part of who we are rather than a distinct/separate entity that continues to wreck havoc on our lives in the present.

I just had a PD free Christmas, the first ever in my 50+ years and it was wonderful! I hope that next year at this time you will post and tell us that your holidays were much better 

[fairyslipper]

Seriously!! They really could. Oh my gosh. The poor things  Thank goodness they had such support for all that we put THEM through It really is crazytown.

I am so glad you have that also. That is huge that you had that kind of support.  Funny the place I felt the most cared for and listened to was at my doctor visits. I remember how I knew I could talk and be taken seriously and it would just be about me, like it should be for any patient. They really made up for what I wasn't getting from my FOO. My husband was my rock through all of it also.

I really, really like how you compared our cptsd to our cancer and how it fades away. Thank you for that. I completely understand that and it gives me so much hope.

That is amazing. So wonderful!! Thank for that..........me too  I feel like if I stick around here the possibility of that happening are quite good!

[flookadelic]

Firstly welcome, secondly, my God, you have really been through the wringer. No doubt about it. I have been here a while and I have found nothing but understanding, non-judgemental people who have gone through the same * as I, with different "inductions" into the same cptsd experience. I have felt and been safe and respected here, and I am certain that same courtesy will be extended to you. Not least because you deserve respect after coming through all of that.

I felt both relieved and furious at the same time.

Oh dear God, can I relate to that.

and with a huge smile said how she and her dad loved to watch them together. I felt the tears come immediately, but thankfully was able to hold them until I got back to my car.

And that. No matter how aware I am of my triggers for EF's (Emotional Flashbacks) we are still sometimes caught off guard, by what seems the most innoccious and innocent remarks. But we are strong and we have proof of that because we are still here! A cliche I know but cliches are cliches because they are true.

When we begin to show ourselves a fraction of the endless patience and care we have shown others then we are finally beginning to find the right track. When we realise that this condition makes us ripe for exploitation and then have sensible, natural boundaries before we find out who is genuine and who is just a psychic sponge then we are beginning to find the right track.

Wishing you a far better life that you have ever had, and now that you have found your compass, why not?! - Flooky

[schrödinger's cat]

What flook said, exactly. 

[fairyslipper]

Wow you guys! Thank you so much. Your kindness and validation mean so much. I am so happy to have found a group like this. I was getting to where I really wondered if people could even be this way anymore.  It has been so long since I experienced anything like this.    You are helping me with hope about people and about taking care of myself. I loved the comment 'ripe for exploitation'........excellent way to put it. Thank you so much too for wishing me a better life. I need to learn to trust life again.

[flookadelic]

I'm so glad that you have found some respite. The forum's not called "Out of the Storm" for nowt! Trust is a precious gift and I had to learn to be wise with it in the case of people. But discovering Out of the Storm was a major step forward in gaining confidence that progress is not just possible but enhanced by the courage and honesty of so many who have suffered stuff that stuns normals. Well to be honest it stuns me too. How people can be so screwed up as to create so much pain in a childs life is beyond me, and I've seen it close up! But there is so much more to us than what we may presently believe and that alone is wonderful. I am very, very happy you have found us :-) and we, you.