Increasingly violent SI/SH thoughts *TW*

[songbirdrosa]

Preface - I am going to bring this up with both my psychologist and counsellor, so I will have professional help. In the meantime though, I feel like it could help to have a little support from people who understand and aren't going to tell me off for having these thoughts like a lot of my friends and family do.

I mentioned in my last post on this board that I've been struggling a lot with self harm lately, and unfortunately those thoughts are still plaguing me. But on top of that, the images that come with the thoughts have been getting worse. Today, for example, I felt the urge to go to a place in my city that's notorious as a suicide spot and I pictured myself climbing over the fence to stand on the edge. I didn't go in the end, though I came very close to and went so far as to plan public transport options for how to get there. This ramping up of those thoughts is really disturbing me, because I've never had such drastic urges before. I've always done things that I could maybe come back from. This is something else.

My thoughts of self harm are becoming more violent too. I won't detail them here because it would likely be too much, but it's bad enough that it's starting to scare me. Well, part of me. It seems the other part just doesn't believe I can get better.

I don't think I'm going to do anything right now. But the pessimistic side is saying that my time is running out if I don't see improvements within the year.

[Libby183]

Songbirdrosa,  you are having such a hard time at the moment and I just wanted reach out to you,  so that you know that people are on your side, supporting you, and understand,  if only a little,  how you feel.

Please don't feel bad or ashamed about how you are feeling.   Your friends and family who you mention as being unsupportive,  clearly don't understand. As a teenager,  I really wanted to die and my mother told me not to be so silly.  She said the same thing to my teenage son, in the same circumstances,  years later.  It's the most invalidating response imaginable.

I am relieved to hear that you have professional help lined up to get you through this awful time.  Just hold on to the idea that you deserve and will get help, and that everyone here is, I am positive,  ready to listen to and support you.

Keep safe.

Libby

[Blueberry]

Songbirdrosa,

You have a plan in place to talk to psychologist and counsellor. You reached out to us. Two actions to keep going on the healing track. 

In some bad phases of SI from a child onwards I've just gone to bed for hours and hours. Idk if that would help to bridge the time till you see psychologist and counsellor?

I've heard similar things from FOO as Libby. It's not on you or us, it's on them for not understanding.

I used to have really frightening images of SH. They seemed to come out of nowhere. It helped me to tell some Ts that I was having them. Took pressure off. Having thoughts might be different though. Idk.

I echo Libby - please don't feel bad or ashamed about your feelings and thoughts. You deserve help and you will get help!

Keep safe

Blueberry

[sanmagic7]

you're not alone, songbird, and i'm just sorry you're experiencing this.  so very glad you have some professional help lined up.

hang tough, sweetie.  sending a warm hug filled with support and love. 

[Kat]

Hey, Songbird.  I'm sure what you're experiencing is extremely distressing.  I'm sorry you're having to go through this.  I'm so glad you are on this earth, but I understand that you probably don't always feel that same gladness.  I get what that feels like.  Please just do your best to keep postponing action.  I know that's asking a lot, but you matter and we need you here.

[songbirdrosa]

Thanks for the support everyone

Guess I'll just try to get through it one step at a time.

[Boatsetsailrose]

I can relate
How are you doing now songbird ...