effects of CSA TW!

[Blueberry]

Because of other posts with CSA content and freezing response today, I've been remembering some stuff which I want to write down. None of it is stuff that I haven't remembered before. There have been no memory breakthroughs today.

It's truly OK that I was reminded! In a weird way that's some of what I missed when the forum was down - other people's posts and my responses to them help me on to realisations in my own healing.

Anyway, these are more symptoms but I want them on the SA board.

When I was in my teens / early 20's I allowed hugs or other inappropriate touching to take place even if the man suggested it. As opposed to the man just doing it. Somebody without a history of CSA probably would've said "No." I couldn't, I froze at the suggestion and allowed whatever to happen. In fact a friend told me so much at the time - she wouldn't have let it happen. I'm fortunate in that I apparently seemed invisible to most men. That was probably part of my saving grace to having worse things happen. I was good at disappearing into the woodwork. (Added May 10th: Actually this means that I disappeared automatically into the woodwork, it's not as if I did it actively or anything.)

Due to the amount and intensity and type of emotional/psychological abuse done to me, I believed that my opinion was automatically incorrect by virtue of being my opinion. Once I even allowed a 4 year old I was babysitting to override my decision and it was a safety issue  But that was just the amount of damage that had been done to me. (Fortunately no physical injury to 4 year old after her antics.)

So it was my opinion that I didn't want to be hugged by some random man? Must be wrong. I believed I had to let him do it although my body went rigid with fear.

So it was my opinion that I didn't want to dance, especially up close, to some decades older fat man? I believed I had to allow it because if I said "No." that would 'hurt his feelings' and that certainly wasn't allowed in FOO. "No" to M or B1 no matter how minor a "No"?  not allowed. So that applied to others too. How was I meant to know the difference if I'd never been taught that saying "No" to males (B1) and to unwanted sexual attention (M) was allowed??

I danced with him several times. Eventually a young woman about my age asked if he was a really good dancer or what?? And then cautioned me in no uncertain terms to be careful! That helped me to then say "no" next time he asked. The fact that while I was dancing with him I felt nauseous at the contact wasn't enough. Cuz Blueberry's opinion was wrong no matter what in FOO.

Also I'd spent years freezing away from sexualised touching because there was no other way to deal with it as a child and no possibility to talk about it in later years. It was just this terrible secret I carried with me. Till I finally started talking in therapy. But even there it took me a while to be believed, especially that that done by M was 'all' and 'enough'.

I was also usually ashamed of my reactions, of allowing my opinion to be overridden by somebody else's when a third party called it into question. Like the parents of the 4 year old and the friend about my non-reaction to touching.

[Hope67]

Hi Blueberry,
I am triggered by things you've written here, but that's understandable - and I'm glad to be able to write something here to say I relate to what you're saying - and also that I think you're brave to write your experiences here - and I agree with you so much that reading and relating to other people's experiences, helps.

to you, if that's ok. 
Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry, I am glad you could write these things down here. I can relate to so much of what you are saying. I let things go or happen that a lot of people likely wouldn't. Questioning that maybe my opinion isn't actually right. Oddly enough I find that I often think "well because my past I must be overreacting, surely a normal person would be okay with this" like my extensive abuse mean s my opinion is not right.