In-laws

[Cyd]

Hi,

So coming to terms with cptsd has made me look at the relationships around me. One in particular I struggle with is my relationship with my In-laws.

I worry profoundly what they think of me, I struggle to relax with them or relate with them.

How do I have a relationship with them when I don't know how that relationship should feel. My in-laws are good people, they are good parents.

But realising I have cptsd has made me see how that colours my relationship with them. I'm always on edge and waiting to go home or for them to leave.

I'm also always convinced that they like my brother-in-law more than me, and that I'm not enough, not good enough. This is definitely a cptsd thought.

We're visiting them tomorrow for mothers day (UK) and that day is enough trigger on its own without adding in a pseudo-parental relationship.

I kind of just wanted to voice this, any thoughts of tips greatly received.

Thanks

[Gromit]

I do get this, I wonder about mine too, especially as there have been ups and downs.

How long have they been your in-laws and does your spouse help with this relationship?

As for Mother's Day, my in-laws have met my parents, they would not ask if I had sent my mother anything which is a relief. Now I have children the focus of the day is more on me as a mother to them.
G

[Cyd]

We've been together 5, married just under 3. My spouse is really helpful, but at times she can struggle to truly understand the ridiculous mess in my head.

I suppose with my parents the visits are perfunctory and short. They value job and educational achievements, I know how to respond to them (fawning that I know I need to look at). But my in-laws value very different things, I feel embarrassed and ashamed, that I'm not what they want for their daughter....which is not real, but what I think.

Yes, my In-laws hate my parents, they have met twice and probably never will again. My mother-in-law said she was amazed I and my sister were so normal after meeting them (which is not a compliment I can believe).

They'll ask after my family out of politeness, but have no interest in my parents.

It'll be interesting to see how it goes tomorrow now I've recognised it's a trigger...will it help or make me vigilant?

I still get atilla (My name for m) a mother's day card...insanely hard to find one that just says happy mothers day and nothing else. I would love to cut contact, but at this point I'm not in that place yet.

[Gromit]

It strikes me a blank card may be best, which can then say, 'best wishes for Mother's Day.

Do you have to go to your in-laws tomorrow? Obviously, time spent with them will help you get the measure of them but, if tomorrow is such a trigger, do you have to go, this is not your mother.

Strange that your MIL commented on your parents. My in-laws are pretty forthright but I don't think they would say that to me, (probably because they don't think I am normal), they would be polite, but say it to my spouse. Maybe it means they do feel comfortable with you, accept you.

If you do go, it is your MIL's day so to speak, let her or them do the talking. Take an interest in them, that's what I do, then I don't have to say anything about me. And, maybe, if I do that my FIL will not make a rude remark about me not smiling