I need put tell someone (trigger warning incase).

[Bounty]

I remember when I told my parents I wanted to go to boarding school like my sister and my mum said I had to give 5 good reasons for wanting to go and I only gave her 2. The first was because I didn't want to keep repeating my work every time we moved schools and the second was because of my dad, we didn't always see eye to eye and I was scared of him. My relationship is different with him now but I still feel like a child when with my parents most of the time and I do right now too.

I can feel the fear and hear my parents shouting because dad has come home from the mess drunk (he didn't do it often). I then go to boarding school and have another fear because I was away from home and I missed my parents so much it still hurts now and I'm in floods of tears. I don't feel safe right now I am that 10 year old girl who has no one, I just wants my mum and im scared about starting a new school and having no one to talk about the first day with as my sister doesn't want to really know me. I cry myself to sleep at night cuddling a soft toy because I'm hurting, I'm cuddling the same toy now.

Sorry if this makes no sense I just needed to share it with people who would understand how I'm feeling right now.

[Bounty]

I appreciate this might not seem like a big trauma but it was the start of a lot more to come over the 6 years I was at the school and it is where I met my now ex husband who is the cause of most of the trauma.

[Bach]

It sounds pretty awful to me, Bounty. Not being able to feel safe or wanted anywhere you are. I can relate.

I'm having a hard time right now and no words of wisdom, but I do understand. I can offer you a hug if you want it  and my hope that telling helped at least a little. It usually does for me when I can do it but it's really hard to speak. I hope you are okay.

[Kizzie]

This may be small comfort Bounty but the fact that you do remember how that felt sounds like you're ready and willing to work through the trauma you experienced as a child and stored away like most of us tend to do.

Sharing it with us and receiving validation and empathy is a healing step to take for yourself so bravo! 

[Bounty]

I don't want to remember and keep reliving everything over and over it's just to painful. Why can't people see the pain that's going on inside, why do I feel I have to put on a front because I'm scared what would happen to my children if I didn't.
I'm being pumped full of pills as if that's the answer to everything when in fact I would rather not be taking them at all, seems I don't have much of a choice as my voice and opinion counts for nothing.

[Kizzie]

No need to put on a front here Bounty. For many of us OOTS is a good place to start (re)learning we matter, that we have a voice and can (need to) use it. Those who traumatized us took away rights, power and control over our lives but we can take it back, for our sake and that of our families.  Here's a link to an article I really like about trauma and parenting you may find helpful - https://www.motherhoodandmore.com/a-love-letter-to-the-cycle-breakers/

   

[Bounty]

Thank you for the article, I often feel I'm harming my children because they see me crying and struggling to cope as well as seeing the marks on my arms from self harm.

I do my best to give them a normal life and most of the day that's possible but I also spend a lot of time apologising for snapping at the smallest of things because it's triggered something, I apologise for being so upset around them and I try not to let my son know how much he reminds me of his dad who is the cause of most of my trauma.

I feel like I'm never going to be move on completely because I had counselling and was doing well until a major trigger and I'm back where I started with more flashbacks from school not just the main trauma.

[Kizzie]

Sorry to hear you're dealing with a major trigger and flashbacks, they're awful as many of us here know only too well.   

Parenting is just that much more difficult when we are triggered and suffering flashbacks.  Would family counseling be helpful for them and you possibly?  It might help them to understand what you are dealing with and that they are not the reason for your upset and self-harm, and perhaps the counselor could help you to come up with some ideas as a family to deal with times when you are struggling.