Being sick

[Elphanigh]

Does anyone else experience a big spike in the neediness of their inner child when sick? I have a much more difficult time getting out of some of those younger emotions and desires when I am ill. Lots of this little elpha just craving a mother figure, or someone kind to take care of her.

While living alone I have to become that person myself, but it is hard to not feel that need for another human. That little girl needs comfort and I can not truly provide it when it is my physical body that is causing her distress.

[woodsgnome]

***TRIGGERS***

Your post hits me hard, Elphanigh; like right to the core.

I was an asthmatic kid. I'm sure it was related to the cptsd/abuse but that's not on my mind now. I'm seeing this utterly lonely child placed in a chair, given meds by the f, who shortly leaves the child alone, in the dimly lit living room.

Notice there's no mention of the m in that scene. She never, not once, got me to that chair, gave me meds, comforted me, or did thing whatsoever. Interestingly, during days she would find time to molest me, often in the bathroom. But no need to go there; enough said.

But go back to the dim light, the now better kid as the meds helped improve the breathing, the f going away, and the m---a total no-show to the critical distress of her child, now left alone for hours until morning. I probably had asthma attacks at night at least once every few days, and...and...no, she never came.

Lonely doesn't begin to describe any of that. As I've grown older, there was wonder, anger, sadness; but mostly just a big ache, verging on the edge of shock but at the other end on despair and hopelessness. On top of it all is just an overriding numbness that...again, enough said. No words can describe this either.

So as an adult I'm in general better health, but even the slightest twinge of something medically awry and the grief escalates yet again.

For you, Elphanigh... for when your feeling utterly alone, too.

[Elphanigh]

Woodsgnome,

Thank you for sharing so much. I am sorry for all that you went through, not having someone there when you are ill is so damaging as a kid.

I am generally healthy too, and am so glad you are too. I have come down with some sort of illness that is really kicking my tail. It has brought that grief and long back up that you spoke of. I only get truly sick a couple of times a year and that is difficult

[sanmagic7]

absolutely can relate to this.  i was sick often as a kid, and very little parental nurturing during those bouts. 

sorry you're feeling crappy right now.  i hope you have time to rest and just get better.  i'll be on the healing porch with you, sharing blankets of healing and wellness and strength to weather this.  cups of tea and hot cocoa. lovely soups and juice.   hope you're feeling better soon, sweetie.   love, and hugs.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear, I am sorry you experienced this as well. 

I will definitely join you on the porch for that. I have been drinking tea, eating soup, and treating myself with sherbet for several days. Luckily, I am off today so I have spent it at home trying to res because work last night made it worse. Having only one day to reaqt it off isn't much but I am glad there is something. Thank you for sharing so much on porch with me today. Love and hugs

[Kizzie]

Bringing you some lovely soup and a warm, fluffy blanket to cuddle up in Little Elph.  So sorry to hear you are sick, it sucks I know! 

I know Adult Elph will care for you, but I hope you will feel a little better knowing we here are thinking of you too and hoping you feel much better soon.   

  and try to get some    when you can.   

[Elphanigh]

The soup and fluffy blanket is so appreciated. Little Elpha loves them, thank you  She adores that people are thinking of her.

Adult me is doing all the self care that I can. I have every remedy for being sick that I know of. Thank you for the kind wishes 

[Kizzie]

How are you feeling now?

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for checking in Kizzie  I am still rather sick, spent most of yesterday in bed. Today I did manage to go to work so improvement at least. I am hoping this means things start to feel better, I am on day six of this junk.

My inner child has calmed a little, I think being home for a few days really helped her.

[Kizzie]

Oh dear, sorry to hear you're still unwell Elph! Sending more soup, fluffing up your pillow and tucking you back under a lovely warm blanket so you can  some more

 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, Kizzie. I got lots of rest on Monday and Tuesday night  I am beginning to feel better today which is great.  I got given the day off again, out of the blue. So I should be back more on my feet tomorrow.

[ah]

In my experience there are two sides to being sick and cptsd. First being sick is in itself often a cause of cptsd. Having a severe physical disability or chronic illness is for sure. Many disability theories go into it in detail, not the psychological side but how society's view of sickness causes psychological pain in someone who is sick, even without any preexisting trauma just the sickness on its own, if it lasts long enough, fulfills all the criteria to cause cptsd.

Also, being sick easily makes cptsd symptoms worse. It hurts, it isolates, is weakens, stresses you out, it literally mimics all of the things you felt when you were abused. Being chronically sick is dreadful for cptsd.

And very sadly, people who are sick or disabled are often abused far more often and easily than those of us who are healthy. That's what's happening to me. So it's cptsd that I already had along with newly created cptsd '*' in the present.

Another thing I think is related, and makes me feel somewhat isolated and different here on OOTS, is the whole idea of even hoping to recover somewhat from cptsd symptoms and get stronger that is based on the notion that's so prevalent in Pete Walker's theory, in his books and in his EF management, that while you were small, helpless, powerless and dependent on others in the past you aren't now. But when you're sick you're all of those things with no way out. No hope of ever becoming independent or strong. That's beyond your grasp. You depend on others' kindness (99% of the time it's absent).

In my case, I feel like a burden because I was told I was a burden as a kid. Now as an adult I'm sick so I'm told anew that I'm a burden. And I have every proof that I really am. It's very bad. Very, very bad.

Also, no one believes you you're so sick. It's a problem for anyone with a disability, but especially so for me because 1) I don't "sound" sick (that is to say I don't sound stupid is what people mean by that  ) and 2) nothing is more triggering for me than being disbelieved. It's gaslighting, to me, it's a constant EF 24 hours a day.

Anyway... I'm sure being sick can be a cause of cptsd and also a trigger when you have it. I can totally, totally understand how triggering it can be.

[Blueberry]

    to you for that situation ah.

I know the "you don't look disabled" since I have disability status. That means it doesn't sound as if I have a mental problem. I've also heard "you're too strong and intelligent to have mental health problems" 

Fortunately the people who really count now - therapists and docs - don't think so.

[Deep Blue]

Hugs to you all,

[Kizzie]

I think you bring up a really important point Ah, that recovery does depend to a large extent on being able to help ourselves.  When you are disabled that falls more on others and sets up different barriers to recovery.  I know how much having really bad osteoarthritis impacted my psychological recovery from childhood trauma, part of which involved having to rely on others because I was basically crippled, and partly because my energy was zapped from pain.   

IMO you should be able to express and explore this and hopefully connect with others in your position. I did just include a new sub-forum under "Developing CPTSD in Adulthood" called "Co-Morbidities." Under that there is a Child Board called "Chronic Disease/Illness" where you might want to start posting.  I know you developed CPTSD from childhood trauma but its being exacerbated by sickness you developed in adulthood so I think it would fit there.  There's a LOT of data about childhood trauma causing illness and disease in adulthood so I suspect it will be a well used child board once it gets going.   

Just a thought but it might help you to feel more included with respect to how being ill impacts your CPTSD.