Starting EMDR

[sanmagic7]

hey libby and esb,

as far as i'm concerned, what i've learned and practiced, is that emdr is a tool to be used under the umbrella of psychotherapy.  it is not the totality of psychotherapy, from my perspective, but can be utilized within the framework of a wholeness of therapy.  the processing part of emdr, the eye movements/bi-lateral stimulation (some clinicians use alternating sounds or tapping) is to be included in therapy as an extra means of processing traumatic events.

so, i don't understand why the idea of therapy, per se, is being seen as something separate.  you may need to talk with your t about what you're needing and have that integrated into your therapy.  i do know that some people have gone to  therapy but the t was not an emdr practitioner, so they also saw someone who did know emdr for the more traumatic bits, as an adjunct to their regular therapy.

as far as what emdr covers, it doesn't necessarily only have to be memories.  it can also include thoughts, feelings, and i've used it for pain (as have others, especially for migraines) so it can have a somatic component to it as well.  as far as what you said, libby, about not having any memories that made you feel weak, but rather helpless/powerless.  i don't know that you have specific memories along those lines, but what you said about the subtlety, the nuances, the undermining kinds of stuff going on - if you tell your t about that, they may be able to come up with a strategy for going after that kind of narc abuse.

unfortunately, like you said, not very many t's know about the cunning of narc abuse, exactly how you described it.  if you're able to educate your t a bit more about how it made you feel, that could be a target for the emdr processing.  your confusion could be a target.  your pain could be a target - i ask clients to describe their pain as far as size, shape, color, 1-10 for intensity, brightness, what the edges are like - anything that might apply to it, and then do the eye movements, noticing if there are any changes or if anything comes up.

there usually are changes, and often the pain diminishes, or some secondary reason for the pain comes to mind.  one client told me that she thought she was punishing herself for something she'd done to her sister a while back.  others get attention for their pain and are reluctant to give it up.  for others, they're holding a particularly painful emotion, situation, thought, etc. in that part of their body.  maybe they're tense because of having to be on their guard.

if there's nothing physically wrong with you, then there's something there that is causing your mind to continue to send pain signals to certain parts of your body.  that's something that can be explored with emdr processing, too.  to me, therapy is meant to be creative in that everyone's issues are different, and for different reasons.  i hope, for both your sakes, that your t's can find that creativity in order to offer you what is most beneficial.

the idea of breaking the cycle is important, but, to me, it's simply a part of the entire picture.  i don't see it as a stopping place, but a victory along the way of healing your traumas.  to be celebrated, for sure, but there's much more going on than that.   esb, i hope you get something pos. out of the anxiety clinic, but i'm with you in that there's much more to the wounding than that.

it sounds like the psych is at a loss as to how to deal with complex trauma, so shoveled you along to what made sense for her.  i don't know if i'd always go along with saying 'they're experts in their fields'.  just cuz they have a degree hardly makes them an expert.  in all my years of knowing and dealing with therapists, i've found only a handful who i'd consider an expert at therapy.  most don't venture far out of a generic realm of therapy, are content with the knowledge they already have, and can be close-minded when it comes to looking at and learning about something new.

if either of you have any questions as far as anything goes, feel free to pm me.  i may be able to give you some more specific tips on how to get closer to what you really need from the professionals you're seeing.  maybe.  i hope any of this was helpful to either or both of you.  best with all of this.  i know how frustrating it is.  i'm still without a t who knew what they were doing or what i needed, and i've been seeing therapists nearly half my life.  love and hugs to you both.

[Libby183]

Thank you so very much, Sanmagic.

Your post was absolutely fascinating and full of ideas I need to think about.  I think you are absolutely right that I need to stress the very essence of the narcissistic abuse. It's not discreet incidents that caused my pain. Although there were some of those. It was that virtually every interaction with my mother was subtly abusive.  She just had to look at me,  or say something quite ordinary and I would feel terrible about myself.   This really is the essence of it and you have given me hope that if my therapist is open and creative enough,  we may be able to address this. I will certainly discuss this with her next time.

What you explained about emdr being a part of psychotherapy,  not a  total treatment in itself, makes much more sense. I can see how it could work as a stand alone treatment for, say,  an accident,  but I think this is where my therapist gets a bit stuck. She wants me to set aside my intellectual brain and access my emotional brain, but I can't seem to do that.  Actually, it is the talking around the subject that I find most helpful,  I think. 

Thank you again for all of the information and ideas.  Reading them makes me feel that there is still hope of finding the right sort of approach. And I really hope that eyesofblue finds the right approach as well. It certainly feels that we should keep trying,  both sufferers and therapists,  and sharing what works so that treatment becomes more effective over time.

Hugs,  Libby