Weeks of non-stop bad days

[quietdespair]

Everything had been turning into complete * lately. EVERYTHING. I feel empty and hopeless and my stomach is in knots all the time. I can't sleep or eat. I've been trying to suppress them but I've been having thoughts about ending it all again. Ending it all because life seems to just get worse everyday. Every day there's a new problem or setback and I feel like I'm drowning sometimes.

Our car got totaled, we might lose our place to live, we're broke and we're struggling to feed our kids. The stress just keeps piling on day by day and I constantly feel like I'm either going to explode or just start sobbing uncontrollably any minute. I haven't exploded (obviously) but I have balled my eyes out several times and they were bitter, scalding tears. I don't cry often, only when my hormones get wonky, but this last week I've been in the bathroom sobbing into a towel so I won't upset the girls at least four times. This stress is really starting to * with my emotions just like it used to.

I used to think about killing myself all the time when I was a kid and I've always had a fixation with death but as I got a little older and got away from the people who hurt me it got a lot better.

Only in times like these do the bad thoughts get really loud and I have to fight bad impulses and tell myself "No, you won't. You can't. Don't give up."

Because I can't do it and I won't do it. It's not just me anymore and hasn't been for quite some time. My kids need me, my husband needs me. I can't give up or I'd be giving up on them too and I will never do that. They are the only people that give my life the sunshine it so desperately needs. Especially my girls. They drive me up the wall but at the same time they are the only people who keep me halfway sane most times. That probably sounds stupid but it's the truth.

They smile or say "I love you, Mama" and my heart fills with such joy that it aches. I am so grateful just to be their mom. They can be a handful most of the time; fussing and fighting, whining and talking back, not listening, making messes constantly. But they're my babie. Babies I vowed the moment I laid eyes on them to protect and care for every day no matter what. They are more precious to me than anyone else could ever be.

But I feel such worry for them. I'd do anything just to keep them safe and warm and fed. I'd rip my heart out of my chest for them at a moment's notice if they needed me to because they are all that matters.

I won't give up. I just won't. I will be strong for them and I'll tell that evil voice inside to shut the * up every time. I can be strong even when I am afraid. I can be strong for them.

[Blueberry]

If it helps and feels safe   

I hpe that's not overwhelming.

I'm really sorry for what all you're going through. CPTSD is quite enough on its own without all those real day-to-day big worries and fears you're going through. I'm glad the forum is here for you to be able to write about them. I hope it gave you a little relief even though it can't solve such practical problems obviously.

I hear and feel such strength in your words when you write about keeping going for your girls and your husband. With such strength and resolve and love in you, I feel a sense of relief I guess.

IF things feel like crap again adn writing on the forum isn'T enough, or maybe you'd like to actually speak to someone, hear a voice, then check out the places here http://www.outofthestorm.website/emergency/

   

[quietdespair]

Thank you for your kind words, Blueberry.    for taking the time out to be kind to someone today.
It's a good feeling to be heard and know that there is a safe place to vent around empathetic people like you. I've just been keeping it bottled up inside and I guess I finally had to let it all out. I didn't want to burden my husband with my emotions when we're having a tough enough time as is.
I feel a little better just admitting to my feelings and now maybe I can focus a little more on the next steps I need to take to fix these hard luck problems.

[Dee]

I could feel the pain and identify with your posts in so many ways. 

As a kid I had what I call a love affair with suicide.  It actually gave me hope that when I couldn't do it anymore I had a way out.  As I became an adult and had my own family that quieted some, but came back now and then.  Then it got really loud again, for a good six months.  That is a very painful place to be. 

I had to talk back.  I actually made 3x5 cards that I could follow when I got overwhelmed.  I had the consequences and things to say to myself when the voice was loud on one side.  On the other I had things to do when I could feel it spiral.  It was everything from go for a walk, color, play with dogs, to call my therapist, go to the ER, call a hotline.  I also found talking to someone about anything pleasant was a help.  I have friends that live across the country and would call to check on the weather.  They didn't need to know what was going on at that moment, it gave me a distraction and pause.

I still sometimes have thoughts, but they are not too intense.  Over time they are less and less. 

I hope you feel better soon.  Spring is here, maybe take those little girls out to show them how everything is budding and coming back to life.

[sanmagic7]

i get it, quietdespair.  i hang on for others, too, even as the stress continues to build.  it's such an awful place to be, but i want you to know you're not alone with this at this time.  i'm struggling as well, and it sucks, pure and simple.

hang tough - i'm hangin' right beside you.  we'll get thru this cuz we have to.  hold on tight.  sending a hug filled with love and compassion - it's a horrible place to be, feeling like you're getting squeezed from all sides.  i'm so glad you have your darlings around you.

[the mirliton]

hello quietdespair,
For me, it is so difficult to deal with all of the *stuff* that sometimes comes hurling at me. The saying "life only gives us what we can deal with" (or something along that thought) makes me want to scream back into the "seriously???* universe chasm!!" I have had SI on the table as an option since I can remember. Like you and so many of us, not using that as a solution because of our loved ones, or pets, or sense of obligation to work...(the list is so varied), I have discovered that when I FINALLY decide that I am strong enough, worthy enough, and love mySELF enough to finish this chapter of my journey, well that will be just totally awesome. I am not quite there yet. In the meantime though, may the love we have for the other souls in our lives help to carry us through the days until there is more sunshine than rain. Sending you courageous, heart filled thoughts.

[quietdespair]

Thank you all for your words. As I said before it is a good feeling to know you all are here and that I'm not alone. It sucks too because I wouldn't wish any of this on anyone, not even my worst enemy, but it's not as though the world is fair, is it?  I'm happy that those of us who've been through these terrible things have this place to come together and find some kind of support. A little understanding and compassion goes a long way.

Dee, your card idea is wonderful. I'm going to implement the same tactics and see if it helps me too. Thank you so much for sharing that with me. Something I do to help me cope with these thoughts and feelings is find a quiet spot to relax in. Then I go to my peaceful place. I did it a lot as a kid and it still comes in handy occasionally. It's just revisiting some of my favorite memories and remembering how good it felt to be me at that particular time. My best go-to memory is of my family at our favorite park. The sun shining, the birds singing, my girls running through the grass laughing and picking flowers, my husband catching fish and barbecuing. I think of it and remind myself that there are more of those beautiful days to come as long as I keep hanging on.

I too used to take comfort in having death as an out. It helped me feel a little more in control when every day I felt like I had none. It makes sense that it would come back so strongly in this time of high stress. It's just old coping mechanisms that refuse to say goodbye, I guess.

[DecimalRocket]

Hi there quietdespair, I read what you wrote here and your recent entries in your journal too. Honestly, I don't know what to say and I wish I could say more. But I guess I want to wish you some strength, hope and resilience. And if you can't, that's okay. We'll still be here to listen.

if that's okay.