dumped by my provider

[complicated man]

So much of my life now makes sense.  I started seeing a PsyD 10 months ago.  I had spent three out of the past 5 years in therapy for anxiety and depression, and never felt as if my providers understood me or what I was experiencing.  I found some info online about CPTSD and went and found a new provider. I knew that what I was dealing with was serious and complicated, so I focused on PsyDs only and selected a young lady who had only been practicing for about a year.  My rationale was that her training was as current as possible, and it was my belief that CPTSD was a new diagnosis and the profession was still learning about it.  I made a huge mistake and I am now picking up the pieces trying to undo the damage enough to find a new provider.

I was a reading machine, averaging about a book a week.  I read books by Hermann, Van Der Kolk, Courtois, and Pete Walker.  six weeks into therapy I was way out in front of my provider.   I actually thought that my therapy was going well, but I missed key warning signs and continued making myself vulnerable and opening up to the wrong provider.  My T claimed to be a trauma specialist and some of the things that she provided were valuable.  the breathing exercise helped (a little), but they were treating symptoms and did nothing to get to root cause.  Six months into therapy my sessions didn't seem to have any direction, and I had stopped making any progress.  So I asked my T for my treatment plan.  She started crying...  *!  Whats worse is that I now realize, that she lied to me.  She said that she was overcome by emotion because I challenged authority and that it was such great progress.  What really happened was that I confronted a scared adolescent who hadn't done her homework.  I foolishly bought her story and continued treatment.  Our relationship slowly declined after that.  I opened up about my past and the need to grieve, and she continued to provide minuscule Input.  When I asked what treatment she was using, she told me that it was her own version of a CBT/DBT hybrid.  When I explained the I need to work on grieving and my inability to have relationships she blew my off.  Right before Christmas, she told me that she was leaving her practice this summer.  This was a very complicated issue for me.  Although I was dissatisfied with her treatment or lack of it, I had become extremely attached to her.  I had told her things I had told no one else, ever.  My last session was Wednesday.  We spent the hour arguing over the kind of treatment I needed versus what I was getting.  I was internally distraught, but externally controlled.  No yelling or inappropriate behavior.  She proceeded to tell me that she could no longer see me for ethical reasons.  It was so cold and insincere I was blown away.  So here I am in the middle of an emotional flashback, and she is quoting lawyer talk that she memorized off of a card and couldn't get me out of her office fast enough.  The sound of the betrayal was deafening.  So I spent the next two days at home vacillating between emotional flashback and depression.  I know have my feet under me enough to start the recovery process.  I know I need to get back into treatment, but I have no idea where to start.  Any tips for finding a provider?

[Three Roses]

I'm so sorry you've been through all that! We trust the therapists and doctors that we see, and their betrayal cuts deep.

Here are some links to what I hope will be helpful information for you;

Printable info to provide to doctors and therapists (and good for your own info) http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/

Locating a therapist http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=881.0

Keep us posted on this, we care about you. 

[Dee]

I'm sorry that happened.  I seem to remember a law in the US that a provider cannot stop therapy without providing a reference.  I can look it up if it is of interest to you.

[suzannedamage]

I'm living in france.....not even started accepting C-PTSD here.  The uk a bit better, they admit it exists but no trained therapists!   I've found Peter Walker online.  He's got a long waiting list but reckoned that I'd rather wait for him than talk to some one who knows less about it than I do!   I'm finding mindfulness a good tool to help cope in th meantime.

Like you I'm doing my reading.  Alice miller. Has been helpful.

I'm doing good for flying solo but like you cannot release the greif.  I've worked out a very safe space is needed and haven't found that yet.  I've got far enough to know it's there, after doing minfulness and exploring the feeling I've seem it as a glass sphere in my centre, a crystal ball, inside it scenes of ravaged seas and stormy wrather.  That's where it all gets put, old and new alike.  At times it pushes up, can feel the pressure pushing through my throat up to my face, then back down it goes to its safe spot to be ignored again.  I know the ball needs to be smashed but the world full of oceans in there is too much to even contemplate never mind facing and releasing it!

I was wondering if there are techniques out there to create a safe space for one self where the psyche feels comfortable enough to let go?  Having a room somewhere that is totally private, a little sanctum somewhere. 

I'm sorry you have been so let down.  Bummer when you've got so far to ask for the help.

Any tips or tricks you've discovered to deal with this greif demon I'd love to hear....mines too entrenched to get near.