Trying to understand

[GonnaThrive]

I was told I had CPTSD and also Codependency about 4-5 months ago. I've been in therapy for a few years and it took a new therapist to see that. I had a traumatic childhood, with a mother that had schizo-affective bipolar and a brother that was an alcoholic. I was left alone with my mom for a majority of the time, to come home from school with no sense of what could or would happen while my brother was out with friends. I recently was divorced from a verbally abusive ex wife that had borderline personality disorder and was an alcoholic, now in recovery, and after a year of being alone have been dating someone new.

We've been together for about 4 months and things have been good. We have our differences which is fine, one of which is that she and her friends enjoy drinking and I'm not so into it. I can have a few but don't like getting drunk and even if I do, I control myself very well. She, tends to control her drinking now but still gets drunk every now and again. Her past is full of parties and enjoying that kind of social gathering, mine isn't much except a few.

Recently, I've noticed that she becomes very obnoxious when drunk and socializes with everyone. This is not necessarily a bad thing but scares me to my core. She loosens up and seems to not care what people think (I know, drinking) and it worries me that this will put her in a position to cheat or have something bad happen. She doesn't have many reservations about men talking to her when she's drunk which is fine, but watching it really made me anxious beyond belief.

I am scarred by my moms talks about cheating (told me almost every story she could, made up or not, about my dad and even my mom cheating on him). This was when I was about 11 till 15. My entire life has seemed to revolve around controlling things so people don't cheat or "pull one over on me". I feel hyper alert all the time to make sure any signs of someone that are not trustworthy are addressed and I hate this.

Yes, I talked very gently with my gf about what happened and she recognized it. She said she is tired of drinking cause only bad things happen and she said she wants us to be okay. The conversation helped me but I felt guilty because while many things happened that I felt okay to talk to her about, because I felt disrespected and embarrassed, I almost feel like I'm hindering her or trying to push my "not getting drunk" onto someone...

I'm totally lost and not sure how I can truly bury my past. I don't want to consistently worry about my gf cheating or if another guy is even "gawking". I know some of which is related to my own insecurities...where do I start??

[Dee]

Welcome!

For me, I can't bury my past.  What I can do, is manage it.  I try to recognize my cognitive distortions and challenge them.  When I think i absolutes I try to put percentages on them.  What is the percentage that this is actually true.  When I am thinking irrationally, I tell myself that.  This is irrational can comes from your reality as a kid.

I also know I can't change people, only they can do that. 

[GonnaThrive]

How does someone learn to trust without consistently feeling like they are watching for signs of someone lying or being a high risk of cheating?

[Dee]

I don't know how to do that.  What I do know how to do is break down my fears.  Is there a real threat, or am I perceiving one?  Do I have a reason to not trust?  Does this person deserve my skepticism?

Sometimes we have reason to not trust.  For me it is a matter of teasing it apart to decide if it is me or there is something there.

[hopebythesea]

How does someone learn to trust without consistently feeling like they are watching for signs of someone lying or being a high risk of cheating?

I have the same issue. I recently started a new relationship and am constantly looking for signs that he will be another abuser

[Blueberry]

(Welcome hopebythesea!)