New Member

[mdp]

Greetings community.

This is my very first time to openly admit online that I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse and child neglect, and I am thankful to those responsible for creating and maintaining a safe space for those like me seeking validation and guidance.

I've been seeking help since my teens and wasn't sure about the source of my internal unrest until 2 years ago - when I was diagnosed with complex ptsd and 'profound neglect' by a professional.

I look forward to sharing with and learning from you all, as I start my path towards personal healing and growth.

mdp

[Dee]

Welcome!  I look forward to having you here as a member.

[mdp]

Thank you for the welcome Dee.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hi mdp
Welcome so glad you are here.
Getting diagnosed was a relief helpful for me to get that validation,  to confirm what I had experienced for so long had recogniton inthe psych world and then to use the term to aid to accessing services.
The forum here I have found so supportive and caring aswell as providing identification and information.
Wish u all the very best on the next part of your healing journey.

[California Dreaming]

Welcome to the community. I know that it took much courage to reach out, and we are reaching back. CPTSD is too much to work through alone. Profound neglect can be deeply, deeply wounding, particularly neglect by our mother. I am really glad that you have joined us along this part of your journey towards healing and growth

[mdp]

Hi Boatsetsailrose,

Thank you for your warm welcome.
It's comforting to know you feel supported and cared-for through this forum.
Wishing you all the best on your healing journey as well.

mdp

[mdp]

Hi California Dreaming,

Thank you also for the warm welcome.

Yes, I admit, it did take courage to join this forum. I feel a lot of shame in admitting and sharing my trauma, and I don't yet understand why.  But that's also why I'm here - to learn, to share, to grow. As I type this, it feels so strange, so awkward trying to articulate my thoughts and feelings. I'm so accustomed to keeping my mouth shut, and being on the defensive. I suppose the act of sharing is part of the reconciliaton with oneself.

Your comment about 'taking a year to believe' your CPTSD diagnosis struck a chord with me. I too found it hard to believe. Perhaps it was my distrust towards the validity of my counsellor's professional opinion (deep skepticism I assume, is a symptom of my/our diagnosis). And immediately after the diagnosis came the private online research I had conducted to educate myself on these terms, to understand the gravity of what had happened to me, and attempt to 'reverse-engineer' its impact on my life to date. I've learned quite a bit since that diagnosis 2 years ago - and I'm excited to share what I've learned. But I'm also learning to pace myself; learning not to overwhelm those willing to listen to me. I also know there's still so much more to uncover, and to piece together.

mdp

[mdp]

For those interested in the social sciences, I study post-colonial theory (among other subjects) and I've come to learn of the trauma associated with conquest and slavery. Among my favourite scholars is Dr Joy DeGruy who raises awareness of 'post-colonial slave syndrome' and 'transgenerational trauma' - critical to understanding the national, cultural psyches of postcolonial states and the impact on their respective economies and participation in globalization.

Advanced apologies to admin if this be deemed an inappropriate post.
Here's a YouTube link to one of her lectures:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r1OpgHDgZL0

Sharing food for thought.

mdp

[California Dreaming]

I have found it helpful to differentiate guilt and shame. Guilt is that I have done something bad, and shame is that I am bad. Guilt is healthy because I can correct something if I have actually done something wrong. Shame is toxic because I believe that I am inherently defective and unfixable. I learned about the  "shame trance" several years ago, and I am still subject to it. It is a source of self-loathing and hopelessness. The internal message is that if I wasn't born defective then I would not have been abused...if I wasn't born defective then I would be lovable. Getting out of a shame trance has been extremely difficult for me at times.

When you mentioned overwhelming others, it made me think about how many years that I felt like I was a significant burden to others. An absolutely terrible feeling that nearly cost me my life. I agree that trauma work requires pacing. Paradoxically, we often want to do trauma work in the midst of being triggered. I have learned not to do this anymore. It's not a black and white issue, but I do avoid diving into the deep end when I am in a triggered state.

I appreciate you sharing your interest in the social sciences. I will check out the video when I have time. Part of my recovery has been the recognition that I am affected by my ancestral history. It is a much deeper layer to peel back and look at. One of my ancestors owned most of Jekyll Island, GA along with many slaves. I have worked with this from time to time. I really got in touch with it once with holotropic breathing.

[fighter]

Hi mdp!  I'm new here too.  Your comment about not wanting to overwhelm people who are willing to listen to you totally resonates with me (actually, everything I have read in this forum so far has resonated withe me, so that's kinda cool). I wanted to let you know that I am hear specifically because I WANT to hear about the experiences of other people like you and me, because they are so validating to me. I totally feel like when I talk about my trauma, the people in my life just shut me down (Not sure if this is your experience this as well), and that sucks for my self esteem - the LAST thing i need is more messages that nobody cares, since nobody cared for such a long time.  Anyway, i'm trying to encourage you to feel good about opening up.  If I can extrapolate based on my own tendencies, I expect that we are all highly empathetic people.  Hearing about your pain allows me to feel tremendous compassion for you, which opens the door to being able to feel compassion for myself <3

[California Dreaming]

I watched the talk given by Dr. Joy DeGruy. Thank you for sharing it. I found it to be informative and inspiring.

[mdp]

I had a great day today.

I felt a of new sense of freedom - one I rarely feel in my life, almost as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders...a real sense that a new chapter in my life has begun.
And I'm going to tell you how it happened.

Last night, I sat my wife down and had a heart-to-heart  about my joining OOTS.
I told her how cathartic it felt to not only join, but to finally open up to you all about my child abuse. And yes, it was an anxious moment knowing what I was about to do, watching myself typing out the words, staring at the 'POST' button, and then going back to see it had actually been posted.

I also mentioned how welcome you've all made me feel - much thanks to those who dropped in to say hello (Dee, Boatsetsailrose, California Dreaming, fighter).

I felt so good last night, I ended up staying up listening to music from my childhood (70's folk, 80's soft rock, jazz), and with each song, my elation intensified. It sounds corny but it was like I was glowing with happiness inside me while in bed lying there watching these music videos on YouTube, listening intently to the artistry and technical complexity of each composition. I listened to that music last night with an intensity I had never applied before.

After asking my wife for some quiet alone time this week, I decided to jump on my motorcycle today and just free ride with my headphones on, playing the music I was listening to last night.

Ahhh... today's experience was so satisfying. The sun was out, the skies were clear, and what clouds were present only added beautiful texture. And today's weather couldn't have been more ideal. Even the traffic was light - miraculous.

Now, playing out last night's and today's positive experience especially with regard to the music , I came to realize what I was able to do was replay my childhood through the very music I was stringing together. What's more amazing is how I did so without feeling triggered, and brining myself down by focusing on my dark experiences. Almost as if I was watching a movie of me as a child, pleased with all the happy moments I got to experience, while pitying the incidents of abuse (not pitying me).

So I would like to take this opportunity to say THANK YOU. Thank you for reaching out to me. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this. And thank you for allowing me to share.

I've already cleaned up this post as some of you can tell. OCD, what can I say.

mdp

[mdp]

California Dreaming:
I want to mention I did think about your distinguishing guilt from shame today. Shame, self-loathing, burden - I can totally relate.
On another note, I'm glad you made time to watch Dr DeGruy.

fighter:
Your encouragement is why my last post was so long! Thank you for being supportive

[California Dreaming]

Soooooo good to hear mdp!