Speaking my mind

[Blueberry]

Thanks Sceal, I find it really difficult too.

Now after my retreat, I know there's some more speaking-my-mind which needs being done. NOt that anybody told me, I can just feel it.

[Blueberry]

Spoke my mind to another friend today. ..

I post long texts here  where other members are very succinct whereas this friend tends to spin huge long yarns on the phone. Up till now I've mostly put up with it, willingly in a way. Sort of accepting that that's the way she is. She is like that with everybody. She gives a lot as well, of her time and help and good thoughts. She doesn't suck other people dry but she does have a bit of the gift of the gab....

Yesterday too, I felt I spoke quite politely and in a friendly way but also quite definitely that I simply didn't have time to stop and chat. I had to do x, y and z and then get to somebody's by x time for a ride somewhere else. OK, I'm justifying there somewhat but... Actually my T thinks it can be sensible to give a brief reason to friends whereas on Out of the Fog they'd say not to. I suppose it maybe depends on how you do with boundaries in general. I didn't allow her to take up my time with extraneous tales. I put up with that for years and now bit by bit I'm saying "No." when it genuinely is too much or when it comes at a bad time.

There are far fewer of those old FOO voices in my head about my "obviously" being a loser with having such "bad" friends unlike e.g. my 'wonderful' elder brother  And what came - I didn't allow them to stay. I shut them down. This is progress

[Blueberry]

It's been good to re-read this thread just now, both to see my own progress over the months and to see comments from others especially at the beginning like from Dee (and her T).

Further up the thread I mentioned Huffy. She's in another group I go to, where we actually speak English not the local lingo. Huffy phoned me a couple of days ago to tell me the next date the other group is meeting, which was nice of her. But all the way up the road to choir practice I was standing up for myself in my head in this other group. Maybe I'll write another Recovery Letter.

Thinking about it at home again this evening I felt ashamed. There are so many mbrs here with 'real problems' why do I get bothered about something so minor?? Now as I write that, I realise that statement comes from M and her mother, I think even from F in my teens when things were particularly bad.

I have difficulty standing up for myself, especially in a group when several mbrs are having a go at me all at the same time, obviously because it reminds me so much of life with FOO. The effects of emotional traumatisation make it so hard for me to stand up for myself. Compound that with remarks from 'helpers' in the past like "Can't you do it in a normal way?" meaning speak in the moment. No, I can't. Partly because I can't get a word in edgeways and partly with 4 or 5 against 1, it's pretty difficult. Written's way easier for me, even if not "normal". If my T knew of the situation, he'd probably look at me with incredulity and ask again: "You have friends who treat you like this??" I think he'd also say that it's good I'm continuing to stand up for myself.

Today in T appointment, we got onto the topic of shame. He said that comes from a feeling of "something about me isn't right." So that in part explains my feeling of shame about a) speaking up in this group of people to stand up for myself and b) writing about it on here.

On here I can only tell myself that different mbrs have different trauma to deal with in different ways and this is where I am atm.

[Sceal]

I can't seem to find the words to reply to you. I've been re-reading your latest post here ever since you wrote it.
And I think it speaks about a transitional place that you're in now. Realizing all these different things, and taking step back and understanding where the thoughts come from and whom they belong.

I can relate to finding it easier to write rather than speak. There's something about the written language that lets you take more time to compose your message. The spoken one is filled with having to say something right away, and your body-language at the same time. It's challenging to get a handle on it.

Rooting for you!

[Blueberry]

Thanks Sceal