Hoovering? (TW)

[lyricalliv13]

I went over to OOTF and looked at a page where it described the cycle of abuse, where the victim was angry and the perpetrator was guilty and would "hoover" to desperately try to make up for everything.

I'm still trying to figure out *for sure* if what happened WAS my mom being abusive, or if I have a PD and I was an abusive child. I'm 17, I haven't had contact with her in a while and I have so many issues I just don't understand. Sometimes I'm certain it wasn't my fault, sometimes I'm not, and sometimes it's a confusing mixture of the two that makes me contradict myself.

When I lived with her we would have these violent fights.. Sometimes she would start it, sometimes it would be me. After the fights, I'M the one who felt guilty. I hated myself. I started SH to punish myself. I felt like it was my fault, and promised my BM that I would change.

And now I'm still having issues. I blew up at my parents a few weeks ago and acted JUST like her, and how I used to years ago. That's a whole other long story but it was not good and I've told my (new) parents it wasn't them, because it honestly was me. There was actual rage in me.

I don't know what to think. People have told me I was just a kid, but I don't want to make excuses. I'm determined to say everything honestly and if it was partly me than I want to figure it out.  I know it can't be completely me because she definitely did some stuff, and it's hard to forget because doors slamming or footsteps near my room can make me tense. But if I had any role to play in it that's what I want to know. I don't want to be abusive.

If you were abused emotionally/physically as a kid, did you ever blow up first too? Do you have trouble Sometimes? What do you do about it?

[California Dreaming]

I was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused throughout my childhood. I learned fairly quickly that my abusers were stronger than me and that they would reliably meet my force with a greater force. Eventually, I turned my anger within and developed a powerful inner critic. I used to think and believe that I was born defective and that is why they abused me. After a great deal of inner work, I no longer hold that belief, and my inner critic does not have the power that it once did.

Occasionally, I will get in touch with my residual anger/rage when working with my therapist. Also, I become charged under certain circumstances outside of the therapist's office. When I become charged, I pause so that I can respond rather than react. I have learned that what I become charged around is what I need to do inner work on. If I become angry, I work with the anger. I make friends with it so to speak. I no longer suppress it or repress it. I acknowledge it and shine the light on it.

Also, I have learned to differentiate righteous anger from self-righteous anger. For example, if you are at a restaurant and a waiter is mean to a child you might speak up to protect the child (righteous anger). If you are at a restaurant and a waiter brings you the wrong drink you might say something belittling to the waiter (self-righteous anger). I consider righteous anger to be a healthy response and self-righteous anger to be unhealthy.

I am unclear on what makes you think or believe that you might have been an abusive child. Is it because you sometimes started the fight?

[lyricalliv13]

I am unclear on what makes you think or believe that you might have been an abusive child. Is it because you sometimes started the fight?

Yes

[California Dreaming]

I think that it is awesome that you are willing to take responsibility for whatever role you have may played. That said, what you have described in no way makes you an abuser. It sounds like you were simply behaving based on what you were taught by your mother. She taught you to start fights, so that's what you did. Just like if she taught you to throw a ball a certain way, that is how you would have thrown the ball until you learned another way to do it. Now that you are working through your abuse you are trying to learn new ways to live. How are you going about learning new ways to live? Asking questions here is one way. What other resources do you have available to you?

[sanmagic7]

hey, lyric, i agree with cal. dreaming about the idea that we do what we're taught.  kids are looking at the world and trying to make sense of it from a child's brain, logic, vulnerability, worldview, and lack of experience with other ways to understand what's happening to, with, and around them.

yes, taking responsibility for our part is important. however, as a child, the responsibility to teach us healthy ways to deal with conflict is on the adults in our lives.  they need to not only be role models for mature conflict resolution, but also to explain to us why it's important as we're growing up and moving into the adult world on our own.

if you were used to chaos growing up, it's what you become comfortable with.  so, if things are quiet and smooth, it can feel uncomfortable, and that's when it's very possible that you'd start a fight in order to feel the chaos again.  there's always a reason for these kinds of things - many relationships stay in that kind of loop when people don't understand about their own comfort levels and what exactly feels comfortable for them.

i don't believe you're an abuser, either.  i believe you've done what you were taught to do.  that which is learned can be unlearned.  as you continue in recovery, you'll continue to learn more appropriate ways to deal with your feelings, how to let them out so they don't hurt you or others, and how to express them more maturely.

being as young as you are, i give you so much credit for questioning all this, for looking for answers, for being courageous enough to post here.  sending a warm, respectful hug to you with the hope that you continue to move forward.  i'm glad you have new parents that seem to have reduced the chaos in your life.

[DecimalRocket]

I can relate really. I was abused emotionally and to some extent, physically, as a kid. My problem these days and these last recent years is that I'm too passive. But early on as a little kid, I was too aggressive. I hated myself for being that kind of person. When I was younger, I even went to beat up the bullies who always made fun of me back then. That's what my mom taught me. An eye for an eye.

I tried to swing to the other extreme of being much more accepting, much more patient, but it didn't work either. I wasn't standing up for myself enough, and I'm still working it through to this day. It's not helpful to blame your every flaw and mistake on yourself like I've thought. All it did was abandon myself even in times I needed it. To be guilty so much that it didn't help me believe I can change from being a bad person to someone who's not. It just made me stop believing I could change at all.

I think you're doing your best. It's not healthy, I agree, but you sound like you have a dedication to change yourself. There's a difference between people who do bad things and people who are bad people. And when you're willing to do your best to change, I believe that makes you different from how your mom treated you, and how mine did.

I'm 17 too. Just hope you'll be alright, okay?  if that's okay.