Intellectually Lonely & Emotionally Shy

[DecimalRocket]

I'm a little too tired now to explain the whole thing. Just see my recent journal entry if you want to see it in more in depth. Basically, I met someone who had as much varied and complex interests as me and it was a wonder.

I was recommended by my therapist to join some social skills classes for my shyness and social clumsiness though. I was paired up with other people my age and we just began getting to know each other with small talk. But it drove me crazy. I want as much complexity in a conversation as the first guy I mentioned, and to have to start with simpler topics before getting to the deep ones drove my frustration.

I'm just . . . I guess pretty intellectually lonely, and seeing something as rewarding as the first person compared to this group made it harder. I'm considering I'm judging it too soon though. Usually, in new paid situations like this, I get amazingly suspicious if it will work out and have to ask multiple questions to analyze every part of it if it's worth it. I'm a little embarrassed by my asking questions though. Maybe I seem overly suspicious. More information helps me to relieve stress and I don't have enough information!

Though, one of the other guys had this interesting hobby in studying different cultures and histories. I kinda like him. The activity today was controlled though, so I couldn't talk to him at length in freestyle. I'm probably being judgemental towards most people there though and just freaked out because of how nervous I am around them. My fear of emotional rejection and increased intellectual isolation as part of it. . .

I asked more questions, but he said he'll leave the next sessions to surprise. 

Well, I don't find surprises very fun. . .

[DecimalRocket]

Hi, I'm another personality of Rocket named Matt here. DR went into a panic attack so I came in to be more calm and logical about it. I think we'll do fine though. 

Apparently, we dissociate in fragmented identities more often than we thought. Well, I'll have to go research on this now and think about the next strategy of what to do.

See you.

[Kizzie]

Hi DR.  I'm not a psychologist but It sounds like you may be dealing with Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) in which fractured parts of the self become distinct personalities.  You may want to talk about this with your T as it likely will involve different treatment than CPTSD.  We do dissociate but not to the extent where our parts become separate identities which come and go like they seem to be doing for you. 

I did a quick search and if your T and you do conclude that you have DID there do appear to be a lot of resources available including groups of peers with DID - https://psychcentral.com/resources/Dissociation/Support_Groups/.  A group similar to OOTS might be helpful because they will get it, just like we all get CPTSD here.  Not chasing you away, just suggesting some strategies to help with this added layer. 

[Rainagain]

Just a thought DR,

If you need more complexity in your conversations try working out why people are interested in things. The reasons behind peoples ideas and interests are often quite complex, they may not know themselves.

[DecimalRocket]

It's DR.

Hi Kizzie, I do wonder if I do have DID, though it doesn't seem that pronounced to find another T for. The last split lasted only for about 30 minutes to work through issues and ones lasting for about a whole day are incredibly rare for me. Maybe I'll consider if it ever gets to be more of a problem, but it seems to be getting better on its own.

Rainagan, you're right. I do tend to ask people their motivations, but I tend to get nervous around it because it might be more of an intimate question. How can you tell whether something is too intimate or just surface level topics?

I'm calmer about it now, but I guess I've grieved about a memory in tears relating to it. I guess it's because this is one of the strongest external real life affirmations that I have problems trusting people to interact with them long enough. I can look incredibly confident for a bit, but later on, I'd leave too soon.

Most of the affirmation just used to be people online or from myself. But real life? A part of me still didn't admit to having issues, but to have affirmation like this triggered another change.

I remmebered when I was bullied and tried to look less smart than I was to fit in as a kid. Sigh. I guess maybe I'm not willing to explore the more deeper and intellectual topics from memories of my own childhood.

I think I have a . . . bit of anxiety around whether I explain myself well enough in conversations. Sometimes I think people misunderstand what I mean — especially when I have a habit of creating my own precise definitions of different words. Do I explain things with enough clarity here at least?

[Estella]

Rainagain, that's really smart, I might try it.

Dr, I'm sorry to hear that you're finding this time difficult. This makes me think of my own behaviour and the impatience I sometimes feel when I get anxious in social situations. Keep going though, you're making progress with each step.

[Rainagain]

If I have the energy for conversation I try asking open questions so the other person talks more than I do, if I don't do that I get asked stuff and things are harder.

Its not intrusive if the questions are general, how what when where etc.

How long have you had this interest, how did you get into it etc. What is the thing that keeps you interested....

Its a way to have a chat without wracking the brain too much.

I used to use it when I investigated crime, same thing, different purpose.