I’m disgusted by my younger self.

[DecimalRocket]

w.g, yes, it's not easy, but thanks for affirming that I need the kindness.

I guess I never really grew up with standards I should have had gotten for my age. I wasn't an adult who was already knowledgable or should be knowledgable about the workings of the world already. I was a kid, a kid that wasn't ever guided through life or comforted when scared. A kid that had no one to run to when confused about life, and so just relied on myself.

That's an intense pressure on myself back then. Being emotionally unsupported is easier as an adult, but as a kid, I barely had any resources or skills to know what to do. I was left deeply depressed compared to other kids without ever knowing why. I'd be the one to cheer myself on for years. Be the one who taught myself study skills, emotional coping skills, problem solving skills, and all kinds of life skills from the internet. No one ever praised me, and so I could barely ever give myself credit for doing it all alone.

In my view, I was just . . . pathetic. I don't know how to give compassion to my younger self. Rarely anyone did back then, and so I don't even know what it would look like for myself at that age. I don't know.

[Blueberry]

DR, I've positively had to learn how to treat my ICs differently from how I was treated as a kid. When I try and think of a better way, or even a different way, I often come up against a total and utter blank. It's like time hasn't moved on at all. I've done a lot of reading up on how to parent kids these days and some of that has helped me re-parent my ICs. Sometimes I blank again too e.g. here http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=8893.0

When I come up against that kind of blank, it's like I can't access my Adult persona at all but my Adult persona does have methods of being compassionate to younger Blueberries. I agree with w.g. on the kindness to self / younger selves though ime that can be pretty difficult to achieve.
Whoever said this journey was easy? Nobody who walked it, I'm sure.